Maybe You’re the Asshole

There is a certain way that I chose to present myself when I joined the kinky community – as a sadist. Partly because it was something new for me and I was very excited about to discover more. But partly also because it felt safe. When I joined, it was almost six months from when my last Dom broke up with me. He broke something in me that I’m still not sure I could ever fix. I know being a submissive is part of my identity but I was deadly afraid to submit again. I still am, after 1.5 years. Being that vulnerable ever again scares the living daylight out of me. So I decided to protect myself, and put my courageous and fearless sadist in the frontline as a shield. And the submissive? I buried her deep underneath everything else. But along with my subbie side, I also buried all the other sensitive and fragile sides of me. My exDom watched my transformation, and he tried to remind me of those sides of me that he got to see. But his constant reminders felt like knives in my gut. I wanted to yell at him that it was him that hurt the sensitive subbie so bad that she doesn’t have the courage to come out anymore. But it wasn’t his fault. I’m the one who is the coward, not my subbie side.

Last week, I was told by a guy from the scene that I am a cold sadist. I have no idea why it kept bothering me so much, a sadist is how I chose to present myself, right? And why would I care what someone who doesn’t know me at all thinks about me? I guess what bothered me was that because the way I chose to present myself, some people would not even want to get to know me, all of me. And is that really what I wanted? I spent a few days thinking about that, and last Sunday I decided to try to be more open, and try to let all of my sides to be seen, not just the sadist. Especially to those who matter, like my play partners. It’s not a weakness to be nice, or caring, or warm while still be everything else that I am.

And literally on the same evening that I decided on trying my best to change how I present myself, I lost two play partners. First I talked to Eddie, telling him how it fell off to go forward so fast with him about the cuckold thing. I told him I know he was eager to give me a lot of power, and I took it without thinking and I didn’t feel like I’ve earned it. But I was too late to realize that. He already made up his mind about us not matching, not giving himself a chance to explore his desires because it was too stressful. I take full responsibility of not forcing him to communicate more because I’m the one with more experience so I should have recognized all the signs that he wasn’t doing okay. But I was too late, and I lost him. All I can do is wish him the best and hope I would do better in the future.

And amongst all of that, I got a long message from Michael how he decided to quit the kink scene altogether. His message felt very copy/paste and it bothered me. As I wrote about him before, he was one of the kinkiest people I’ve ever met, with experiences so crazy that they even shocked me. He always presented them like he was okay with those things, although I wasn’t sure I would’ve been if those happened to me. Should I have made him talk? Should I not believe in his nonchalant tone? I always said that what I care about is what the other person choose to tell me, it doesn’t matter whether it’s true or false, one’s choice what to say speaks volume. But maybe this one time I should’ve trusted my gut and choose not to believe whatever the other person said and just ask one simple question “do you want to talk about it?” However, it’s too late now, and I lost him. All I can do is wish him the best and hope he would be alright.

It was a cruel coincidence that both of them happened at the same night. It was impossible for me not to blame myself, and also be reminded of one wise sentence from the TV show ‘Mom’: “If everyone else around you act like assholes, maybe you are the asshole.” I really like that sentence because it reminds me to self-reflect. That if I keep finding myself in the same situation, it’s probably my fault and not everyone else’s. I’ve been actively doing kink for so many years now, that I forgot about the struggles I had in the beginning. There were wonders and magic for trying new things, but there was also self-doubt and self-blame even. And what both Michael and Eddie had in common was that they were both quite new at this. And I neglected that. I am the asshole here and I am ready to admit it. And I’m also ready to change, put down my ego and be someone worthy of trust.

 

Kinky Goals of 2019

I’m actually in this exact situation relationship-wise as I was in 2015 when I started this block. Well, okay, not exactly the same. I’m not just recently broken up from a long monogamous relationship, nor am I a newbie in a kink scene anymore. I know a great deal more now what I like and need and want from sex and relationships. In 2015 I searched for someone to introduce me to kink and quickly after the introduction I was determined to look for an owner. Well, I am not looking for an intro or an owner now. So what am I looking forward to achieving in 2019 in kink? Well, let’s find out! You know it, through a list! 😀 Don’t worry, it’s only 5 items. 😛

1. Exploring new kinks

In theory, I know what I like, but there are still a lot of things I haven’t tried yet, at least not in the fullest. For example, I would love to explore more variations of watersports and breath play (especially with water). Waterboarding and drowning are things I’m very interested in. And wrestling and struggling in the earnest, I guess me getting fitter and strong would also make that more interesting. Also, I’m weirdly interested in roleplaying. And speaking of roleplaying…

May I Be Kinky

“Bondage By Nature” by Ellie Van den Brande

May I Be Kinky. May as in this month. 😛 Courtesy of Atticus, he came up with the pun when I told him about my busy kinky plans for May. So this is going to be more like a short kinky life update. 😛

In short, there are going to be two munches, two parties, and an afternoon date event for kinky singles looking to mingle. Attending my first munch a few months ago was definitely one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I love the community here in my little country, I love the great people in the scene. And I feel so honored to be part of the community. Took me long enough to join, now that I’m in, I don’t see myself going anywhere.

So basically, the next four weekends all pack some kinky fun. I might be meeting with a potential sub who enjoys the bruising kind of pain who is eager to taste the cane. I will talk about it more if and when it actually comes to fruition and not now, I don’t want to jinx it. I do feel like talking about me topping, cos I haven’t thought about doing that before but I’ve had a change of heart, maybe, due to a conversation I had at a munch.

Which brings me to the next update. I want to start a new blog post series called ‘Munch For Thought’. I get to meet many smart and fascinating people and sometimes the convos go quite deep and even philosophical. Above all, they make me think about my kink and my roles. Mingling with other kinky people, their ideas and thoughts are bound to affect me on my kinky journey, and I welcome all kinds of changes. I used to see myself quite straight-forward, about what I want and what I like when it comes to kink and I did have very strong opinions about things. But like everything in life, only change is constant. And I might be stubborn and have strong points of view, well, until someone or something comes along and change my mind. And I always welcome change, it can be painful but it also can be very beautiful and what life is all about. I will leave all the deep stuff for later, I think Sundays might be a good day for ‘Munch For Thought’ posts since they might not be too long and they are more emo and less practical than posts on Kinky Wednesdays. I swear I’m doing all I can to get this little blog back on track. While still trying to attend all the kinky events. While still desperately fighting to read that 50 books this year. While still trying to get in great shape. I’m happier when I keep busy. 🙂

Let me know in the comments whether you would be interested to read about me at those parties and date event. 😛 Well, I might still write about them anyway. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Blog Shout-Out – Slap & Tickle

Few weeks ago I introduced the lovely Gigi, her insights about being owned and collared and her new blog about sex and kink – Slap & Tickle. In collaboration, she interviewed me for her blog and here’s a little sneak peek:

“Submissiveness is the biggest part of my sexuality, and sex has a really big role in my life, or else I wouldn’t have suffered through vanilla sex for so many years. I’ve described my submissiveness as a breathing break. I feel like I’ve been under water all my life, and only when I get to submit, I can fully breathe. At my first session, it felt like I’ve been eating TV-dinners all my life and for the first time, I got to eat a gourmet meal. The submissive state is my safe haven, where I can be myself 100%.”

That was my answer for just one of the ten questions, go to her blog to read the rest! 🙂 I might be a little biased, but I do think writing about sex and kink is important, and also very fun too. Do swing by her blog and show her some love. ❤

Is That A Thing? – Anal Hooks

Aaaand we’re back with the naughty stuff! This time, it’s all about the little metal hook. I have to admit, if nothing else, anal hooks enable some pretty stunning photos. They actually remind me of a Dom I’ve chatted with a long time ago, back when I was still looking for Doms. He was really into anal hooks, and it might be just that that made me a wee bit hesitant to meet up with him in person, because I used to hate anything anal. But then again, it’s also timing, because twice when he was like ‘let’s meet up’, I was already involved with another Dom.

So anal hooks, after I no longer hate anal, I do have to wonder what took me so long to venture into actually trying it. I remember, not long ago, when Sir Atticus presented his new toy to me, a simply one ball anal hook, I felt a tinge of excitement mixed with fear. Because anal hooks always involve some pretty intense looking bondage. And I was a little worried that my long hair would be too slippery for tying up. Some time passed and I managed to forget all about the hook, until one nice evening when I found myself tied up standing on my tippy toes, my wrists tied up leather cuffs to the ceiling hook, when Sir whispered the words all subbies would always equally love and dread to hear at the same time: “Oh, I got an idea.” Especially when you are a little tied up.