My personality is strongly ruled by two main things, two things that affect my actions, decisions and behavior: I don’t like to ask for things and I hate to be of trouble. Being the only child, I’ve learnt to be independent from quite a young age. I am used to getting things done when they need to be done, buying myself stuff when I want something, doing it all by myself instead of asking for help. Not that I’m arrogant enough to think that I never need help, nor do I think that I don’t deserve help, I just don’t like to ask. Because I don’t like to or want to be of trouble to anyone.
And as every child of an ordinary Asian family would know, Asian parents aren’t known for their skill to show affection. I can seriously count with fingers from my hands how many times I remember hugging my mom or vice versa since I entered my teenage years. And I seriously couldn’t remember when was the last time my dad hugged me. Asian parents have other ways to show their love, it is in every ‘have you eaten yet’, ‘do you have enough to wear’ and ‘go to bed early’. It was the strangest thing to see my friends’ moms and dads hugging them. It was one of the most oddly comforting thing getting hugged by my ex’s mom. But if you ask any of my friends or ex-boyfriends, I wouldn’t be one of the most affectionate person they could think of. As a matter of fact, I probably rank high on the list of most cold person they could think of.
I hate to come of as cold. Cos I’m really not. It just takes me a long time to figure out how to ask for that affection. I’m just like one of those kitty cats that would die for rubs on my head or long strokes down my spine, but instead of rubbing myself on your legs or pushing my head under your hand, I would just stare at you from the corner and mentally willing you to take me in your arms. Now I’m not talking about anything sexual, I’ve learnt to make a move first myself later in my life. And I don’t consider asking for anything sexual ‘being of trouble’.
So since I’ve started sessioning, me being a submissive just strengthened my personality traits. I have no problem whatsoever asking for pain, for a spanking, for rough sex. I get myself into troubles and almost beg to be punished all the time. Cos in those cases, I feel like I have something to offer. But asking for affection, I’m even worse than my usual self. And it must be the lack of practice, I couldn’t really think of a different reason why, my knee-jerk reflex to getting affection is to freeze up. I hope it’s not because some tiny part of me thinks I don’t deserve it. I just get surprised. I’m not used to affection so freely dealt out.
I have no idea what my Dom must think of me… Many times He had hugged me and it took me many times before I could raise my hands and put them around Him to return the hug. All I could think about is how much I want to squeeze the living daylight out of Him. Many times after sessions, I mostly keep my distance, not on purpose, it’s more like by default I would make sure none of my body would touch His. But all I could think about is how much I want to feel the warmth of the someone who had just given me such intense pleasure and pain and peace. Many times I’ve just stared at His hair, wanting nothing more than to feel how it feels like between my fingers. I caught myself actually apologizing for accidentally touching His arm once during aftercare time… I’m sure He’s still having the hard time to read me, whether I want to be touched at all after sessions. And sometimes my missed chances to ask for affection or even receive it gracefully, in a way that I really want to receive them, they would haunt me days afterwards. And sometimes that would result in me getting into a subdrop. I am feeling slightly droppy today.
Before meeting my Dom, I’ve never felt such a strong urge to learn to show affection. And learn to receive it. First, because I really like Him. Second, He is one of my favorite person right now. And third, I’m so very grateful for all of those experiences He had given me so far. So I will try my best, Sir. And when I succeed, there would be one more thing to give You credit for.