The year was 2009. I broke up from my first boyfriend of three years, was about to graduate from college and was also on the verge of a major self-discovery, my sexuality, my identity as a submissive. I was confused, I was lost, but I was excited because I felt like I finally found myself. That year remains one of the biggest turning points of my life. I was single, I was obsessed with Twilight. Well, maybe not Twilight, just the strong feelings it created inside of me. It was the reason that drove me to discover Twilight fanfiction, and along with that a fanfiction piece called ‘Submissive‘ in which I identified myself. And from there it really took the longest, most winding road to the person I am today, and to the experiences, I’ve had these past few years, and eventually to this blog right here. But before my sexual evolution, I read another fanfiction story that taught me how to deal with my emotions, angst and how to be true to myself and how to express it. It’s a story called “Wide Awake“, it’s still free to read online so go check it out if you want to. Even if it’s a fanfiction of Twilight, it had absolutely nothing in common other than the names. What also made “Wide Awake” so special to me was the music. Almost in every chapter, the author would name a song she was listening to while writing. And those songs together became a list on my iPod called ‘Stories’. Each and every one of them represents a very strong emotion, not necessarily any single memory, simply just the way I felt when I was discovering myself. For eight years now, I’ve had that same list of songs that I would listen to whenever I’m feeling lost, emotional, angsty or simply when I want to refocus and remind myself that I’m the one who matters the most. In some sense, these songs is me in its rawest form, at my most vulnerable state.
So I thought I would share my song list here on Jukebox Fridays, one song at a time. They might not be as profound to you as they would always be to me, but I hope you would enjoy. First on the list – ‘Strange and Beautiful’ by Aqualung. My favorite parts of the lyrics:
“Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do”