Favorite Kinky Experiences 2019

Happy New Decade! 😀

This is going to be a short one, I’m just going to list ten of my favorite kinky experiences I had in the year 2019. It’s going to be pretty Oliver heavy since I met him in February and he is my primary kinky play partner this year. Let’s get on with it!

1. Revisiting double penetration – read more here.

2. Shibari – read more here, here and here. There is one more experience to add here that I didn’t have a chance to write yet and it was being tied up by someone else than Oliver and it was a semi-suspension. 😀 I promise I would write about the experience soon.

3. Casa Oliver aka my first time at Oliver’s place – read more here.

4. Water Bondage – read more here.

5. The Kidnapping – read more here.

6. The Threesome – read more here.

7. Vampire Gloves – read more here.

8. Revelations at parties – read more here. It was at Oliver’s second kinky house party that kinda triggered to do some much-needed self-reflection that led to some pretty intense epiphanies. It was all roses but it was necessary.

9. Spanking at the club. I don’t think I’ve written about this but it was one of the most intense and sadistic experiences I’ve ever had since I started BDSM. I have no idea what it was, but it was just spanking and vampire gloving by Oliver at the club, I think it was the first time that I was fully nude. He tied me up and the pain enveloped me from all over. Oliver’s sadist was fully out and he was glorious. But I guess the being in public aspect, also it was after the beginning of my struggles with not submitting mentally to him, and that we both kinda ignored proper aftercare, we both dropped after that public session. But it was because of it that I went ahead and created the ‘aftercare protocol’ below. The drop wasn’t fun but I don’t want the session to be tainted by what we both neglected to do. I want to remember it as one of my favorite sessions ever. It somehow made me more shameless.

10. Aftercare protocol – read more here.

The Theme of December 2019 – Accomplishments and Failures

For me, December has been the month of reflection of me for years now. In the dusk of the year, I like to look back and see where I succeeded at, where I failed and most importantly, what I learned. So this month, I’m going to write about my fails and accomplishments, the challenges and goals I’m setting for the next year. Also, I’m sharing updates for my no shopping year, dating, fitness and nerdy goals.

I for one is extremely excited about the year 2020. It’s the 20s! You know it’s going be filled with lots of challenges around the number 20. 😀 Like 20 first dates. XD I also got an idea recently, just for fun. You may or may not know about my alphabet. I set out starting from 2019 to have sex with guys with names that start with a different letter. It’s going to take a minute, and I still get really excited when I meet someone interesting with a really exotic ‘letter’ like the C or G or Z. So my brand new idea is having sex with men with different zodiac signs. XD Oh man, 2020 is gonna be fun!

Ten Things I’ve Learned About Myself the Past Year

The blog theme of July is self-love and self-improvement since it is my birthday month. Since I love lists so much, I’m going to write one top ten list to put on here for the next four weeks. First up, ten things I’ve learned about myself the past year.

1. Primal

For me this is truly an exciting discovery. Almost as exciting as it was when I found the word to describe my submissive tendencies. I feels like a glove that fits very well and I feel way more comfortable in it than when I thought I was only submissive. Read more about me discovering primal here.

2. Poly

I mean, I’ve been poly all my life, but shaking off the idea of monogamy was a long and rocky journey. Not until recently, I feel like I’m finally walking the walk, and not just talk the talk. And it feels liberating. I feel like I’m at home. Finally. Here‘s my most recent post about polygamy if you want to know more.

3. Affectionate

I’ve always had trouble showing affections. Wrote a whole post about it. After acknowledging it all, I still find myself with immense troubles to show affection or ask for it. But it is gradually getting easier, and I find myself gravitating towards people who are very affectionate. I guess so that I can learn. And for the first time, I actually believe that I deserve it. And that’s the most important step towards a better future.

4. Needy

Along the same lines as the previous one, I’ve always known I’m needy. Needy of affection, of attention, of discipline. Needy of everything. Just like affection, I’ve finally come to terms with me being needy and slowly going towards the belief that I deserve it.

5. Allergic to Drama

During my year of being single and in celibacy, I’ve spoiled myself when it comes to a drama-free environment. I learned to put myself first, and most of the time, my mental health first. I’ve cut people almost completely out of my life, those that don’t spark joy. I think I’ve become allergic to drama, and I’m doing everything I can to avoid it.

6. Running Away

And talking about everything to avoid drama, I’ve learned that I’ve become very good at running away. And I don’t mean avoiding problems that I have to face. I just mean when it comes to things I don’t necessarily have to deal with, then I don’t. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Especially when it comes to relationship stuff.

7. Overthinker

Who am I kidding, I’ve always been an overthinker. But I like to believe that I don’t overthink stuff to torture myself. I hardly go the route of ‘what could I have done’, what’s done is done and no point in wallowing in it. But I do think a lot about my own feelings, behaviors and finding reasons as to them, but only the parts that have to do with me. Cos I’m the only mystery that I have the power to solve, not others. So, I guess a positive kind of overthinking? 😀

8. Terrified of Falling in Love

It took me a while to admit this, but I am terrified of ever falling in love again. I am not looking forward to it at all. Nor do I think that I’m ready in ways that matter. So why force myself? And I think I’m really okay with the possibility that it might never happen. I’ve even written a post about me pondering whether I’m aromantic. For now, I just want to keep things casual, get good friends with benefits, and give myself time to get to know me through new experiences and also through other people. I’m in no hurry.

9. Embracing My Shadow

Without words to actually describe it, I guess I’ve always done that more or less – recognizing my own shadow aka all the ‘negative’ things about my personality. And finding words and actually acknowledging my actions has been very eye-opening and I think in many ways, very healthy. In order to know yourself, you have to know both the good and the bad. Read about the shadow theory more here.

10. Realistic but still Hopeful about the Future

I’ve been quite zen about my future. I’m still slightly anxious but gradually becoming more and more okay with the fact that I might have to spend the rest of my life alone. I see it as one of the most important ways to become more happy by myself. But at the same time I feel like I’ve come to appreciate my friends more, cos I know there’s no point in living without them. I guess I’ve acquired a more realistic view about the future, but I am still hopeful that it would be bright.

There they are, ten things I’ve learned about myself. Next week, I’ll list ten things I love about myself. 😀 Have a great Saturday! 🙂

The Man of My Dreams

You would think that after posting 25 days in a row, you wouldn’t hear from me until next year! Well, I’m already on a roll! I still have several posts planned before the year 2018 is out. The post today is actually my initial plan for the advent calendar. I know, a much more boring version than the kinky advent calendar. As you may remember, I was supposed to remain single and in celibate till the end of this year, so already at the beginning of the year, I wanted to write down 25 characteristics or personality traits that I am attracted to in a partner. Of course, it’s all done in a light-hearted way. And like two months ago I decided to instead post the kinky version of the advent calendar. But my ‘list’ of 25 dream man traits is already all gathered so I guess I might as well share it. So here they are, not in any particular order.

1. High energy – just like me. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m always a little tired cos I don’t have enough time to sleep (6-7 hours most nights). But I never let it slow me down one bit. In fact, the more sleep deprived I am, the more energetic I might seem cos I guess extreme tiredness unlocks an extra energy pack inside of me or something. 😀 I hardly ever cancel plans or not do something just because I’m a little tired. So I want my partner to be the same.
2. Goofy. Fingers crossed, I hope I will never lose the kid in me and I will always be able to be silly and goof around. I don’t take myself too seriously, so I hope my partner in crime is the same. People who are too serious and ‘adult’ bore me.
3. Romantic and sweet. As in doing little things and never get tired of working for silly surprises. I consider myself the same.
4. Curious. Curious mind who would never stop wondering about things they don’t know and not afraid to admit that they don’t know. Someone who never want to stop learning new things or skills.
5. Optimistic.
   
   Cynical people are a turnoff. We all been through some shit. And it’s those come out the other side with a certain optimism still intact, those who take the punches that life gives them with a smile on their faces, those are my people.
6. Polyamorous. Since I’m poly, it starts to get harder and harder to imagine myself with someone who isn’t.
7. Confident – borderline arrogant. In my opinion, arrogance can also be quite sexy if they really have the goods to back it up. As in ‘I know I’m good and I like to flaunt it’.
8. Affectionate – I enjoy physical contact, I like PDA. As touch is one of my love languages.
9. In-tune with themselves and their own feelings. As I constantly learning about myself, I like people who do the same. Getting to know yourself should be the priority for everyone.
10. Generous. I don’t like men who nit-picks. I’m very generous with my time, attention or even money when it comes to someone I like, so I like partners who are generous too.
11. Adventurous. I like people who aren’t afraid of the unknown, most importantly with food as I am a foodie.
12. Passionate. Not just in the sexual sense, I just like people who are passionate about something. For me it’s movies and books, stories in general.
13. Extroverted. For some reason, I’ve only dated introverted men, for some reason they are attracted to my extremely extroverted personality. Guess they are drawn to my energy. But I like to keep my energy to myself, I like to bounce it off on other high-energy people so I’m quite determined that the next person I date is going to be an extrovert.
14. Open. I don’t like to be guessing what’s going on.
15. Good. And nice. Often under-appreciated qualities but I consider them to be important.
16. Honest. No one likes secrets.
17. Nerdy. Whether it be games, movies, books, comics, etc., only nerds would get the periodical craziness I get into from time to time about different things and people.
18. Primal. Or a playful kind of dominant.
    
19. Funny. I like people who make me laugh. Sarcastic and dark sense of humor would match me well.
20. Strong. Mental and physical. Strength is a characteristic that I adore the most in people.
21. Kinky as fuck. As in ready to try anything at least once. The kinky world is still full of wonders to explore.
22. Let me be me. Take me as I am. Someone that I don’t need to censor myself in front of.
23. Match my light, match my darkness. Getting a little deep here, but I have my sunny side and my dark sides. I want someone who can match me in both of those extremes.
24. Make me a better person. This is something I started to appreciate more the older I get. I know my own weaknesses like I can be a nicer person, a stronger person, have more self-control and self-discipline. So I want someone who is also striving to be those things or is already there. I want someone who inspires me to become the best version of myself.
25. Let me love them more. This is the oddest one I guess. I know many people who want their partners to love them more than they love them, but ever since I knew what love was, I’ve always wanted to be with someone that I can love more than they love me. I know I know, love is hard to measure but I guess I just would know when I’m in it.

Here’s the silly list. I can list as many as I like, but in the end, it’s what I feel that matters in the end. Of course, I’m attracted to people with characteristics I listed above, but I think it’s just something unknown (chemicals or divine intervention and shit) that would make me feel something more than general affection. Things above are those that would make me like someone a lot, but it’s always going to remain a complete mystery to me what are the components that make me fall in love with someone. I will be sure to let you guys know if I ever find out. Maybe I will fall in love next year. 😛 Until then, stay kinky! 😉

34 Things I’ve Learned About Myself

My 34th year in this world began this month. So to celebrate my birthday that, I’m going to write something special today. You guessed it! Lists! I love lists, so I’m listing 34 things I’ve learned about myself in my 34 years. I guess it’s not too shabby to learn one thing about yourself for every year you’ve lived, and hopefully, I will continue learning. And from that note, let’s start with a big one.

1. The Meaning of Life 

Well, at the very least the meaning of my own life is ultimately balance. A balance between every aspect of my life. In order to archive that balance, first I have to get to know myself. That’s why I’ve been often accused of over-thinking. I find it utterly inconceivable how some people are perfectly content not knowing why they are the way they are or why they feel a certain way about things. My mind would not rest until I find out the what and the how and the why of me being or feeling this and that. And the more I learn about myself, the more I know what I want and need. Fulfilling yourself and working hard to archive what you want, for me that is balance.

2. Fearless to Change

The fear of change, any change, can be very prominent for many, including myself. From a very young age, I was thrown into major life changes without me deciding so, like moving to Finland from China. For the longest time, I craved stability and was most reluctant to change. Slowly but surely though, especially in my 30s, I’ve finally learned to embrace change, even when it’s not my choice to begin with. I started to see change as a possibility instead of a burden. I don’t believe that you can change others but yourself, although I do believe that people can change.

3. I Am a Leo After All

Being the only child, I learned to be by myself, so it took me a while to realize that I’m actually an extrovert. I get energy from being around people, attending parties and just mingling.

4. Loyalty is My Virtue

I don’t have many virtues, but I’ve always been very loyal. Although to earn my loyalty might not be the easiest task, but once you got me in your corner, you got me for as long as you care for me.

5. Passion is My Weakness

Or strength, depends on the day. I am a very passionate person, I feel strongly about things. Passion becomes my weakness cos I require equal amount of passion from the other person and thing to keep me from burning. You lose interest in what you do, I lose interest in what you do. You lose interest in me, you can bet your sweet ass that I would lose interest in you and quickly. And I’m not the kind to look back because…

6. Forward, Always

I’m not a fan of wasting time, especially my time. The way I see it, I got this one life to live. And because of this attitude of mine towards life; you lose my interest, you lose me; you lose my trust, you lose me; you let me go, I won’t stay and wait.

7. Book Worm

Now after the heavy hitters, something lighter. I love books, ever since I was a kid. Reading every book that I want is one of the main reason I want to live forever.

8. Movie Freak

I not only love movies, I love myself for being capable of loving all kinds of movies. Although I’ve found myself to get more and more critical as the years go by, I still love the motion picture, in big or small screens.

9. I Live to Eat

I love everything about food, all kinds of food and not just eating, but cooking it. As a matter of fact, my insistence of eating good food only might be the only thing that keeps me from becoming 300 kg.

10. Puppy on Cocaine

I was told recently that I’m always in a slightly excited state, like a puppy on cocaine that has just learned the meaning of the word “walkies”. 😀 I don’t deny that, it’s not that hard to get me excited about things. The mere fact of being alive is very exciting for me, so why wouldn’t I be excited about the smallest things? And that’s also why…

11. I’m Never Bored

I’ve heard somewhere that only boring people are ever bored. With such an active imagination like I have, I manage to find amusement from almost anywhere and anyone.

12. Obsessive in Nature

Because of my passionate personality and me finding excitement in a lot of things, I tend to obsess over things. When I start liking something, I fangirl hard. But since there are so many things to obsess over, I tend to move on pretty quickly. I never obsess over people though, not anymore, unless it’s an actor or something along those lines.

13. My Love For Writing

I’ve always loved writing, I guess it comes with the territory of loving to read. I’m not a good speaker, I can express myself the best when I have the time to put the mumble jumble in my head into writing. In my core, I’m a story-teller. And talking about stories…

14. Everything is Either a Story or a Lesson

I believe that everything happens for a reason, good and bad. It would make a great story if it’s something good. And I take great care to learn a lesson if it’s something bad.

15. Surprise Me

I love to be surprised, preferably pleasantly. Like with a present or an impromptu trip, I almost always find the not knowing way more exciting, and most of the time I end up not even caring/minding what the surprise ends up to be, however big or small.

16. Fan of Firsts

Although I might be scared at first of trying many things, I’m a big fan of trying something for the first time, no matter what it is. Cos the older you get, the rarer those first times are going to be.

17. Shopaholic

Time to talk about some of the bad things about myself that I wish to change. The first step is to admit the problem, right? So here goes. I’m a materialist with slight shopaholic tendencies. I love things too much, I suck at saving, cos I don’t feel my money is my money unless I buy a thing with that money. I struggle with it, and I intend to change it, and maybe someday become a minimalist. Not for a long while though, one day at a time. And talking about struggles…

18. Best Planner, Struggle to Finish

As a bullet journal enthusiast, I am an excellent planner. And very thorough too. My problem is following through my own plans. I’ve started so many projects that I struggle to finish, maybe ever. But this year, at least I aim to finish some of my reading projects.

19. Hedonist

Passionate, obsessive, I guess it’s not difficult to draw the conclusion that I’m a hedonist. It’s most challenging to deny anything from myself and I’m not known for being immune to temptation. Actually quite the opposite. Luckily, I also don’t like losing, especially to myself, so setting challenges for myself had helped me resist some temptations. 😛

20. Natural Born Liar

When I was younger, I lied constantly. It’s the curse of being the only child, no one to back me up so I learned to lie to my parents. What I didn’t realize that in the process of becoming a masterful liar, my biggest target is most of the time myself. For the longest time, I was so damn good at lying to myself. Right about the time I started writing this blog was when I couldn’t lie to myself any longer, and in the process, I lost the taste for lying altogether. To others, or to myself. Once I started to be 100% honest to me, I didn’t care to hide anything from others either. And liberating might not be the right word, but it’s the first one that comes to mind.

21. Humor Is My Sword and Shield

It’s my strength and weakness at the same time. I use sarcasm as an attack mechanism, so I sometimes come off as rude and mean. I also use jokes as a defense mechanism, so I sometimes come off as awkward, weird and that I can’t take anything seriously. I use humor both when I’m confident and uncomfortable, so it’s sometimes hard to tell which on any given time. So I can be an open book but extremely hard to read at the same time, depending on how much effort you are willing to make in order to get to know me.

22. No Shortcuts

I don’t believe in shortcuts, whether it be weight loss, learning something new or mastering a new skill. I do believe hard work, determination, and tenacity.

23. In the Name of Fun

I take risks, I am reckless, I jump before I look, in the name of having the most fun. I guess I would never stop being silly, or taking the shortest/easiest route, cos where’s the fun in that? 😀

24. Control Freak

Slowly but surely, I am trying to get rid of my need to control everything. I know I would never be the kind to go with the flow. I mean, I do do that sometimes, when I don’t care what happens. So if you find me trying my darnest to control the situation, know that it’s because I care.

25. Submissive

Some might argue that being a submissive is about losing control. In my opinion, no matter whether you are a sub or a Dom, D/s is all about the control. It’s when I’m submitting to a Dominant of my choosing, I feel like I’m in most control. Cos after all, you have to have control first before willingly giving it up to someone else, am I right? 😉

26. Sadist

Might just be one of the most recent find. Although it might’ve been plain to see that I am one, or so I’m told, but it’s not until recently that I admit to myself just how much I enjoy being one.

27. Bi-sexual, maybe

I’ve been secured in my sexuality, at least this part of it since I was pre-teen. And after that, I haven’t questioned it. Well, until recently. I’ve been meaning to write about it for a while now, but decided against it cos it’s still very murky in my own head. So I guess I will get to it once I gain some clarity first.

28. Polyamorous, perhaps

Again, another thing that I thought I was sure about but just recently started doubting. Mostly because I’m not sure I am capable of loving multiple people at the same time, although I do believe in giving the one I love the freedom to love others too. Again, something I need to explore more before writing more about it.

29. I Love My Own Company

I already established that I’m never bored, so even if I am an extrovert and I like being around people, I am very good at being by myself too. I love my own company, and I’m so utterly in love with living by myself. Although I don’t want to be forever alone, I really don’t mind it that much. I’ve learned to be by myself and loving it. So that leads us to…

30. I Never Settle

Because I’m completely okay with spending the rest of my life by myself, that means I will never settle for less than what I have to offer for myself. I would never date someone just to have someone to be with. I would never be with someone just because I don’t want to be alone. Never out of loneliness, never settling for less than I think I deserve.

31. I Take Nothing For Granted

One of the worst feelings in the world is being taken for granted, so I take a lot of care to never do that, to myself or to others and to just life itself.

32. I’m a Dreamer Who Doesn’t Know How to Stop

No matter how many times I get my heart broken, I don’t know how to stop dreaming that maybe one day, I will find my ever after. Hope can be the cruelest thing, but I’m not sure I know how to stop hoping. Because…

33. Giving Up Is Not In My Blood

Plain and simple. And finally…

34. I Deserve a Love Story

It took me 34 years, but finally, just recently, from it being just a chant I keep repeating to myself to actually believing in it. Believing that I really deserve my happy ending. It might not be a constant feeling. Just like learning things about myself, it’s a work in progress. So I guess, to be continued… 🙂