The Aftercare Protocol

I’m almost notorious for being really bad at aftercare. Since I’ve been doing this longer than Oliver, I can’t help but feel bad that I’m being a bad influence to him. Cos learning proper aftercare procedure is very important for any kinkster. And he and I had been neglecting our aftercare almost willfully. Not that we don’t do it, but we don’t really know what to do. And I’ve had a few drops and they ain’t fun at all. But I haven’t had a huge drop yet but I think by this time, I am only testing my luck. So, in the true spirit of a great secretary, I present to you, ladies and gents – The Great Aftercare Protocol.

Of course, it’s just a draft for now, but I am pretty darn proud of it. It took me so fucking long to make it on Canva, that I’m just going to leave it here, go to sleep and I will let you guys know later whether it works in practice or not. 😀 Until then, stay kinky!

Parties and The Thrill of it All

I have issues. More than a few and some more prominent than others. I’ve mentioned before that I have problems with receiving and asking for affection, I am also very scared to submit again due to some serious abandonment issues and problems of letting go and just feel. I miss D/s like I miss oxygen underwater. I would like to reclaim my submissive self, I would like to be sure and confident again in that role and not be so goddamn… scared. But I actually have no idea how to do it. Oliver has been my little window of oxygen, with him it is easy for me to let go because he keeps things light and his sadist side lets me go into subspace through pain and occasionally fear. But it’s also his style of keeping things light that I hardly ever could get into subspace through mental submission. I need humiliation and mindfuckery. But most of all, I think I am the one who is stopping myself from submitting to anyone mentally. Because that is the ultimate surrender. I was so thrilled to discover my primal side because it satisfies a part of me that lets me be in control mentally all the time. But I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that I can’t be without D/s, nor primal. I need both.

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. So it was Oliver’s second kinky house party last week and somehow it got even wilder than the first. At least from my own point of view. You see, I hardly ever play at the BDSM club and other ‘public’ kinky parties. I mostly assume the role of a sadist and I spank people. Occasionally I let others spank me but I always stop it way before my breaking point. I’m always fully in control. But somehow, at Oliver’s party, at his home, I felt safe. And maybe too safe. Cos I was way more reckless than usual. I played with people way more than I ever even planned to. The sadist with the vampire gloves Mr R was among the guests and I got to play with the gloves yet again. Because all of my clothing is very unsuitable with the gloves (mesh and such), I had to strip naked. I am never fully naked unless I’m at private sessions. I mean I don’t necessarily mind it all that much but it does make me feel vulnerable.

But the gloves weren’t the trigger, cos I didn’t break. During the evening, I was tied up, bit, flogged etc but then suddenly R was spanking me. I was slightly aware that Oliver gave him the okay as R continued straight from Oliver’s spanking, and I think that was the point that started to mess with my head. ‘Giving a sub away’ is an extremely dominant act, it both surprised me and turned me on. I don’t think Oliver was aware of his action making me feel more submissive than most things because it had the humiliation aspect too. Of course, I was fully aware that I could have stopped R if I wanted to, but I’ve received spankings from R before and he is very good at it. I did not anticipate how I would feel other than enjoying a good spanking.

R was not gentle. He knew exactly how much I can take and he went for it. It didn’t take long at all when I started to sob, and then an unfamiliar feeling took hold of me, a feeling I’ve only dread in my head – I panicked. Not the type that came with the vampire gloves, not the fight or flight type. This was something deeper in my head. I started to panic because I was breaking, and it wasn’t just because of the pain. I was losing the battle in preventing myself from mentally submitting and I panicked. Because of all of the issues I mentioned above. I trust R fully, I respect him as a sadist and a dominant very much and I know he would never do anything to hurt me that I didn’t consent to. But he doesn’t know all of my issues, he doesn’t know what it takes me to let someone close enough to help me come back from subspace. And the only reason I didn’t have a full-on panic attack right there and then is because I know Oliver was there. And I kinda relied on him giving all of the aftercare that I would need afterward. And that’s really not fair to Oliver or Mr R, that I kept all of that storm raging inside.

In my defense, it took me days to figure out why I panicked. And the more intense the session/submission, the longer it would take me to untangle my thoughts and I’m still kinda waiting for that sub-drop to hit me, now four days later. But it hadn’t yet. Or I’m not sure, I’ve been keeping myself busy. But I am aware that I need to discuss this with Oliver. And also address this problem with myself. I wish I can submit as easily as I did at the beginning of my journey, how fearless I was. And I refuse to have that fearlessness taken away from me. I am going to get it back. I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to submit to anyone I choose to. I’ve always viewed submission as the ultimate control. Only when you have full control of yourself is when you can give up that control to someone else. Have I actually lost control while I fight so hard to keep it?

The B in BDSM – Part 5, More Ropes

A bit more than three months ago, I wrote about being at the shibari course with Oliver. I’ve enjoyed ropes done by him from the beginning, but after three months, the ropes had become a fixed part of almost every session we have. And sometimes, I even miss the feeling of being tied up. I feel safe in ropes. I also discovered a fascinating thing – and that’s how intimate bondage is to me. I’ve never thought about it because I used to always just play with my own doms, and I used to always felt safe with them. After that, I didn’t exactly seek out bondage, it simply wasn’t something on my to-do list so to speak. But then Oliver got me back into them, and I started to think about it. I mean, I don’t mind asking for a spanking from the tops and switches and doms that I trust. And I’ve done exactly that a few times when I really really needed a spanking. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. But the mere thought of getting tied up by anyone else but Oliver terrifies me.

And that’s the strange thing, it’s not like I don’t trust those other kinksters I know. Some of them are a lot more experienced with ropes than Oliver is, but it’s I guess the specific kind of trust that I need. I’ve thought about it a lot, trying to find out why. It reminded me of how uncomfortable I got from being tied up for spankings, even if it was just simply with leather cuffs around my wrists. So much so that I couldn’t fully enjoy a good spanking. I came to realize that being tied up is simply too intimate of an act for me and it also puts me in a vulnerable position. Not just physically but mentally too. Somehow it makes me feel more submissive and it is not a side of me that I’m willing to show just anyone. The thought of being tied up by someone I’m not ready to fully submit to mentally but the ropes kind of force that on me against my will, that is what terrifies me.

I guess I’ve not realized earlier just how protective I’ve become with my submissive side after my last dom. Even with Oliver, it took us more than a month of playing regularly for me to get into subspace. But I think the key was also that I didn’t plan to with Oliver. He wasn’t the classic kind of dom, and we never set out for our play time to be D/s. But once in a while, especially during sessions where his sadist side is more prominent, it had turned into D/s more strongly. The transition had been organic for us though, it wasn’t planned or intended. But I still don’t see him as my dom, he is more the dom I play with and that’s why it works. I’m more at ease that way in my head. Anyways, back to the ropes.

I’ve begun to really enjoy the sadistic type of bondage. It’s harsh, it’s not blood flow restricting but very very tight, it often hurts with ropes dragged and pulled against my skin. They often leave deep rope marks on the skin for hours, sometimes even bruises. I enjoyed the discomfort of being in ropes during pleasure and pain, it made me feel extra used and losing control. I feel like I’m completely at his mercy and it is intoxicating. Just being tied up would arouse me.

I love it that it is way less boring than I thought it would be. At least with Oliver, it is different almost every time. Sometimes he takes his time to do really pretty and thorough designs around my body and the fall into subspace would be gentle yet erotic. Feeling his hands and the ropes brushing against my skin and some more sensitive parts would raise goosebumps on my skin. Feeling the heat of his body against me and feeling him breathing behind me on my skin and his scent surrounding me just as the ropes are doing the same, it all turns my brain into mush. But sometimes he would be doing it hard and fast like he couldn’t wait to hurry to the next step which usually is torturing me with pain and pleasure. He would wrap ropes harshly around my flesh, pulling and tugging fast and hard and it would all make me breathless. He would emit these small animalistic sounds with every sharp jerk of the rope and that would make me gasp from the intense sensations. It’s a less gentle way to put me in subspace, now it’s the pain and savageness that I didn’t think possible with ropes before that puts me under and at the same time gets me so freaking wet and ready for whatever it is to come…

But my very favorite part about ropes is not the tying up part. I do adore it but I happen to love the process of Oliver taking the ropes off even more. It’s a relief, it’s intimate and makes me feel appreciated. It’s the way he does it, with almost more care than when he puts them on. He told me that it was this one thing he learned from a female rope top that really made an impression. She said that it would feel very unsatisfying for the rope bottom if the top just releases the ropes, the feeling of ropes just going limp, it’s almost a brutal way to take the bottom out of the state they are in when they are in ropes. So when Oliver releases the ropes, he keeps the tension in them until the end. He would pull the rope out of loops and knots slowly, so I could feel every inch of them. And often when the rope releases finally, he would replace the pressure my body felt earlier with his arms or his body. I’m never left missing the sudden disappearance of ropes that had made me feel safe, the descent back to the ground is always done with care and patience and I enjoy every second of it.

Fifty Shades of Orgasms, part 2

I’ve written about orgasms before, in the part 1, go read it, it was super funny. I might have discussed my relationship with orgasms here and there but I guess I’ve never told the whole story in one post. Let’s talk about that today!

Nowadays, whenever I have a new partner, I have to have this little talk with them. “Listen… my relationship with orgasms is really complicated.” I’m not a fan of that convo, but I just want to let them know that it’s all me and what I like to called orgasmically handicap. Let me start from the very beginning.

I started masturbating really early, like before I even had my period or boobs. But no one taught me how, so for years and years till my late teens, I just rubbed my pussy against my blanket to get off. I lost my virginity when I was 15, but I’ve never, not once had an orgasm during vaginal intercourse until I was like… maybe 25 or something. Or 26. I never masturbated with my fingers, I never explored it. I know my own lady parts inside out cos I like to look at it a lot when I was younger, but I just didn’t like touching myself with my own fingers. With my first boyfriend, I got my first orgasms through him giving me oral. But they were like really weak and behind hard work. After my first boyfriend, I discovered vibrators and finally knew what a strong ass orgasm feels like. It took me quite a while, in other words.

Then came my exfiance. I got a couple of vaginal orgasms with him, I like to believe purely by accident. I used to get them when I was on top and kinda rubbing my clit against them. So I guess not purely vaginal Os. When our sex life quieted down, he became obsessed with me cumming. Probably because he thought that I would want to have sex with him more if I cummed every time. In the beginning, it was exciting. Fun even. Cos my exfiance was really freaking vanilla, but can’t say he didn’t have stamina though. He was very good at really steady humping, which to be honest, can be very good for female orgasms. Well for most girls I guess. So he and I combined fucking and vibrator a lot. But gradually it became harder and harder for me to cum. I didn’t know back then that it was because I wasn’t into vanilla sex. But anyways, he would just become more and more obsessed with getting me off. To a point that I resented it, resented him. Orgasms became hard as fuck to achieve.

So when he and I broke up, I swore to myself that I would never ever force myself to cum anymore. I told all my partners then never to force me. Even to my dominants back then. Then it became weird. With doms I mean. Cos suddenly I had to ask for permission to cum. It was fun in the beginning. Especially with my last Dom Atticus, it was all-consuming. I gave so much of myself and my sexuality to him that during some point, he could basically make me cum on command. But when we broke up, all of it went to shit.

For over four months after the break-up, I couldn’t even masturbate. I was literally incapable of cumming, scared shitless that I would have a mental breakdown over the fact that there was no one to ask for permission and I was miserable. It took me a whole year to finally be in more control of my own body, to take back my orgasms so-to-speak. And orgasms I get from masturbation had literally never been better than the ones I get nowadays.

But one problem still remains, it’s next to impossible for me to cum with others. It’s extremely hard to cum by masturbation in front of my partners, I’ve all but given up on the hope to cum during sex ever again. I mean sure, with a vibrator it can happen. It had happened a couple of times with Oliver. I just think that my body is simply not capable of it anymore because I have such a strong mental block now.

But then, something magical happened last session with Oliver. It was after being tied up and spanked. I was on my all fours with an anal hook up my ass and tied to my neck and hair. He had made me gag many times throat fucking me. He had also pulled a thick textured rope through the anal hook before and it felt like a strong vibrator against the anal plug. It drove me absolutely crazy with lust. I’m sure it was all of that, and also we haven’t played in a while so my body missed him. He then played with me some more with my vibrator, pressing, not just keeping it on my clit but moving it back and forth from the anal hook in my butt across my wet pussy to my clit and back. And the fact that the anal hook was pulling my hair rendering me almost immobile and in an extremely uncomfortable position and it felt like I couldn’t escape the sensory overload. And I fucking loved it all.

Then he started to fuck my pussy, pushing the anal hook even deeper in me and placing the vibrator against my sensitive clitoris. I really don’t have enough words to explain how good it felt, I couldn’t get enough how good his cock felt in my pussy. And all of a sudden, without any warning, like a bomb went off in my netherparts, without anyone yelling ‘incoming’. I exploded. My vision blurred, I couldn’t feel the tension and discomfort on my hair or neck or shoulders, my ears were ringing. I must have screamed cos my throat felt raw afterward. I still can’t believe that I cummed. And not just once. Actually I’m not sure. It was like waves. Every time I thought I was coming down, a new wave of orgasm would just hit me. I didn’t count how many, I didn’t have the brain capacity to even remember my own name. Or it might have been just one giant orgasm that lasted a small eternity.

It was unexpected to say the least. Oliver had no idea what he did to me. I told him of course, but I don’t think he understood just how insane it was. I want to call it my first primal orgasm. I didn’t have to force it, I didn’t have to ask for permission for it, I didn’t even have to think of anything at all. I didn’t even try to cum. That’s why it sneaked up on me, there was no climb at all. It was a grenade I didn’t see coming. It was all sensations, unaltered and unburdened with rules or reason. It was what orgasms should be, the most natural thing in the world. It gave me so much hope that maybe some day, I would be rid of all my mental blocks and just be ‘normal’ with orgasms. At least now I know that my body is capable of it. And I can’t be more grateful.

Kinky Goals of 2019

I’m actually in this exact situation relationship-wise as I was in 2015 when I started this block. Well, okay, not exactly the same. I’m not just recently broken up from a long monogamous relationship, nor am I a newbie in a kink scene anymore. I know a great deal more now what I like and need and want from sex and relationships. In 2015 I searched for someone to introduce me to kink and quickly after the introduction I was determined to look for an owner. Well, I am not looking for an intro or an owner now. So what am I looking forward to achieving in 2019 in kink? Well, let’s find out! You know it, through a list! 😀 Don’t worry, it’s only 5 items. 😛

1. Exploring new kinks

In theory, I know what I like, but there are still a lot of things I haven’t tried yet, at least not in the fullest. For example, I would love to explore more variations of watersports and breath play (especially with water). Waterboarding and drowning are things I’m very interested in. And wrestling and struggling in the earnest, I guess me getting fitter and strong would also make that more interesting. Also, I’m weirdly interested in roleplaying. And speaking of roleplaying…