Parties and The Thrill of it All

I have issues. More than a few and some more prominent than others. I’ve mentioned before that I have problems with receiving and asking for affection, I am also very scared to submit again due to some serious abandonment issues and problems of letting go and just feel. I miss D/s like I miss oxygen underwater. I would like to reclaim my submissive self, I would like to be sure and confident again in that role and not be so goddamn… scared. But I actually have no idea how to do it. Oliver has been my little window of oxygen, with him it is easy for me to let go because he keeps things light and his sadist side lets me go into subspace through pain and occasionally fear. But it’s also his style of keeping things light that I hardly ever could get into subspace through mental submission. I need humiliation and mindfuckery. But most of all, I think I am the one who is stopping myself from submitting to anyone mentally. Because that is the ultimate surrender. I was so thrilled to discover my primal side because it satisfies a part of me that lets me be in control mentally all the time. But I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that I can’t be without D/s, nor primal. I need both.

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. So it was Oliver’s second kinky house party last week and somehow it got even wilder than the first. At least from my own point of view. You see, I hardly ever play at the BDSM club and other ‘public’ kinky parties. I mostly assume the role of a sadist and I spank people. Occasionally I let others spank me but I always stop it way before my breaking point. I’m always fully in control. But somehow, at Oliver’s party, at his home, I felt safe. And maybe too safe. Cos I was way more reckless than usual. I played with people way more than I ever even planned to. The sadist with the vampire gloves Mr R was among the guests and I got to play with the gloves yet again. Because all of my clothing is very unsuitable with the gloves (mesh and such), I had to strip naked. I am never fully naked unless I’m at private sessions. I mean I don’t necessarily mind it all that much but it does make me feel vulnerable.

But the gloves weren’t the trigger, cos I didn’t break. During the evening, I was tied up, bit, flogged etc but then suddenly R was spanking me. I was slightly aware that Oliver gave him the okay as R continued straight from Oliver’s spanking, and I think that was the point that started to mess with my head. ‘Giving a sub away’ is an extremely dominant act, it both surprised me and turned me on. I don’t think Oliver was aware of his action making me feel more submissive than most things because it had the humiliation aspect too. Of course, I was fully aware that I could have stopped R if I wanted to, but I’ve received spankings from R before and he is very good at it. I did not anticipate how I would feel other than enjoying a good spanking.

R was not gentle. He knew exactly how much I can take and he went for it. It didn’t take long at all when I started to sob, and then an unfamiliar feeling took hold of me, a feeling I’ve only dread in my head – I panicked. Not the type that came with the vampire gloves, not the fight or flight type. This was something deeper in my head. I started to panic because I was breaking, and it wasn’t just because of the pain. I was losing the battle in preventing myself from mentally submitting and I panicked. Because of all of the issues I mentioned above. I trust R fully, I respect him as a sadist and a dominant very much and I know he would never do anything to hurt me that I didn’t consent to. But he doesn’t know all of my issues, he doesn’t know what it takes me to let someone close enough to help me come back from subspace. And the only reason I didn’t have a full-on panic attack right there and then is because I know Oliver was there. And I kinda relied on him giving all of the aftercare that I would need afterward. And that’s really not fair to Oliver or Mr R, that I kept all of that storm raging inside.

In my defense, it took me days to figure out why I panicked. And the more intense the session/submission, the longer it would take me to untangle my thoughts and I’m still kinda waiting for that sub-drop to hit me, now four days later. But it hadn’t yet. Or I’m not sure, I’ve been keeping myself busy. But I am aware that I need to discuss this with Oliver. And also address this problem with myself. I wish I can submit as easily as I did at the beginning of my journey, how fearless I was. And I refuse to have that fearlessness taken away from me. I am going to get it back. I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to submit to anyone I choose to. I’ve always viewed submission as the ultimate control. Only when you have full control of yourself is when you can give up that control to someone else. Have I actually lost control while I fight so hard to keep it?

The Need to Be Desired

Lately, I haven’t been in the mood to masturbate much. It kinda started in June but I explained it away with me being in a really bad place mentally. So I was expecting my usual routine to return in July, but it just… didn’t. So I had to come up with something else that’s wrong with me. 😛 Cos you see, there are two ways how I determine how well I’m doing – the first one is how hungry I am, second is how horny I am. When I’m down, I would lose my appetite and my desire.

A few days ago I listened to this all-girls podcast and one of the girls talked about how she gets off by sending nudes and the other person getting horny from it. She gets off on being desired and wanted, lusted after. And that really reminded me just how much I miss sending nudes. And not just sending them, but being asked for them from someone I also lust after.

I am an exhibitionist through and through, but my thing is slightly narrower. I don’t mind sharing nudes on websites like Fetlife, and I like showing off my bruises and marks over my naked body. But if I take nudes (not about bruises), I always take them for someone. I have a thing for capturing emotions, not just skin. So if I don’t see the desire for someone in my own nudes, I see them as… hollow. That’s why I don’t really get any kicks from likes on my nudes on Fetlife, cos I basically only care about one person’s approval and that’s the one I took that picture for. I also love getting pictures back from them, like pics about their boners with captions like “This is what your pics did to me”.

So I started to think about my previous relationships, serious kinds, and the definitely-not-serious ones and thinking about how much nudes were involved. The technology wasn’t there to make sending pics easy but I do wonder whether I would have been hornier during my vanilla relationships if there were naughty pics involved. I reached my peak horniness when I started my kinky journey. Cos dominants really like little tasks and requesting nudes and videos. Even though most of them were casual relationships and we weren’t meeting more than once a week, I was constantly horny. A big part of it was of course all about the kinky sex. But I can’t help but think that maybe it was because of the number of nudes I was sending. I always felt desired, I always felt wanted. And the fact that I always felt wanted by partners, it fed on my desires like twigs to a wildfire.

I’ve always thought that my sex drive is flexible. That it would mold around my partners’ sex drives. But I’m starting to think that maybe my sex drive is all about how much I feel I’m wanted. That would explain whenever I have more than one partner, my sex drive would increase.

So back to me being in this dry spell of masturbation. I didn’t want to date anyone new in the summer, because I just wasn’t feeling it, my heart wasn’t in it. And what comes to my FWB Oliver, we do have a lot of fun together but like I said before I’m not his type so I’ve never felt like he is into me outside our sessions. He might well be the type that doesn’t like getting or sending nudes, or just not with me. I don’t really mind that, but I do have to get out this slump and he is not someone that can help me. So I seem to be in a little vicious cycle. When I don’t feel I’m wanted (enough) I don’t get horny, and since horniness is my main driving force to find new people to fuck, I don’t feel like putting much effort in it. And if I don’t get anyone new to lust after me, how else am I gonna get my mojo back? *deep sigh

I don’t have a solution for this, no happy ending to this particular post. I’m not that worried about it yet, but I’m sure the panic is going to hit me soon. I’ve been doing a lot of things to distract myself lately, and it is still kinda working. But I know me, once I figure something about myself out, it would start bugging me until I find a solution or at least a plan for action. Well. I shall let you know. Sorry for this particular Kinky Wednesday post to be a bit depressing, it can’t always be smelling the pussy juices, I mean the roses. 🙂 Hopefully I got better, naughtier news next time. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Is That a Thing? – Biting

Biting has always had a special place in my heart, it’s kinda one of the ways I like to use to express affection. If I like you, I wanna bite you. I’m pretty sure there is a word for it. My biting tendencies were pretty oppressed when I used to play with doms, they mainly saw it as me acting out and being bratty or wanting attention. And they never let me bite as hard as I wanted to. And they also didn’t bite me that much. But despite all the limitations, biting is definitely one of my fetishes that I didn’t get to practice that much, not until my primal side became more prominent.

I’m not saying that biting is strictly a primal thing, it is just in my experiences primals just like to do it more. In fact, we like anything that brings us closer and when it comes to pain, we prefer relying on the damage that we can inflict with our own bodies – teeth, nails, hands, legs, arms, whole body. Of course, being a spanko too myself, I love all kinds of instruments of pain also, but the primal side comes out when I get to get close and personal.

The first time I got a real taste of it was with Elio. I really encouraged him to bite my shoulder as he orgasmed, and he warned me that it was going to hurt a lot. And he was right. I happened to be wearing a shirt at that time when he did exactly what I asked for. He bit my shoulder so hard that I’m 100% positive that it would have broken the skin if I hadn’t had a shirt on. The giant and deep bitemark stayed on for months and I freaking loved it. After that time, it really opened up my now insatiable appetite for being bitten hard, and also getting to bite hard (but maybe more about being a bit).

And I guess biting was part of our play with Oliver almost from the beginning, it started slowly. There were fewer bites and a bit gentler. Until it increased in volume and definitely in ferocity. Most of the time he even does it when we hug goodbye, and it’s kinda our version of a kiss on the cheek – something extra in addition to the hug. I do get to bite him pretty hard too and I enjoy it almost as much. I’m pretty sure when I get to top him next time, it would definitely include a lot of biting.

I can say that biting feels a bit different with Oliver, because it almost always includes me being either tied up by ropes, or him physically limiting my movements aka he holds me in place when he does the biting. And it adds a thick layer of fear and panic into the mix. I feel like a trapped animal. And it somehow makes it hurt a lot more than it should. And it also arouses me a lot more than I’ve anticipated before. Like one of his favorite way to bite me is when he had tied my hands behind my back and I’m bent over either a bed or a table. He would be adjusting the ropes behind me, leaning very close, sometimes so close that I could feel his breath on my skin. And there would be this one second of complete silence during which my panic level would rise through the roof cos I knew what was coming. He would strike like a fucking cobra, and the place on my body where I just felt his hot breath would be replaced by sharp teeth biting down on my flesh without mercy and I would try to squirm away and be powerless to stop the screams coming out of my mouth. And it’s not just my shoulders that he likes biting, shoulders could take quite a lot of pain. He really likes to bite my back, spots almost to the side that are extra sensitive and those spots would almost always bruise up.

Personally, my favorite spot to be bitten is the inner thigh. They bruise super easy, and the pain level there is in another level compared to any other body part (maybe except nipples). It feels like my inner thighs are being cut open with a sharp knife, the warm saliva almost feels like blood running down my thighs, it’s a perfect mindfuck if you have a blindfold on. Inner thigh bruises stay on for months. During summer for someone like me who loves wearing short skirts, thigh bruises are a lovely decoration prettier than any jewelry. 😉 I love the shape of bitemark bruises too, so round and big.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this little post about one of my favorite fetishes that I finally get to practice in full. I might stay on the topic of primal next week, or go for a spanko post, we shall see which mood I’m in next week. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

The B in BDSM – Part 5, More Ropes

A bit more than three months ago, I wrote about being at the shibari course with Oliver. I’ve enjoyed ropes done by him from the beginning, but after three months, the ropes had become a fixed part of almost every session we have. And sometimes, I even miss the feeling of being tied up. I feel safe in ropes. I also discovered a fascinating thing – and that’s how intimate bondage is to me. I’ve never thought about it because I used to always just play with my own doms, and I used to always felt safe with them. After that, I didn’t exactly seek out bondage, it simply wasn’t something on my to-do list so to speak. But then Oliver got me back into them, and I started to think about it. I mean, I don’t mind asking for a spanking from the tops and switches and doms that I trust. And I’ve done exactly that a few times when I really really needed a spanking. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. But the mere thought of getting tied up by anyone else but Oliver terrifies me.

And that’s the strange thing, it’s not like I don’t trust those other kinksters I know. Some of them are a lot more experienced with ropes than Oliver is, but it’s I guess the specific kind of trust that I need. I’ve thought about it a lot, trying to find out why. It reminded me of how uncomfortable I got from being tied up for spankings, even if it was just simply with leather cuffs around my wrists. So much so that I couldn’t fully enjoy a good spanking. I came to realize that being tied up is simply too intimate of an act for me and it also puts me in a vulnerable position. Not just physically but mentally too. Somehow it makes me feel more submissive and it is not a side of me that I’m willing to show just anyone. The thought of being tied up by someone I’m not ready to fully submit to mentally but the ropes kind of force that on me against my will, that is what terrifies me.

I guess I’ve not realized earlier just how protective I’ve become with my submissive side after my last dom. Even with Oliver, it took us more than a month of playing regularly for me to get into subspace. But I think the key was also that I didn’t plan to with Oliver. He wasn’t the classic kind of dom, and we never set out for our play time to be D/s. But once in a while, especially during sessions where his sadist side is more prominent, it had turned into D/s more strongly. The transition had been organic for us though, it wasn’t planned or intended. But I still don’t see him as my dom, he is more the dom I play with and that’s why it works. I’m more at ease that way in my head. Anyways, back to the ropes.

I’ve begun to really enjoy the sadistic type of bondage. It’s harsh, it’s not blood flow restricting but very very tight, it often hurts with ropes dragged and pulled against my skin. They often leave deep rope marks on the skin for hours, sometimes even bruises. I enjoyed the discomfort of being in ropes during pleasure and pain, it made me feel extra used and losing control. I feel like I’m completely at his mercy and it is intoxicating. Just being tied up would arouse me.

I love it that it is way less boring than I thought it would be. At least with Oliver, it is different almost every time. Sometimes he takes his time to do really pretty and thorough designs around my body and the fall into subspace would be gentle yet erotic. Feeling his hands and the ropes brushing against my skin and some more sensitive parts would raise goosebumps on my skin. Feeling the heat of his body against me and feeling him breathing behind me on my skin and his scent surrounding me just as the ropes are doing the same, it all turns my brain into mush. But sometimes he would be doing it hard and fast like he couldn’t wait to hurry to the next step which usually is torturing me with pain and pleasure. He would wrap ropes harshly around my flesh, pulling and tugging fast and hard and it would all make me breathless. He would emit these small animalistic sounds with every sharp jerk of the rope and that would make me gasp from the intense sensations. It’s a less gentle way to put me in subspace, now it’s the pain and savageness that I didn’t think possible with ropes before that puts me under and at the same time gets me so freaking wet and ready for whatever it is to come…

But my very favorite part about ropes is not the tying up part. I do adore it but I happen to love the process of Oliver taking the ropes off even more. It’s a relief, it’s intimate and makes me feel appreciated. It’s the way he does it, with almost more care than when he puts them on. He told me that it was this one thing he learned from a female rope top that really made an impression. She said that it would feel very unsatisfying for the rope bottom if the top just releases the ropes, the feeling of ropes just going limp, it’s almost a brutal way to take the bottom out of the state they are in when they are in ropes. So when Oliver releases the ropes, he keeps the tension in them until the end. He would pull the rope out of loops and knots slowly, so I could feel every inch of them. And often when the rope releases finally, he would replace the pressure my body felt earlier with his arms or his body. I’m never left missing the sudden disappearance of ropes that had made me feel safe, the descent back to the ground is always done with care and patience and I enjoy every second of it.

The Kidnapping

From the moment I found out that Oliver drives his car to parties at the BDSM club, this idea of getting ‘kidnapped’ and thrown into his car trunk had popped in my head. Of course, it was nothing new, I’ve seen many pictures, had many fantasies and even discussed with some people to do it. Here’s the thing about fulfilling fantasies and trying new things with Oliver, unlike with anyone else, he and I tend to get things done very quickly. Like the water bondage thing. And he always exceeds all of my expectations of how seriously he takes the play and also how much efforts he puts into them. I guess we had that in common, we both can take our play time quite seriously, I was so used to being the only one who wants to put in more effort.

We don’t necessarily plan things out thoroughly, we just discuss some things in a general sense like him asking me whether I like being manhandled or more like a gentle and spiritual experience. To which I replied that being manhandled roughly is spiritual to me. 😀 And that’s kinda all of the pointers he needed. Oh that and also he would tie me up at the club before throwing me in the trunk.

Conveniently, it was a rope party at the club, and he picked me up and showed me the trunk that he had emptied. He also put a tiny pillow in the trunk for me, cos that’s the stuff our sweet Oliver would do. The party was nothing special, with a couple of bondage shows, he and I mingled mostly separately. It was past midnight when we realized the time and he told me to bring him my extra long rope to tie me up and also my little red buttplug. It wasn’t the first time, and he usually does it just anywhere, but this time he told me to go to the dark room with him. For those who aren’t familiar with BDSM clubs, the dark room is a place for a little more privacy, usually decorated with beds and well, people go there to fuck and do other naughty stuff they don’t want to do in the main area of the club for everyone to see. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to go to the dark room with him, wasn’t he just going to tie me up?