Emo Attic · Kinky Dungeon

The S Word

“I can no longer be your Dom.”

It didn’t exactly come out of the blue. I could feel him slipping away months ago. His grip on me getting more and more loose until I could barely feel it. I tried to justify it, I tried to explain it to be just work stress, he did tell me not to stress time and time again. But the connection was gone, and the absence of the special bond between a Dominant and submissive was made less detectable by the love and care and friendship we still have for each other. Being a submissive is still a very important part of me, so I was not doing well being in a D/s relationship that wasn’t D/s anymore. But we were both guilty for hiding our feelings. Whenever I asked him what was the matter, he would say it had nothing to do with me and that I shouldn’t stress about it. And whenever he asked me whether I was okay and just as many times I said yes even if I was anything but. We were both being selfish, we both were reluctant to hurt the other, albeit for different reasons.

It was in the beginning of our relationship when he already told me that he didn’t think we could get any more serious because He said that he seeemed to have lost that part in him. Of course I was devastated that we couldn’t be everything, but when I cried back then, it was for him and not for me. The thought of him being so determined of spending the rest of his life alone broke my heart, it still does. So I decided to be there for him, for as long as he wanted me, in whatever capacity and form He would let me. I was in love with him, still am in some ways, cos I still don’t believe you can be in love with someone without the other also being in love with you. But I have no doubt in my mind about how much I love and cherish him.

I should’ve known, although I was ready to be there for him, that he wouldn’t let me. The fact that he couldn’t give me everything he thought I needed and everything he thought I deserved, that fact started to eat at him more and more until he felt downright shitty after every time we were together. My adoration became hard to bare. So he started to pull away. And finally, over a month ago, he called it quits officially. But it was a long time coming, and my birthday present became our last ‘session’. It took him so long to say it because he didn’t want to lose me. Like I was ever going to go anywhere… Take away the D/s, he still remains one of the most important people in my life, and one of my favorites too. I’ve never had a best friend, cos all of my good friends bring out different sides in me. He is the only one who had seen every bit of me, not only did he not look away or judge me in any way, he embraced it and understood it. He has seen the good, the bad and the ugly, and he still loves me.

There is one thing that I couldn’t predict. For over a year, I was his submissive. My sexuality as a whole, all of it belonged to him like it never belonged to anyone else, not even to myself. So when I ceased to be his submissive, it felt like I ceased to be a submissive altogether. For one solid month sex didn’t even cross my mind, other than in the form of ‘why aren’t I horny’. And also, masturbation without the need to ask for permission endlessly saddens me. The thought of sexual pleasure terrifies me. I was afraid I would have a severe breakdown. So I decided to be in celibacy for three months, at least. I mean, one month has already past. The longest time I was without sex (including masturbation) after me being sexually active was two weeks, and that was when I broke up with my ex fiance of almost five years.

The funny thing is, after I’ve decided on the 3-month celibacy, I found myself in the mood for the first time a few days ago. I wouldn’t go as far as called in horniness or arousal, just a little itch. I’m not sure whether it’s because of my decision of being sexless, that’s why my mind was at ease and thus letting my body get away with urges. I’m not sure whether I’m mentally ready though, and I’m still terrified. As for the subbie part, it feels like a gaping hole in my stomach.

I know it’s going to take a long time for me to get over him as my Dom, him being just Atticus now and not Sir anymore. So it’s going to take a long while for me to even know what to do next. I hereby apologize to those who are here for kinky content, I have no idea when I would be capable to write anything about kink or D/s.

Other contents are still going to be available, like all the foodie and nerdie stuff like recipes and movie reviews. But there won’t be anything on Kinky Wednesday for a long while. Hopefully, next time you do spot a post on Wednesday, it would be me telling you that I’m back. I’m looking for that day too. Until then, stay kinky! :’)

Emo Attic · Kinky Dungeon · Survival Guide

Submission on a Break – How to Survive the Down Time

Kuvahaun tulos haulle lazy catI’ve written about sub drops before. It’s this depression-like state that’s basically an endorphin crash that might occur after a particularly rough session. If you are interested in that topic, I’ve actually written a little survival guide about sub drops, you can read it here. But today I’m here to talk about the down time, when submission is on a break, at least the physical kind. An observant reader of this blog might have noticed that there had been less writings on kinky Wednesdays lately. Of course, I’ve been busy with restaurant work and such to have any mood to write anything, but it has been going on longer than that. I believe these so-called down time are not unusual with 24/7 D/s relationships. Reasons can be many, in my case it’s Sir Atticus having job related things on His mind or otherwise just not in the mood. One of the challenges of a D/s relationship is that one has to be in a certain headspace to commit, especially the one in the dominating role. A distracted Dominant is just bad news. I guess it’s equally possible for submissives to have off periods when submission doesn’t come naturally, work stress being one of them. Personally I have such a special relationship with submission that I can’t really see myself ever not be in the mood mentally. Physically sure, when I’m having a migraine or a high fever. I’m not the kind to stress about work, I might dread it but not stress about it that much. And when it comes to stress releasing, nothing quite beats a good spanking. ūüėõ In other words, for me submission is a cure for almost anything.

So, what are the symptoms of the down time? I would get restless, irritated at Aiheeseen liittyv√§ kuvaeverything and everyone, lazy, bratty, mood-swingy, self-conscious, self-doubting, paranoid… just overall a shittier version of my usual self. I strongly dislike myself when I get like that, like today was such a day that those symptoms bugged the hell out of me. I decided to build a system to fight those negative symptoms because I’m all for constant self-development. ūüėõ And I hope it would be helpful for my fellow subbies too, and why not my other readers who get those same ‘symptoms’ from entirely different reasons. ¬†The big theme here is distraction. Here’s my top 10 how to survive down time:

Continue reading “Submission on a Break – How to Survive the Down Time”

Emo Attic

For Grandpa

Let me tell you a little story about my grandpa. You know how some girls would admire their dads and would hope to find a man like their dad to marry. For me, that role model is my grandpa. It will be very hard to find another man who loves his wife as much as my grandpa loves my grandma. Many years ago, grandma got a stroke and lost her ability to read or speak properly. Grandpa would tirelessly¬†and with utter patient guess what my grandma tried to say, sometimes for tens of minutes for just one single word. Grandma would lose her temper and get frustrated, but grandpa never lost the smile on his face. I guess he was just really happy that he didn’t lose her. They got to spend their diamond wedding anniversary together after being 60 years married. They celebrated grandpa’s 90th birthday couple of years ago. I could only wish that I can find the love that they have, even one tenth of it would be enough for me.

Few years ago, my grandpa got a stroke. He is pretty much bedridden after that, and only had the energy to sit up in his wheelchair few hours a day to eat. When I was visiting my grandparents last time, it was so hard for me to see an once strong man being confined in his room. I could tell he was frustrated. And I could see that old age had finally got to him. It broke my heart to see grandma spending most of her day sitting in his room, the love of her life. I could only hope that he knows that she’s with him, the love of his life.

Today I just got a call from my mom and she told me that grandpa¬†is in the hospital and that this trip might well be his last. I’m sad but at the same time relieved. For my mom, or for my uncle who’s the one taking care of grandpa these last few years. I’m sure it’s not easy for them either to see their own father, their hero suffering. I’m most worried about my grandma. I hope she can find the strength to carry on and I hope she knows that her children, her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren, we all love her so much.

I’m sorry to write¬†about such a heavy subject on Friday. I’m very bad at dealing with death, I always try to find something positive about it because the alternative would simply crush me if I let it. On that note, I chose a song that I’m sure my grandpa would approve¬†because I guess the optimistic and resilient parts in me came from him. Love you, grandpa,¬†I know we’ll meet again.