Is That A Thing? – Scent

Few months ago I wrote about one of my not so pleasant sexadventures in a post, where I also mentioned about the importance of scents are to me. I guess it had something to do with my primal side, actually I’ve always been very sensitive to scent. But only lately I’ve put more attention to it and I guess finally decide to trust it more. And when I talk about the scent, I mean everyone’s natural scent. Some have it strong, some weaker, like Asians mostly have a very weak natural scent. Sometimes I don’t have an opinion of their scent, sometimes I could hardly stand it and those people I would end up disliking. And going back in time thinking about all those I’ve had brilliant sexual chemistry with and the sex had been very good, I adored all of their scents.

The first that come to mind is my second Dom Sir Sade. His natural scent is very very strong, and it was absolutely intoxicating. It was musky and his whole apartment would smell like him and it would drive me crazy. My last Dom Atticus also had a scent that I loved. His is sweet, slightly smoky, and somehow comforting. Like a vanilla cigar.

But then I met Elio and his scent is also very strong but in a more subtle way. Not everyone can smell it. And I found out that his base scent is my favorite. I seem to be attracted to people who looks a lot like Elio appearance-wise – tall and slim. And peculiarly they all have the same kind of base scent. It’s the smell of skin when it had been under the sun for a while. The smell of sunlight. And then everyone would have an additional scent to that. Except Elio is all sunlight. 😀 I’ve had a short thing with a guy who smells like sunlight and sea salt.

And then Oliver. I really love his scent too. It’s sunlight and something incredibly sweet, I can’t put my finger on it. Something warm and sweet, salty caramel maybe? I like to tease him that he smells like what I imagine babies’ heads smell like. XD I first caught it full force was when I entered his car the first time. I thought he was using some car scent that’s surprisingly pleasant. It took me a while to realize that it’s actually his own scent. And it is pretty unique too, and very easily separated from others. And even his sweat smells the same, just stronger and has a salty undertone. And because of his nature, sweet and warm, I’ve come to associate his scent with safety and comfort, it would also calm me down. That’s why I’ve even asked him whether he would like to be present whenever I meet someone I would like to be tied up by. I am incredibly nervous about being tied up by someone else but him, but I think if I am at least able to smell him, I would not panic or feel uncomfortable.

On the flip side, if I can’t stand the scent of someone, I would end up strongly disliking them. I can think of two girls I’ve met in the kinky community. Both have a very sweet scent, like too sweet, like fruit that is too ripe. But since I try to be friendly, I would sometimes end up hugging them hello at events. And then for the rest of the night, I would smell them on me until I go home to wash my whole body and hair and all of my clothes. Their scents would sometimes give me a headache too.

I also have strong flashbacks of memories from certain scents. Like the part of the city I live in, it sometimes would smell like my hometown in China, and it would bring back memories from my childhood and I can almost feel it in my bones. Scents play a big part in my memory bank.

So why is one’s scent so important to me? I don’t exactly have an answer. I just know that I’ve never had mind-blowing sex with anyone whose scent I don’t love. And recently, especially after the last bad sexperience, I really should learn to trust my instincts more and trust the scent. At least for now, it had never led me astray. I do believe it has something to do with physical compatibility. Might also be pheromones. Oh! And also, their sperm tastes better, those with great scents. 😀

I’m actually pretty eager to meet new people now that I’m completely aware of the importance of natural scents. I would definitely rely on it more to do some of the judgment. And let’s see if it actually works! Whether good scent really equals good sex. 😀 I’ll let you guys know when I’ve collected more data. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Ten Things I’ve Learned About Myself the Past Year

The blog theme of July is self-love and self-improvement since it is my birthday month. Since I love lists so much, I’m going to write one top ten list to put on here for the next four weeks. First up, ten things I’ve learned about myself the past year.

1. Primal

For me this is truly an exciting discovery. Almost as exciting as it was when I found the word to describe my submissive tendencies. I feels like a glove that fits very well and I feel way more comfortable in it than when I thought I was only submissive. Read more about me discovering primal here.

2. Poly

I mean, I’ve been poly all my life, but shaking off the idea of monogamy was a long and rocky journey. Not until recently, I feel like I’m finally walking the walk, and not just talk the talk. And it feels liberating. I feel like I’m at home. Finally. Here‘s my most recent post about polygamy if you want to know more.

3. Affectionate

I’ve always had trouble showing affections. Wrote a whole post about it. After acknowledging it all, I still find myself with immense troubles to show affection or ask for it. But it is gradually getting easier, and I find myself gravitating towards people who are very affectionate. I guess so that I can learn. And for the first time, I actually believe that I deserve it. And that’s the most important step towards a better future.

4. Needy

Along the same lines as the previous one, I’ve always known I’m needy. Needy of affection, of attention, of discipline. Needy of everything. Just like affection, I’ve finally come to terms with me being needy and slowly going towards the belief that I deserve it.

5. Allergic to Drama

During my year of being single and in celibacy, I’ve spoiled myself when it comes to a drama-free environment. I learned to put myself first, and most of the time, my mental health first. I’ve cut people almost completely out of my life, those that don’t spark joy. I think I’ve become allergic to drama, and I’m doing everything I can to avoid it.

6. Running Away

And talking about everything to avoid drama, I’ve learned that I’ve become very good at running away. And I don’t mean avoiding problems that I have to face. I just mean when it comes to things I don’t necessarily have to deal with, then I don’t. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Especially when it comes to relationship stuff.

7. Overthinker

Who am I kidding, I’ve always been an overthinker. But I like to believe that I don’t overthink stuff to torture myself. I hardly go the route of ‘what could I have done’, what’s done is done and no point in wallowing in it. But I do think a lot about my own feelings, behaviors and finding reasons as to them, but only the parts that have to do with me. Cos I’m the only mystery that I have the power to solve, not others. So, I guess a positive kind of overthinking? 😀

8. Terrified of Falling in Love

It took me a while to admit this, but I am terrified of ever falling in love again. I am not looking forward to it at all. Nor do I think that I’m ready in ways that matter. So why force myself? And I think I’m really okay with the possibility that it might never happen. I’ve even written a post about me pondering whether I’m aromantic. For now, I just want to keep things casual, get good friends with benefits, and give myself time to get to know me through new experiences and also through other people. I’m in no hurry.

9. Embracing My Shadow

Without words to actually describe it, I guess I’ve always done that more or less – recognizing my own shadow aka all the ‘negative’ things about my personality. And finding words and actually acknowledging my actions has been very eye-opening and I think in many ways, very healthy. In order to know yourself, you have to know both the good and the bad. Read about the shadow theory more here.

10. Realistic but still Hopeful about the Future

I’ve been quite zen about my future. I’m still slightly anxious but gradually becoming more and more okay with the fact that I might have to spend the rest of my life alone. I see it as one of the most important ways to become more happy by myself. But at the same time I feel like I’ve come to appreciate my friends more, cos I know there’s no point in living without them. I guess I’ve acquired a more realistic view about the future, but I am still hopeful that it would be bright.

There they are, ten things I’ve learned about myself. Next week, I’ll list ten things I love about myself. 😀 Have a great Saturday! 🙂

Is That a Thing? – Biting

Biting has always had a special place in my heart, it’s kinda one of the ways I like to use to express affection. If I like you, I wanna bite you. I’m pretty sure there is a word for it. My biting tendencies were pretty oppressed when I used to play with doms, they mainly saw it as me acting out and being bratty or wanting attention. And they never let me bite as hard as I wanted to. And they also didn’t bite me that much. But despite all the limitations, biting is definitely one of my fetishes that I didn’t get to practice that much, not until my primal side became more prominent.

I’m not saying that biting is strictly a primal thing, it is just in my experiences primals just like to do it more. In fact, we like anything that brings us closer and when it comes to pain, we prefer relying on the damage that we can inflict with our own bodies – teeth, nails, hands, legs, arms, whole body. Of course, being a spanko too myself, I love all kinds of instruments of pain also, but the primal side comes out when I get to get close and personal.

The first time I got a real taste of it was with Elio. I really encouraged him to bite my shoulder as he orgasmed, and he warned me that it was going to hurt a lot. And he was right. I happened to be wearing a shirt at that time when he did exactly what I asked for. He bit my shoulder so hard that I’m 100% positive that it would have broken the skin if I hadn’t had a shirt on. The giant and deep bitemark stayed on for months and I freaking loved it. After that time, it really opened up my now insatiable appetite for being bitten hard, and also getting to bite hard (but maybe more about being a bit).

And I guess biting was part of our play with Oliver almost from the beginning, it started slowly. There were fewer bites and a bit gentler. Until it increased in volume and definitely in ferocity. Most of the time he even does it when we hug goodbye, and it’s kinda our version of a kiss on the cheek – something extra in addition to the hug. I do get to bite him pretty hard too and I enjoy it almost as much. I’m pretty sure when I get to top him next time, it would definitely include a lot of biting.

I can say that biting feels a bit different with Oliver, because it almost always includes me being either tied up by ropes, or him physically limiting my movements aka he holds me in place when he does the biting. And it adds a thick layer of fear and panic into the mix. I feel like a trapped animal. And it somehow makes it hurt a lot more than it should. And it also arouses me a lot more than I’ve anticipated before. Like one of his favorite way to bite me is when he had tied my hands behind my back and I’m bent over either a bed or a table. He would be adjusting the ropes behind me, leaning very close, sometimes so close that I could feel his breath on my skin. And there would be this one second of complete silence during which my panic level would rise through the roof cos I knew what was coming. He would strike like a fucking cobra, and the place on my body where I just felt his hot breath would be replaced by sharp teeth biting down on my flesh without mercy and I would try to squirm away and be powerless to stop the screams coming out of my mouth. And it’s not just my shoulders that he likes biting, shoulders could take quite a lot of pain. He really likes to bite my back, spots almost to the side that are extra sensitive and those spots would almost always bruise up.

Personally, my favorite spot to be bitten is the inner thigh. They bruise super easy, and the pain level there is in another level compared to any other body part (maybe except nipples). It feels like my inner thighs are being cut open with a sharp knife, the warm saliva almost feels like blood running down my thighs, it’s a perfect mindfuck if you have a blindfold on. Inner thigh bruises stay on for months. During summer for someone like me who loves wearing short skirts, thigh bruises are a lovely decoration prettier than any jewelry. 😉 I love the shape of bitemark bruises too, so round and big.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this little post about one of my favorite fetishes that I finally get to practice in full. I might stay on the topic of primal next week, or go for a spanko post, we shall see which mood I’m in next week. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Fifty Shades of Orgasms, part 2

I’ve written about orgasms before, in the part 1, go read it, it was super funny. I might have discussed my relationship with orgasms here and there but I guess I’ve never told the whole story in one post. Let’s talk about that today!

Nowadays, whenever I have a new partner, I have to have this little talk with them. “Listen… my relationship with orgasms is really complicated.” I’m not a fan of that convo, but I just want to let them know that it’s all me and what I like to called orgasmically handicap. Let me start from the very beginning.

I started masturbating really early, like before I even had my period or boobs. But no one taught me how, so for years and years till my late teens, I just rubbed my pussy against my blanket to get off. I lost my virginity when I was 15, but I’ve never, not once had an orgasm during vaginal intercourse until I was like… maybe 25 or something. Or 26. I never masturbated with my fingers, I never explored it. I know my own lady parts inside out cos I like to look at it a lot when I was younger, but I just didn’t like touching myself with my own fingers. With my first boyfriend, I got my first orgasms through him giving me oral. But they were like really weak and behind hard work. After my first boyfriend, I discovered vibrators and finally knew what a strong ass orgasm feels like. It took me quite a while, in other words.

Then came my exfiance. I got a couple of vaginal orgasms with him, I like to believe purely by accident. I used to get them when I was on top and kinda rubbing my clit against them. So I guess not purely vaginal Os. When our sex life quieted down, he became obsessed with me cumming. Probably because he thought that I would want to have sex with him more if I cummed every time. In the beginning, it was exciting. Fun even. Cos my exfiance was really freaking vanilla, but can’t say he didn’t have stamina though. He was very good at really steady humping, which to be honest, can be very good for female orgasms. Well for most girls I guess. So he and I combined fucking and vibrator a lot. But gradually it became harder and harder for me to cum. I didn’t know back then that it was because I wasn’t into vanilla sex. But anyways, he would just become more and more obsessed with getting me off. To a point that I resented it, resented him. Orgasms became hard as fuck to achieve.

So when he and I broke up, I swore to myself that I would never ever force myself to cum anymore. I told all my partners then never to force me. Even to my dominants back then. Then it became weird. With doms I mean. Cos suddenly I had to ask for permission to cum. It was fun in the beginning. Especially with my last Dom Atticus, it was all-consuming. I gave so much of myself and my sexuality to him that during some point, he could basically make me cum on command. But when we broke up, all of it went to shit.

For over four months after the break-up, I couldn’t even masturbate. I was literally incapable of cumming, scared shitless that I would have a mental breakdown over the fact that there was no one to ask for permission and I was miserable. It took me a whole year to finally be in more control of my own body, to take back my orgasms so-to-speak. And orgasms I get from masturbation had literally never been better than the ones I get nowadays.

But one problem still remains, it’s next to impossible for me to cum with others. It’s extremely hard to cum by masturbation in front of my partners, I’ve all but given up on the hope to cum during sex ever again. I mean sure, with a vibrator it can happen. It had happened a couple of times with Oliver. I just think that my body is simply not capable of it anymore because I have such a strong mental block now.

But then, something magical happened last session with Oliver. It was after being tied up and spanked. I was on my all fours with an anal hook up my ass and tied to my neck and hair. He had made me gag many times throat fucking me. He had also pulled a thick textured rope through the anal hook before and it felt like a strong vibrator against the anal plug. It drove me absolutely crazy with lust. I’m sure it was all of that, and also we haven’t played in a while so my body missed him. He then played with me some more with my vibrator, pressing, not just keeping it on my clit but moving it back and forth from the anal hook in my butt across my wet pussy to my clit and back. And the fact that the anal hook was pulling my hair rendering me almost immobile and in an extremely uncomfortable position and it felt like I couldn’t escape the sensory overload. And I fucking loved it all.

Then he started to fuck my pussy, pushing the anal hook even deeper in me and placing the vibrator against my sensitive clitoris. I really don’t have enough words to explain how good it felt, I couldn’t get enough how good his cock felt in my pussy. And all of a sudden, without any warning, like a bomb went off in my netherparts, without anyone yelling ‘incoming’. I exploded. My vision blurred, I couldn’t feel the tension and discomfort on my hair or neck or shoulders, my ears were ringing. I must have screamed cos my throat felt raw afterward. I still can’t believe that I cummed. And not just once. Actually I’m not sure. It was like waves. Every time I thought I was coming down, a new wave of orgasm would just hit me. I didn’t count how many, I didn’t have the brain capacity to even remember my own name. Or it might have been just one giant orgasm that lasted a small eternity.

It was unexpected to say the least. Oliver had no idea what he did to me. I told him of course, but I don’t think he understood just how insane it was. I want to call it my first primal orgasm. I didn’t have to force it, I didn’t have to ask for permission for it, I didn’t even have to think of anything at all. I didn’t even try to cum. That’s why it sneaked up on me, there was no climb at all. It was a grenade I didn’t see coming. It was all sensations, unaltered and unburdened with rules or reason. It was what orgasms should be, the most natural thing in the world. It gave me so much hope that maybe some day, I would be rid of all my mental blocks and just be ‘normal’ with orgasms. At least now I know that my body is capable of it. And I can’t be more grateful.

New Kinky Horizons

Haven’t written about proper Kinky Wednesdays in a hot minute, who knew it would be this hard to find regular play partners? I was on a date today with a hot switch guy so I hope there shall be something exciting to share in the foreseeable future (aka next week). We’ll see. 😉 Also, not saying this is in any shape or form a proper Kinky Wednesday post. This is more of a free-range rant/confession.

For over four years now since I’ve gone full kink, I haven’t really considered going back to vanilla. Don’t worry, calm down, I’m not ‘going back’. But I do feel like that I’m confident and comfortable enough in my kinky sexuality and identity that I just might have some fun while going out and corrupt some nillas. From my very brief but fun sexperiences with Marcus (wrote about him here and here), I discovered that if I like a guy enough as a person, I have infinitely more patience to so-called show them the ropes, in some cases literally. In other words, I probably would never just be fuckbuddies with nillas. Okay, I might have a slightly different definition for fuckbuddies. See, when I decided I only want to have sex with someone, I chuck them into the fuckbuddy category if I don’t like them that much as a person. We might have nothing much in common but the sex is decent enough to justify the continuation of such an arrangement. I much more enjoy the friends with benefits category though, in which I actually enjoy spending time with the other person even when we aren’t fucking. It’s much more fun in FWB relationships but they are hard to come by cos they only work if neither wants to take the relationship onto the next level. 99% of the time I can tell pretty early on whether I just like someone a lot or whether I’m falling in love with that someone. And along the way I think I’ve decided that if I don’t feel I’m falling in love, I wouldn’t consider any serious relationship, cos what is the point, right?

I decided in the beginning of 2019 that this is the year I’m going to date a lot. I mean, of course, I would love to fall in love but that can’t be rushed. It comes when it does. And as you witnessed from me being catfished story, I really really shouldn’t let my pussy decide anything. XD Guess my unofficial first to-do thing would be find however many semi-regular play partners so that I can be in balanced and in peace. Nobody can think clearly when horny, right? What I’m trying to say is, I don’t mind having one spot reserved for nillas. Surely I can handle one nilla. If everything goes well, the hot switch guy would take up the switch spot. Would be interested to have a Dominant spot too but I’m not in that big of a hurry with that one. The primal spot would be hard to fill, damn Elio and his mono-ness. There’s one more spot that I never thought I would have open – the male submissive spot. I’ve put a lot of thought in it and I think I might be interested in giving it a go. Although as I’m not a traditional domme, I wouldn’t want a traditional slave-like submissive man either, I always prefer active to passive.

For over fours years, I sometimes almost felt sorry for myself cos my dating pool shrunk so much due to only wanting to date kinky people and basically only the dominant kind too. It is amazing how much had changed especially this past year. Cos suddenly vanillas kinda reopened its markets for me to fornicate in, and I feel I’m confident enough to play with switches and subs even. Talking about new horizons. I felt so hopeful about the future, and also so much excitement and anticipation. It is only January and tons had happened already, who knows how it’s like by December. 😀

And now if you would excuse me, chatting 1.5 hours with the hot switch guy about upcoming play time didn’t exactly go good for my horny state. I do have another date on Friday to possibly fill up my vanilla spot with an awesome poly guy. I shall update you guys next week. 😀 Until then, stay kinky! 😉