Summer of Discipline

In the beginning of this week, my dreaded state of numbness finally lifted like fog after pressing down on me for over a month. I would like to think that it was partly cos I might have figured out why. I’ve planned this summer of discipline thing for my five weeks of summer vacation months ago. And the closer that I got to my vacation, the less disciplined I’ve been until among other reasons, I kinda let it all go in the beginning of June. And it did not agree with me at all.

See, I thrive in a disciplined environment. That’s why I felt so at ease when I was a 24/7 submissive under a constant level of discipline, like no orgasms without permission and other rules. Although I eventually came to dislike all those rules, I loved the discipline. And even last year when I was single, I had some kind of control still cos I decided to be in celibacy too. But this year was very different. I had goals, like dating a lot etc, but I wasn’t holding myself accountable for anything really. And after being in discipline for years, I have no idea what to do with myself, and I think in June, it all finally caught up to me and started to affect my mental health. It also explained why I planned to do monthly challenges next year and also planned this strict summer vacay, all that planning whole spring. But planning doesn’t mean doing. The terrible state I was in whole June makes me realize that I can’t wait any longer. I need to have constant discipline in order to be a balanced human being.

So what my summer of discipline involves? Well, mostly I want to get back on track with my movie-watching and book-reading goals. Also I want to get back on track with my workouts so I planned a strict daily workout routine. I know I know, resting is just as important as working out, but I actually like the daily grind, I just don’t work the same muscle group daily and would do yoga or stretching on some days. I also wanted to keep my eating habits semi-healthy so I’m going to continue to meal prep. Also I’m not going to change up my sleeping hours too much, so even though I’m on vacation, I’m getting up almost as early as usual, the only difference is me not being as strict on when to go to sleep, as long as I get 7 hours of slumber. I want to test whether having a summer schedule would make getting back to work in August any easier, it just might.

In addition to my tight schedule, I added two challenges. One is a workout challenge. On top of my daily workouts, I’m doing the Saitama Challenge. 😀 I love the anime One-Punch Man (aka Saitama) and he does this workout to train to be the strongest man alive. It’s more of a running joke in the show, cos it’s not really that much that he does. 100 squats, 100 pushups, 100 situps and 10 km run, daily. I’m going to do it for 30 days. Unfortunately though, I can’t run due to my bad knees, but I am going to walk and bike for more than 10 km daily for a month. I’m also going to modify some of the reps just so I don’t get bored. Like doing different kinds of squats and pushups and situps and gradually add the difficulty like adding weight and doing the man’s version of the pushup. We’ll see how it goes. And do join me! Another challenge that I decided to begin in July is one year of no shopping. I know, it’s crazy for a shopaholic like me. I will write more about it later this week.

And since I am a kinkster, of course I have to add a kinky twist to keeping my disciplined life. Although I don’t have a dominant to keep me accountable, I do have a sadistic play partner, the adorable Oliver. I decided to recruit his help to keep me on track with my workouts and no shopping thing. So everytime I miss a workout or buy something, I’m going to get a severe punishment from Oliver in the beginning of our sessions. And if you wonder whether a spanking punishment would really deter a masochist like me, trust me when I say dear Oliver is very good at making me dread his brand of punishments, which is basically his regular nasty style of spanking except meaner. And harder. And with instruments of his choosing. I already got a taste for it yesterday, it would definitely make me think twice about missing a workout or buying shit.

So. I will write about the no-shopping thing on the weekend. And I will also write an update post after my vacay about what accomplishments I unlock after a month. 😀 I know it might sound weird, but disciplined vacation equals a relaxing vacation for me. Hope you have a great summer too!

Darkest Desires, part 3 – Wood

Here’s part 3 for my ‘Darkest Desires’ short story series and it surrounds the element of wood. Read Part 1 – Fire and Part 2 – Water first if you haven’t yet.

WARNING: Graphic sexual content. And for reference, I continue to use Tom Payne as my fantasy man in this story. And please, do not attempt this at home. I can’t stress enough that this is FICTION.

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My phone vibrated gently in my pocket. It was a message from Him.

“When you are home, strip naked and come to the playroom. I’m in the mood today.”

I shivered. Half in arousal, half in fear. Cos I didn’t know exactly which mood he was in. I hurried home and did as I was told. I took off all of my clothes and fold them into a neat pile on the sofa before tippy-toeing to our playroom. I didn’t know why I was being extra quiet like I was hiding or something. Which was ridiculous cos, of course, he would be waiting in the playroom already. I opened the door softly and poked my head inside. Yup, there he was, sitting in the large leather armchair at the back of the room. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, only dark blue jeans, reading a book and didn’t look up to look at me although I was sure he could hear me come in, closing the door quietly behind me. I leaned back against the door, looking at his reading form. Then I decided to go to him. But before I could take a second step, I heard his voice: “Stop.” Stern and cold. I stopped in my track and looked at him for further direction. He took his time to finish reading, closed the book, taking off his glasses, he finally looked at me. When our eyes met, I gulped involuntarily. His ice-blue eyes were a few shades darker than usual, like black ice. He was in the sadist mood…

He snapped his fingers, drawing my attention to his right hand and I saw his finger pointing to the floor. I immediately dropped to my knees, my eyes downcast, the picture of surrender. We had a very playful relationship, but whenever he was in the sadist mood, I knew being bratty would only earn me more pain, and not necessarily pain that I liked. There were moments that being 100% obedient was only smart. I knew when to be a good girl after all.

The Meaning of My Submission, part 2

Last week I wrote about things I adored about Dominant/submissive relationships – the respect, the structures, the safety and the attention. This week I’m going to write about things about D/s that I didn’t quite feel at home with but chose to willfully ignore because compared to vanilla sex, sex with Doms was so much better.

The Power Dynamic

When it comes to relationships, I very much enjoy the so-called traditional gender roles in a relationship. I am, however, a very independent person and I pride myself in being completely capable of doing it all by myself. I enjoy being the damsel in distress sometimes, or a good little girl who longs for praises of a job well done. All of that is easier under the power dynamic that D/s offers. However, there is one very important thing that the dynamic offers some obstacles, at least for me – open communication. Because of that very same power dynamic, I sometimes don’t feel like opening up because I don’t like to worry dominants. And sometimes I feel like doms don’t open up either because in their mind they need to be the strong one. I am well aware that problems with communication are not necessarily the fault of the power dynamic of D/s but still, people who struggle with communication and affection (like me), the dynamic does nothing but harm. Dominants and submissives are supposed to be equals, despite the power dynamic but when I was a submissive, I couldn’t help but adore my Doms and looking up to them. And I guess the key words are ‘looking up’. Being primal, even when as prey, I never quite felt I was looking up. I felt like I’m on the eye-level with the partner I’m intimate with and the so-called invisible barrier that prevented me before from opening up just vanished. I always say that D/s is a mindset, and by me changing my mindset into primal, I feel like I’m standing tall even when I’m on my knees.

“Collared and Owned” by Gigi

What does it mean to be collared and owned?

This is the blog collab I was teasing about earlier. I became active at Fetlife again, and spotted this post calling for people to be interviewed for a blog that is going to be about sex, and you guys know how much I love lists and questionnaires. So of course I volunteered! I’ll be sure to let you know when my interview comes on. I also met the lovely lady behind the blog at the munch. I’ll let her introduces herself, her blog and her story of being collared and owned. Enjoy!

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Hi! I’m Gigi. I’ve been a submissive to my Master for about 6 years now and I wanted to share my experience of what it means to be owned and collared. Oh and also I’ve just started my own blog about all things sex! Posts are going to start coming very soon but you can already check it out now at slapandtickle.co.

When my Master put the collar on me for the first time, I didn’t really know what to expect from this whole experience and from Him. I didn’t even truly understand my own hopes and what I wanted from this relationship. However, everything got into the right places right away. It just felt so natural, so me.

We’ve been in this relationship for many years now, yet when we meet, I still prefer that He puts the collar on me. I don’t like doing it on my own. The sensation I get from Him wrapping that piece of leather around my neck is incredible. Every time. My breathing gets out of control, my heart races, I get so shy and so vulnerable but also so safe at the same time. It’s one of the most incredible feelings I’ve ever felt. That’s when I know that I will do anything for my Master.

The Return of Domme Kitten

On my birthday this year, I got two presents from Sir Atticus, one of them is a little toy in the form of a 23-year-old girl. Let’s call her Poppy, cos she reminds me of Vanellope from the movie ‘Wreck-it-Ralph’, full of energy and a force of nature. Sir promised me free reign (almost), I can do almost anything I want as long as I remain subservient to Him. Even though I remain under His command, He did give permission for Domme Kitten to come out to play. 😛