Emo Attic

Call Me By Your Name – “Is it better to speak or die?”

Before you start reading, start playing the instrumental versions of the songs made for the movie “Call Me By Your Name”. Put in on loop so it will accompany you throughout this post. ūüôā

Yesterday I wrote what must be my longest review ever about anything, and I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the themes and layers that this movie/book has to offer. Yesterday was all about the ‘why’ this movie became so many people’s favorite, well, almost all about it, I couldn’t quite stop myself from getting emotional. Today I want to dig deeper and explore why this became my favorite. As I’m writing this, fireworks had already started sounding all over town even though there’re still six hours left until midnight. To write this in the very last hours of this emotionally turbulent year of 2017… really, what could be more fitting than that.

I have to issue a spoiler warning as I’m going to analyze quite many scenes and reflect them with my own life. I’ll try to write this more coherently than I did yesterday. I’ll be quoting from the book only, most of them have their equivalents in the movie too.

Sex and sexuality

I have to admit, I resent just a little bit that some describe “Call Me By Your Name” as a story about gay men. It’s actually a story of two bisexual men, more accurately just a love story between two people but if you really have to give them a sexual orientation then it’s bi. I’m bisexual myself, and it’s sad to realize how used to it I am to have bisexualism be monstrously under-represented or misrepresented in literature, in popular culture and especially in movies. It’s like the whole world have no idea what to do with us. Lines like “oh so you’re gay now” coming from a scorned wife who catches her husband cheating on her with another man. What is it that makes it so hard to understand that some people, people like me, can love a person regardless of their gender? As strongly as heterosexuals can’t imagine being with someone from the same sex, I had never been capable of understanding how could gender stop me from falling in love. Us bisexuals, we don’t switch back and forth from hetero to gay and back. We just are constantly both, but not really at the same time.

Then comes another thing I’ve been accused of many times, just because I am capable of loving both men and women, doesn’t mean I have to have both at any given time. If I am dating a man exclusively, I won’t go looking for another person’s company, men or women. Of course, when you add polyamory into the mix, which I am also, it sometimes gets confusing, even in my head. So I felt comforted while reading Elio’s story, hoping that he would somehow show the world what it is like to be bisexual and maybe polyamorous too. It’s as natural as it reads and shows in the book and the movie.

“He brought the half peach to be, making certain not to spill its contents as he too his clothes off.
‘I’m sick, aren’t I?’ I asked.
‘No, you’re not sick – I wish everyone were as sick as you. Want to see sick?'”

Ah, the infamous peach scene. It is erotic, and sensual, and resonates with me on the levels that probably didn’t with many in the audience. Or at least maybe not as strongly. Luckily, I’ve never had to struggle with shame when it comes to my bisexuality, but with almost everything else about my sexuality, about submissive tendencies, about my masochism and sadism. Part of why I keep writing this blog is because I want to let my readers, maybe just one in a hundred, know that they aren’t alone. On a conscious level, I know I have nothing to be ashamed of what I like, but in the back of my head, ‘I’m sick, aren’t I?’ is a constant echo. No matter how much reassurance you get, it only takes one rejection to push you back down the bottomless pit of self-loathing and shame. Because it’s not other people that are judging you, it’s you who is doing the judging. To learn to love yourself, faults and all, it’s really a life-long lessons, and you could only hope you find your own Oliver who not only thinks you’re perfect just the way you are, but better yet, an Oliver who one-up you and take a big bite out of your peach with all of its contents.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle mr perlman call me by your nameAll the sexual things in the movie and book, the feet worship, the obsession of the clothes that carry the scent, eating the semen-filled peach, I envy and pity those who find those things disgusting. Because that tells me that they have yet to experience the all-consuming kind of lust and passion that would eat them alive and make them do crazy things. A kind of passion in which nothing is out of the question. A kind of lust that makes your vision blurry, as blurry as the camera went when Elio and Oliver kissed in the movie. Pity because they have yet to experience something as powerful. Envy because they don’t have to experience the pain of loss either.

“They can never undo it, never unwrite it, never unlive it, or relive it – it’s just stuck there like a vision of fireflies on a summer field toward evening that keeps saying, ‘You could have had this instead’. But going back is false. Moving ahead is false. Looking the other way is false. Trying to redress all that is false turns out to be just as false.”

“Is it better to Speak or die?” –¬†To Love or Not to Love

“In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out, don’t be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything – what a waste!”

Kuvahaun tulos haulle call me by your name mr perlmanThe famous quote from Elio’s dad. To hear that all put into such beautiful words, I can’t explain how it made me feel.¬†Ressurance¬†might be the wrong word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind. I cried a lot during that scene in the movie. Because without me making a conscious choice, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing all my life. The last thing I want to do is go bankrupt, so I let myself feel everything. Because feeling nothing is my biggest fear. What Elio’s dad didn’t tell him is that it’s really an exhausting way of living. To feel so strongly and so much. But I’m not capable of living in any other way, I can’t stop myself from giving all of myself whenever I fall in love. It’s just the way I am. But would I change even if I could? Even amongst all the pain and the tears and heartbreaks, my answer is and will always be a breathless ‘I wouldn’t want it any other way’.

“‘I’m like you,’ he said. ‘I remember everything.’
I stopped for a second. If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you’re ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there’s not a thing left to say in this life, then, just this once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name.”

That was the last sentence of the book. To call it the story of first love is doing it a montrous injustice. It’s a story of all love.¬†The¬†love. I know for some it’s almost ridiculous to imagine that at 17 years old, someone would be capable of love like that. I myself weren’t nearly as wise as Elio when I was 17. And for me, the more I know myself, the more deeply I would fall in love. It’s like the more I know myself, the more of me becomes capable of loving someone. And I tend to love those more intently, those who had helped me discover bits and pieces of myself. And I feel like Oliver was that someone for Elio. Oliver helped Elio become who he is, and who he maybe wanted to be. If I’ve met my previous love when I was fifteen (that was when I first fell in love), it might’ve just came close to what Elio and Oliver had. I’ve never met my Oliver, not in one person. All of the love I’ve had in my life, all of them combined comes close. I’m terrified of finding my Oliver. But at the same time, I wouldn’t know how to stop searching.

So, yesterday and today’s posts combined is what “Call Me By Your Name” is to me. It will forever be my safety blanket. I will always want to fall in love with Oliver alongside Elio over and over again, and at the same time, fall in love with Elio too. And in those moments when I’m utterly tired of standing with one leg over the cliff, when I can feel I’m wavering in my existence, I will revisit Mr Perlman and let him reassure me. Can hardly end the year on a better note than that.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Emo Attic · Nerdy Basement

Call Me By Your Name – Review

Elio. Elio, Elio, Elio, Elio. *deep sigh*

This is it, guys. The love of my life. I’m one of those who can name dozens of my favorite movies but could never quite put them in any order. But number one is found, the definite, undoubtedly number one favorite movie of mine is here: “Call Me By Your Name“. And the best thing of all, it’s not just a movie, it is based on the book of the same name written by Andr√© Aciman. Most of the time, the book is always better than the movie adaptation, but in this case, the book and the movie complete each other so thoroughly, forever entangled in my mind into a simply powerful and by all means perfect emotion… that I, unfortunately, couldn’t for the life of me think of a word to describe it. It’s a mixture of unadulterated¬†passion, desire, heartbreak, bravery, sadness, envy, fear, expectations, fulfillment… all of that and so much more, thickly layered with a bittersweet longing that probably would never go away. Before I get too emotional, I’ve decided to write about this book/movie in two parts. Today, I will try my best to stay technical and talk about things that make this a great book and movie. Tomorrow I will discuss what it all means to me and the reasons why this particular book/movie became basically my bible for the rest of my life.¬†I will try to write this without major spoilers, tomorrow there will be spoilers and quotes and more in-depth discussions.

Continue reading “Call Me By Your Name – Review”

Emo Attic · Kinky Dungeon

The S Word

“I can no longer be your Dom.”

It didn’t exactly come out of the blue. I could feel him slipping away months ago. His grip on me getting more and more loose until I could barely feel it. I tried to justify it, I tried to explain it to be just work stress, he did tell me not to stress time and time again. But the connection was gone, and the absence of the special bond between a Dominant and submissive was made less detectable by the love and care and friendship we still have for each other. Being a submissive is still a very important part of me, so I was not doing well being in a D/s relationship that wasn’t D/s anymore. But we were both guilty for hiding our feelings. Whenever I asked him what was the matter, he would say it had nothing to do with me and that I shouldn’t stress about it. And whenever he asked me whether I was okay and just as many times I said yes even if I was anything but. We were both being selfish, we both were reluctant to hurt the other, albeit for different reasons.

It was in the beginning of our relationship when he already told me that he didn’t think we could get any more serious because He said that he seeemed to have lost that part in him. Of course I was devastated that we couldn’t be everything, but when I cried back then, it was for him and not for me. The thought of him being so determined of spending the rest of his life alone broke my heart, it still does. So I decided to be there for him, for as long as he wanted me, in whatever capacity and form He would let me. I was in love with him, still am in some ways, cos I still don’t believe you can be in love with someone without the other also being in love with you. But I have no doubt in my mind about how much I love and cherish him.

I should’ve known, although I was ready to be there for him, that he wouldn’t let me. The fact that he couldn’t give me everything he thought I needed and everything he thought I deserved, that fact started to eat at him more and more until he felt downright shitty after every time we were together. My adoration became hard to bare. So he started to pull away. And finally, over a month ago, he called it quits officially. But it was a long time coming, and my birthday present became our last ‘session’. It took him so long to say it because he didn’t want to lose me. Like I was ever going to go anywhere… Take away the D/s, he still remains one of the most important people in my life, and one of my favorites too. I’ve never had a best friend, cos all of my good friends bring out different sides in me. He is the only one who had seen every bit of me, not only did he not look away or judge me in any way, he embraced it and understood it. He has seen the good, the bad and the ugly, and he still loves me.

There is one thing that I couldn’t predict. For over a year, I was his submissive. My sexuality as a whole, all of it belonged to him like it never belonged to anyone else, not even to myself. So when I ceased to be his submissive, it felt like I ceased to be a submissive altogether. For one solid month sex didn’t even cross my mind, other than in the form of ‘why aren’t I horny’. And also, masturbation without the need to ask for permission endlessly saddens me. The thought of sexual pleasure terrifies me. I was afraid I would have a severe breakdown. So I decided to be in celibacy for three months, at least. I mean, one month has already past. The longest time I was without sex (including masturbation) after me being sexually active was two weeks, and that was when I broke up with my ex fiance of almost five years.

The funny thing is, after I’ve decided on the 3-month celibacy, I found myself in the mood for the first time a few days ago. I wouldn’t go as far as called in horniness or arousal, just a little itch. I’m not sure whether it’s because of my decision of being sexless, that’s why my mind was at ease and thus letting my body get away with urges. I’m not sure whether I’m mentally ready though, and I’m still terrified. As for the subbie part, it feels like a gaping hole in my stomach.

I know it’s going to take a long time for me to get over him as my Dom, him being just Atticus now and not Sir anymore. So it’s going to take a long while for me to even know what to do next. I hereby apologize to those who are here for kinky content, I have no idea when I would be capable to write anything about kink or D/s.

Other contents are still going to be available, like all the foodie and nerdie stuff like recipes and movie reviews. But there won’t be anything on Kinky Wednesday for a long while. Hopefully, next time you do spot a post on Wednesday, it would be me telling you that I’m back. I’m looking for that day too. Until then, stay kinky! :’)