Confessions of a Sadist, part 3

It has been 1.5 years since I wrote the previous part about my sadism. And oh the number of people I’ve spanked at that time. 😀 I’ve sprinkled those stories here and there so you have to explore a bit if you want to read them. I might have to make a site map at some point. But here today, I want to talk about one specific sadistic experience I had recently.

I met this young guy at a kinky newcomers’ evening, he was extremely shy and didn’t talk much. We got to chatting a bit and I came to find out that he thinks he is submissive. He does want me to deal out some pain via spanking. We went to grab a coffee and I found out more just how shy he is. More than shy, he has severe social anxiety and he has a hard time to look me in the eyes and sometimes it takes quite a long time for him to reply. But we did agree on a session.

I had no idea what is going to happen on the session day. Since he has no experience whatsoever, I wasn’t sure what I even get to do. He requested pain, but he seems to have this slightly twisted idea of why a woman would want to hurt him. I made it clear to him that my desire to hurt people does not come from a place of hatred or anger. I really care about the people I play with. If I don’t like someone, and thus couldn’t care less about their well-being, I don’t find it enjoyable at all to hurt. I need to care about them first. I think he somehow had a hard time understanding my meaning, but I also think that he finally got it after the spanking.

Back to the session. It was intense. There is no other way to describe it. I had him tied from his wrists to my ceiling hook, stripped naked. But for some weirdest reason, that was the point he decided to stop obeying. Since my apartment is not that big, I sometimes have to turn the people hanging on my hook to get a better angle for myself to spank. But he wouldn’t budge. It was quickly becoming apparent that this was turning into a punishment. And didn’t that thought got my sadistic blood pumping.

It was a struggle. For him, not me. He wasn’t bratty, what he did was more than being bratty. It was flat out disobedience. And no matter how much pain I dealt on him, he wouldn’t obey. I had never got such a rush, nothing gets my sadist out than a disobeying sub. When he wouldn’t turn his back to me, I would switch to a whip made from a thin cable to get to his back no matter which way he faces. I covered his eyes so he wouldn’t see where I am and where the whip is coming from. I was going to start nice and slow, but that plan went out of the window pretty fast. I noticed his voice changing. He talks in this quiet shy voice, like he is afraid to speak with this real voice. But what I got out of him through pain was a loud and strong voice. He would roar at me, yell profanities, his whole body would shake from the adrenalin coursing through him from the extreme pain. I started to feel that he wanted me to get angry. He clearly had no idea how sadism work. Well, at least my sadism.

Cos not once did I lose my temper. I wasn’t even tempted. I’m not sure if he was aware, that every time he disobeys me, he is giving me a pure rush of sadism. There is always a certain amount of guilt when I inflict pain for others whenever it’s not a punishment. Like eating a donut. I love donuts, I know I’ve been good and eating well so I can ‘afford’ a donut but still, I would feel guilty. Punishments are like guilt-free donuts. He is giving me guilt-free donuts. The funny thing is, I saw it in his eyes many times during the session, he wanted to obey. Especially the direct commands. There is a submissive inside of him. But for some reason, he was steadfast of not submitting. He wanted me to force him, literally by force, to submit. But that’s not really my style. And I don’t think that’s even how submission works, at least not for me. Me fighting against submission when I want to, well I’m not sure that’s even possible. I would safeword out.

Anyways, I stopped at the point when his whole backside and half of his frontside were covered in bruises. Heavy heavy bruises. The kind that if I spank any more, his skin would break. His limit wasn’t skin breakage but he tapped out when I started to squeeze his buttcheeks that were swollen and bruised up. The squeezing is something that would break me easily, so I completely understand how he couldn’t stand it almost at all.

Afterward, I had a long chat with him. I confessed to him that I wasn’t sure if I like the disobedient attitude he seemed to be forcing on himself. However fun it was to punish him. I let him know that I cared about his well-being a lot, and I think he believed it then, by how many times I checked whether his hands were getting cold or numb. Or how I stopped his arms from coming down too quickly from the bindings cos I know how much it hurts when the blood rushes back to your limbs. I think he didn’t expect me to care, he was actually touched by it.

After the session, I made sure to check on him for a few days and about a week after. I was left with a positive feeling about it. I guess I surprised at myself, this session was as close as I had ever got to be the dominant one. I was surprised how natural it felt, or how much I like be in charge. I wasn’t aroused though, it was something else entirely. I was attracted to him a little bit but when I was in that top space, I wasn’t really thinking about sex at all. This is still all very new to me. And I’m not sure whether I would get to experience it again. I would have to think about that and I shall let you know. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Parties and The Thrill of it All

I have issues. More than a few and some more prominent than others. I’ve mentioned before that I have problems with receiving and asking for affection, I am also very scared to submit again due to some serious abandonment issues and problems of letting go and just feel. I miss D/s like I miss oxygen underwater. I would like to reclaim my submissive self, I would like to be sure and confident again in that role and not be so goddamn… scared. But I actually have no idea how to do it. Oliver has been my little window of oxygen, with him it is easy for me to let go because he keeps things light and his sadist side lets me go into subspace through pain and occasionally fear. But it’s also his style of keeping things light that I hardly ever could get into subspace through mental submission. I need humiliation and mindfuckery. But most of all, I think I am the one who is stopping myself from submitting to anyone mentally. Because that is the ultimate surrender. I was so thrilled to discover my primal side because it satisfies a part of me that lets me be in control mentally all the time. But I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that I can’t be without D/s, nor primal. I need both.

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. So it was Oliver’s second kinky house party last week and somehow it got even wilder than the first. At least from my own point of view. You see, I hardly ever play at the BDSM club and other ‘public’ kinky parties. I mostly assume the role of a sadist and I spank people. Occasionally I let others spank me but I always stop it way before my breaking point. I’m always fully in control. But somehow, at Oliver’s party, at his home, I felt safe. And maybe too safe. Cos I was way more reckless than usual. I played with people way more than I ever even planned to. The sadist with the vampire gloves Mr R was among the guests and I got to play with the gloves yet again. Because all of my clothing is very unsuitable with the gloves (mesh and such), I had to strip naked. I am never fully naked unless I’m at private sessions. I mean I don’t necessarily mind it all that much but it does make me feel vulnerable.

But the gloves weren’t the trigger, cos I didn’t break. During the evening, I was tied up, bit, flogged etc but then suddenly R was spanking me. I was slightly aware that Oliver gave him the okay as R continued straight from Oliver’s spanking, and I think that was the point that started to mess with my head. ‘Giving a sub away’ is an extremely dominant act, it both surprised me and turned me on. I don’t think Oliver was aware of his action making me feel more submissive than most things because it had the humiliation aspect too. Of course, I was fully aware that I could have stopped R if I wanted to, but I’ve received spankings from R before and he is very good at it. I did not anticipate how I would feel other than enjoying a good spanking.

R was not gentle. He knew exactly how much I can take and he went for it. It didn’t take long at all when I started to sob, and then an unfamiliar feeling took hold of me, a feeling I’ve only dread in my head – I panicked. Not the type that came with the vampire gloves, not the fight or flight type. This was something deeper in my head. I started to panic because I was breaking, and it wasn’t just because of the pain. I was losing the battle in preventing myself from mentally submitting and I panicked. Because of all of the issues I mentioned above. I trust R fully, I respect him as a sadist and a dominant very much and I know he would never do anything to hurt me that I didn’t consent to. But he doesn’t know all of my issues, he doesn’t know what it takes me to let someone close enough to help me come back from subspace. And the only reason I didn’t have a full-on panic attack right there and then is because I know Oliver was there. And I kinda relied on him giving all of the aftercare that I would need afterward. And that’s really not fair to Oliver or Mr R, that I kept all of that storm raging inside.

In my defense, it took me days to figure out why I panicked. And the more intense the session/submission, the longer it would take me to untangle my thoughts and I’m still kinda waiting for that sub-drop to hit me, now four days later. But it hadn’t yet. Or I’m not sure, I’ve been keeping myself busy. But I am aware that I need to discuss this with Oliver. And also address this problem with myself. I wish I can submit as easily as I did at the beginning of my journey, how fearless I was. And I refuse to have that fearlessness taken away from me. I am going to get it back. I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to submit to anyone I choose to. I’ve always viewed submission as the ultimate control. Only when you have full control of yourself is when you can give up that control to someone else. Have I actually lost control while I fight so hard to keep it?

Is That a Thing? – Biting

Biting has always had a special place in my heart, it’s kinda one of the ways I like to use to express affection. If I like you, I wanna bite you. I’m pretty sure there is a word for it. My biting tendencies were pretty oppressed when I used to play with doms, they mainly saw it as me acting out and being bratty or wanting attention. And they never let me bite as hard as I wanted to. And they also didn’t bite me that much. But despite all the limitations, biting is definitely one of my fetishes that I didn’t get to practice that much, not until my primal side became more prominent.

I’m not saying that biting is strictly a primal thing, it is just in my experiences primals just like to do it more. In fact, we like anything that brings us closer and when it comes to pain, we prefer relying on the damage that we can inflict with our own bodies – teeth, nails, hands, legs, arms, whole body. Of course, being a spanko too myself, I love all kinds of instruments of pain also, but the primal side comes out when I get to get close and personal.

The first time I got a real taste of it was with Elio. I really encouraged him to bite my shoulder as he orgasmed, and he warned me that it was going to hurt a lot. And he was right. I happened to be wearing a shirt at that time when he did exactly what I asked for. He bit my shoulder so hard that I’m 100% positive that it would have broken the skin if I hadn’t had a shirt on. The giant and deep bitemark stayed on for months and I freaking loved it. After that time, it really opened up my now insatiable appetite for being bitten hard, and also getting to bite hard (but maybe more about being a bit).

And I guess biting was part of our play with Oliver almost from the beginning, it started slowly. There were fewer bites and a bit gentler. Until it increased in volume and definitely in ferocity. Most of the time he even does it when we hug goodbye, and it’s kinda our version of a kiss on the cheek – something extra in addition to the hug. I do get to bite him pretty hard too and I enjoy it almost as much. I’m pretty sure when I get to top him next time, it would definitely include a lot of biting.

I can say that biting feels a bit different with Oliver, because it almost always includes me being either tied up by ropes, or him physically limiting my movements aka he holds me in place when he does the biting. And it adds a thick layer of fear and panic into the mix. I feel like a trapped animal. And it somehow makes it hurt a lot more than it should. And it also arouses me a lot more than I’ve anticipated before. Like one of his favorite way to bite me is when he had tied my hands behind my back and I’m bent over either a bed or a table. He would be adjusting the ropes behind me, leaning very close, sometimes so close that I could feel his breath on my skin. And there would be this one second of complete silence during which my panic level would rise through the roof cos I knew what was coming. He would strike like a fucking cobra, and the place on my body where I just felt his hot breath would be replaced by sharp teeth biting down on my flesh without mercy and I would try to squirm away and be powerless to stop the screams coming out of my mouth. And it’s not just my shoulders that he likes biting, shoulders could take quite a lot of pain. He really likes to bite my back, spots almost to the side that are extra sensitive and those spots would almost always bruise up.

Personally, my favorite spot to be bitten is the inner thigh. They bruise super easy, and the pain level there is in another level compared to any other body part (maybe except nipples). It feels like my inner thighs are being cut open with a sharp knife, the warm saliva almost feels like blood running down my thighs, it’s a perfect mindfuck if you have a blindfold on. Inner thigh bruises stay on for months. During summer for someone like me who loves wearing short skirts, thigh bruises are a lovely decoration prettier than any jewelry. 😉 I love the shape of bitemark bruises too, so round and big.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this little post about one of my favorite fetishes that I finally get to practice in full. I might stay on the topic of primal next week, or go for a spanko post, we shall see which mood I’m in next week. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

The B in BDSM – Part 5, More Ropes

A bit more than three months ago, I wrote about being at the shibari course with Oliver. I’ve enjoyed ropes done by him from the beginning, but after three months, the ropes had become a fixed part of almost every session we have. And sometimes, I even miss the feeling of being tied up. I feel safe in ropes. I also discovered a fascinating thing – and that’s how intimate bondage is to me. I’ve never thought about it because I used to always just play with my own doms, and I used to always felt safe with them. After that, I didn’t exactly seek out bondage, it simply wasn’t something on my to-do list so to speak. But then Oliver got me back into them, and I started to think about it. I mean, I don’t mind asking for a spanking from the tops and switches and doms that I trust. And I’ve done exactly that a few times when I really really needed a spanking. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. But the mere thought of getting tied up by anyone else but Oliver terrifies me.

And that’s the strange thing, it’s not like I don’t trust those other kinksters I know. Some of them are a lot more experienced with ropes than Oliver is, but it’s I guess the specific kind of trust that I need. I’ve thought about it a lot, trying to find out why. It reminded me of how uncomfortable I got from being tied up for spankings, even if it was just simply with leather cuffs around my wrists. So much so that I couldn’t fully enjoy a good spanking. I came to realize that being tied up is simply too intimate of an act for me and it also puts me in a vulnerable position. Not just physically but mentally too. Somehow it makes me feel more submissive and it is not a side of me that I’m willing to show just anyone. The thought of being tied up by someone I’m not ready to fully submit to mentally but the ropes kind of force that on me against my will, that is what terrifies me.

I guess I’ve not realized earlier just how protective I’ve become with my submissive side after my last dom. Even with Oliver, it took us more than a month of playing regularly for me to get into subspace. But I think the key was also that I didn’t plan to with Oliver. He wasn’t the classic kind of dom, and we never set out for our play time to be D/s. But once in a while, especially during sessions where his sadist side is more prominent, it had turned into D/s more strongly. The transition had been organic for us though, it wasn’t planned or intended. But I still don’t see him as my dom, he is more the dom I play with and that’s why it works. I’m more at ease that way in my head. Anyways, back to the ropes.

I’ve begun to really enjoy the sadistic type of bondage. It’s harsh, it’s not blood flow restricting but very very tight, it often hurts with ropes dragged and pulled against my skin. They often leave deep rope marks on the skin for hours, sometimes even bruises. I enjoyed the discomfort of being in ropes during pleasure and pain, it made me feel extra used and losing control. I feel like I’m completely at his mercy and it is intoxicating. Just being tied up would arouse me.

I love it that it is way less boring than I thought it would be. At least with Oliver, it is different almost every time. Sometimes he takes his time to do really pretty and thorough designs around my body and the fall into subspace would be gentle yet erotic. Feeling his hands and the ropes brushing against my skin and some more sensitive parts would raise goosebumps on my skin. Feeling the heat of his body against me and feeling him breathing behind me on my skin and his scent surrounding me just as the ropes are doing the same, it all turns my brain into mush. But sometimes he would be doing it hard and fast like he couldn’t wait to hurry to the next step which usually is torturing me with pain and pleasure. He would wrap ropes harshly around my flesh, pulling and tugging fast and hard and it would all make me breathless. He would emit these small animalistic sounds with every sharp jerk of the rope and that would make me gasp from the intense sensations. It’s a less gentle way to put me in subspace, now it’s the pain and savageness that I didn’t think possible with ropes before that puts me under and at the same time gets me so freaking wet and ready for whatever it is to come…

But my very favorite part about ropes is not the tying up part. I do adore it but I happen to love the process of Oliver taking the ropes off even more. It’s a relief, it’s intimate and makes me feel appreciated. It’s the way he does it, with almost more care than when he puts them on. He told me that it was this one thing he learned from a female rope top that really made an impression. She said that it would feel very unsatisfying for the rope bottom if the top just releases the ropes, the feeling of ropes just going limp, it’s almost a brutal way to take the bottom out of the state they are in when they are in ropes. So when Oliver releases the ropes, he keeps the tension in them until the end. He would pull the rope out of loops and knots slowly, so I could feel every inch of them. And often when the rope releases finally, he would replace the pressure my body felt earlier with his arms or his body. I’m never left missing the sudden disappearance of ropes that had made me feel safe, the descent back to the ground is always done with care and patience and I enjoy every second of it.

The Kidnapping

From the moment I found out that Oliver drives his car to parties at the BDSM club, this idea of getting ‘kidnapped’ and thrown into his car trunk had popped in my head. Of course, it was nothing new, I’ve seen many pictures, had many fantasies and even discussed with some people to do it. Here’s the thing about fulfilling fantasies and trying new things with Oliver, unlike with anyone else, he and I tend to get things done very quickly. Like the water bondage thing. And he always exceeds all of my expectations of how seriously he takes the play and also how much efforts he puts into them. I guess we had that in common, we both can take our play time quite seriously, I was so used to being the only one who wants to put in more effort.

We don’t necessarily plan things out thoroughly, we just discuss some things in a general sense like him asking me whether I like being manhandled or more like a gentle and spiritual experience. To which I replied that being manhandled roughly is spiritual to me. 😀 And that’s kinda all of the pointers he needed. Oh that and also he would tie me up at the club before throwing me in the trunk.

Conveniently, it was a rope party at the club, and he picked me up and showed me the trunk that he had emptied. He also put a tiny pillow in the trunk for me, cos that’s the stuff our sweet Oliver would do. The party was nothing special, with a couple of bondage shows, he and I mingled mostly separately. It was past midnight when we realized the time and he told me to bring him my extra long rope to tie me up and also my little red buttplug. It wasn’t the first time, and he usually does it just anywhere, but this time he told me to go to the dark room with him. For those who aren’t familiar with BDSM clubs, the dark room is a place for a little more privacy, usually decorated with beds and well, people go there to fuck and do other naughty stuff they don’t want to do in the main area of the club for everyone to see. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to go to the dark room with him, wasn’t he just going to tie me up?