Cat In a Party

A couple of week’s ago at a monthly kinky, I did something quite special – I went in the role of a cat. On a collar and leash. With a cat sitter (Oliver). If you are new to my blog, that might not sound that special, albeit pretty kinky. But if you have been a long time reader, all of that might raise your eyebrow. I am not that big on pet play. But to my exDom, I was his kitten and I always felt safe in that role. After the break-up, the kitten in me died. I knew for a fact that I couldn’t ever be a kitten for anyone else. I never really quite mourned her passing, I had other things to worry about (or run away from). But since last year I truly started to go through the break-up like a grown-up, I started to miss my feline role. I was still sure that I can’t regain my kitten role ever again, but a thought pop into my mind – what if the kitten has grown up into a cat? A bratty cat that scratches and bites but also likes scratches and likes to be in the lap. The idea grew and grew and I decided that I wanted to do it. And as someone who tends to go a little extreme from time to time, I decided to go all the way.

I decided that I want to do it in public. Since I don’t panic when I am surrounded by lots of people. There was a very slight possibility that I would get bad flashbacks about my time as a kitten with my exDom, and in parties, I would less likely get panic attacks. Second, in addition to having a buttplug fluffy tail and cat-eye make-up, I was gonna go into the role more seriously and not talk at all. Which is very unlike me, cos I talk constantly. Third, I was going to be in a thick leather collar and a leash. I almost never wear collars even during play, cos collars use to be a big fucking deal for me. But just as my inner kitten, my exDom managed to ruin collars for me too. Ruin them in the sense that I probably can never take them seriously ever again. So I decided to be a good cat, and wear a collar and a leash. I recruited Oliver to be my cat sitter.

And here’s what I discovered: I really really love being in the role of a cat. I have my subspace when submitting, the sadist state when I’m hurting others, the top space and the masochist state. What I didn’t expect was to have a unique state of mind as a feline. I felt confident yet vulnerable at the same time, playful and bratty. Most surprising thing was I had a much easier time to just beg for intimacy from people I know. I loved getting scratches and pets and strokes on my hair. I love getting hugs and being held and lounged on people’s laps or rest my head on their thighs. Aka things that I probably wouldn’t know how to ask for when I’m being myself.

The not talking part was a hit and miss, I love chatting with people but also, I didn’t have to pay attention to anyone I didn’t want to. I am easily distracted and as a cat, I could be as distracted as I wanted to be and that was definitely a plus. I just need to find a nice balance here somehow.

I did love the collar and leash too, but it did something weird to me. For a few times, Oliver led me to the sofa at the party and there were people I didn’t know. And he would go get something like water. Usually I have no problem being by myself anywhere, but for some reason (maybe because of the role and the collar), I felt very vulnerable being by myself. Not unlike a pet being left alone by its hooman, even for a little bit of time. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I felt unsafe, cos logically I was very safe at the party. But I did feel something that was very much like being scared. I became incredibly restless, and I think at both times, I took my leash between my teeth and ran away. After all, I wasn’t a dog who would stay in place just cos I was told to. A cat shouldn’t obey, right? 😛

So there were two pretty brutal spankings by the sadistic cat sitter, and I also found out that not getting to curse out loud was definitely a minus. XD It might also hurt the feelings of the said sadist, cos even though the spankings were brutally lovely, my favorite activity was actually getting choked by him pulling on the collar hard. I asked him to do it so hard that I would pass out, and he obliged. It was after the second spanking and I was still standing and slightly leaning against a spanking net made with thick ropes. I never remember the second when the lights go out, I would just casually regard that I’m losing the grip of my hand on the ropes. This time I actually dreamed of something. And slowly, I regained consciousness and it was like someone turning the volume of the world back on gradually. That feeling is really hard to describe but I adore it so much. It felt like literally minutes for me but according to Oliver, it was maybe like 5 seconds. He let go of the collar right when my grip on the ropes went limp. And just for that purpose only, I would love to wear the collar more often.

All in all, I would love to be a cat more often at parties. But I do wonder whether I would get into that same mindset without the collar, or without the leash, and without a cat sitter. And also I should definitely not do the not-talking thing. XD One time is enough I think. Especially when everything I tried to emote to Oliver, his first guess would always be ‘you want cock?’. XD Sadistic perv. All jokes aside, I am very grateful to him that he would indulge me this one party to somehow regain my feline side and also explore new possibilities. I might have lost many things during my journey, but I’m confident I will find new wonderful things in the future. Until the, stay kinky! 😉

Favorite Kinky Experiences 2019

Happy New Decade! 😀

This is going to be a short one, I’m just going to list ten of my favorite kinky experiences I had in the year 2019. It’s going to be pretty Oliver heavy since I met him in February and he is my primary kinky play partner this year. Let’s get on with it!

1. Revisiting double penetration – read more here.

2. Shibari – read more here, here and here. There is one more experience to add here that I didn’t have a chance to write yet and it was being tied up by someone else than Oliver and it was a semi-suspension. 😀 I promise I would write about the experience soon.

3. Casa Oliver aka my first time at Oliver’s place – read more here.

4. Water Bondage – read more here.

5. The Kidnapping – read more here.

6. The Threesome – read more here.

7. Vampire Gloves – read more here.

8. Revelations at parties – read more here. It was at Oliver’s second kinky house party that kinda triggered to do some much-needed self-reflection that led to some pretty intense epiphanies. It was all roses but it was necessary.

9. Spanking at the club. I don’t think I’ve written about this but it was one of the most intense and sadistic experiences I’ve ever had since I started BDSM. I have no idea what it was, but it was just spanking and vampire gloving by Oliver at the club, I think it was the first time that I was fully nude. He tied me up and the pain enveloped me from all over. Oliver’s sadist was fully out and he was glorious. But I guess the being in public aspect, also it was after the beginning of my struggles with not submitting mentally to him, and that we both kinda ignored proper aftercare, we both dropped after that public session. But it was because of it that I went ahead and created the ‘aftercare protocol’ below. The drop wasn’t fun but I don’t want the session to be tainted by what we both neglected to do. I want to remember it as one of my favorite sessions ever. It somehow made me more shameless.

10. Aftercare protocol – read more here.

Confessions of a Sadist, part 3

It has been 1.5 years since I wrote the previous part about my sadism. And oh the number of people I’ve spanked at that time. 😀 I’ve sprinkled those stories here and there so you have to explore a bit if you want to read them. I might have to make a site map at some point. But here today, I want to talk about one specific sadistic experience I had recently.

I met this young guy at a kinky newcomers’ evening, he was extremely shy and didn’t talk much. We got to chatting a bit and I came to find out that he thinks he is submissive. He does want me to deal out some pain via spanking. We went to grab a coffee and I found out more just how shy he is. More than shy, he has severe social anxiety and he has a hard time to look me in the eyes and sometimes it takes quite a long time for him to reply. But we did agree on a session.

I had no idea what is going to happen on the session day. Since he has no experience whatsoever, I wasn’t sure what I even get to do. He requested pain, but he seems to have this slightly twisted idea of why a woman would want to hurt him. I made it clear to him that my desire to hurt people does not come from a place of hatred or anger. I really care about the people I play with. If I don’t like someone, and thus couldn’t care less about their well-being, I don’t find it enjoyable at all to hurt. I need to care about them first. I think he somehow had a hard time understanding my meaning, but I also think that he finally got it after the spanking.

Back to the session. It was intense. There is no other way to describe it. I had him tied from his wrists to my ceiling hook, stripped naked. But for some weirdest reason, that was the point he decided to stop obeying. Since my apartment is not that big, I sometimes have to turn the people hanging on my hook to get a better angle for myself to spank. But he wouldn’t budge. It was quickly becoming apparent that this was turning into a punishment. And didn’t that thought got my sadistic blood pumping.

It was a struggle. For him, not me. He wasn’t bratty, what he did was more than being bratty. It was flat out disobedience. And no matter how much pain I dealt on him, he wouldn’t obey. I had never got such a rush, nothing gets my sadist out than a disobeying sub. When he wouldn’t turn his back to me, I would switch to a whip made from a thin cable to get to his back no matter which way he faces. I covered his eyes so he wouldn’t see where I am and where the whip is coming from. I was going to start nice and slow, but that plan went out of the window pretty fast. I noticed his voice changing. He talks in this quiet shy voice, like he is afraid to speak with this real voice. But what I got out of him through pain was a loud and strong voice. He would roar at me, yell profanities, his whole body would shake from the adrenalin coursing through him from the extreme pain. I started to feel that he wanted me to get angry. He clearly had no idea how sadism work. Well, at least my sadism.

Cos not once did I lose my temper. I wasn’t even tempted. I’m not sure if he was aware, that every time he disobeys me, he is giving me a pure rush of sadism. There is always a certain amount of guilt when I inflict pain for others whenever it’s not a punishment. Like eating a donut. I love donuts, I know I’ve been good and eating well so I can ‘afford’ a donut but still, I would feel guilty. Punishments are like guilt-free donuts. He is giving me guilt-free donuts. The funny thing is, I saw it in his eyes many times during the session, he wanted to obey. Especially the direct commands. There is a submissive inside of him. But for some reason, he was steadfast of not submitting. He wanted me to force him, literally by force, to submit. But that’s not really my style. And I don’t think that’s even how submission works, at least not for me. Me fighting against submission when I want to, well I’m not sure that’s even possible. I would safeword out.

Anyways, I stopped at the point when his whole backside and half of his frontside were covered in bruises. Heavy heavy bruises. The kind that if I spank any more, his skin would break. His limit wasn’t skin breakage but he tapped out when I started to squeeze his buttcheeks that were swollen and bruised up. The squeezing is something that would break me easily, so I completely understand how he couldn’t stand it almost at all.

Afterward, I had a long chat with him. I confessed to him that I wasn’t sure if I like the disobedient attitude he seemed to be forcing on himself. However fun it was to punish him. I let him know that I cared about his well-being a lot, and I think he believed it then, by how many times I checked whether his hands were getting cold or numb. Or how I stopped his arms from coming down too quickly from the bindings cos I know how much it hurts when the blood rushes back to your limbs. I think he didn’t expect me to care, he was actually touched by it.

After the session, I made sure to check on him for a few days and about a week after. I was left with a positive feeling about it. I guess I surprised at myself, this session was as close as I had ever got to be the dominant one. I was surprised how natural it felt, or how much I like be in charge. I wasn’t aroused though, it was something else entirely. I was attracted to him a little bit but when I was in that top space, I wasn’t really thinking about sex at all. This is still all very new to me. And I’m not sure whether I would get to experience it again. I would have to think about that and I shall let you know. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Confessions of a Spanko, part 15 – Bastinado

“Bastinado aka foot whipping is a method of corporal punishment which consists of hitting the soles of a person’s bare feet. Unlike most types of flogging, this punishment was meant to be more painful than it was to cause actual injury to the victim. Blows were generally delivered with a light rod, knotted cord, or lash.”

I’ve always been aware of bastinado but surprisingly, I’ve had very little experiences of it overall. I guess I just haven’t happened to play with people who had any interest in it. Or in anything to do with feet in general and I’m more than fine by that. I guess it’s almost cliche foot fetish is, but I kinda have the opposite reaction to it. I am extremely ticklish all over, but especially on my feet. One of my ex-Dom used to just hold my ankle and threaten to lick my toes and I would be freaking out, hyperventilating from laughter and he hadn’t even touched them. In short, I don’t like my feet being touched.

I’m not sure how the first time happened with Oliver. I mean, bastinado was never even on my soft limit list. It hurts a lot and I’m deadly scared of it, but just like pussy whipping, I can take it albeit not that gracefully. But it seemed to have become a thing after Oliver discovered how much I panic and struggle whenever he decides to grab my ankle, hold it in place firmly and whip the soles of my feet hard. And then when I decided to do this no shopping for a year thing and recruited him to keep me in check, I chose bastinado as the form of punishment whenever I buy crap, one hit per one euro. And this week’s session, I had somehow managed to rack up 101 hits…

The Threesome

I wanted to throw the fuck up, I was so anxious. There was a party on Friday and Oliver told me on Tuesday that maybe we could have a threesome at the party with Iris, me and him. I knew he said maybe but my anxiety was slowly building up until I was ready to throw up any minute on Friday. Luckily, I got three hours of distraction after work cos I went to see Tarantino’s newest before the party (read my review at my new blog #shamelessplug). When I arrived, I still had to change into some party clothes and put on my eye make-up, and they haven’t arrived yet so I had time to freak out all by myself in the changing room. As soon as I stepped out of the changing room, both of Iris and Oliver were standing near the entrance, and I focused on her almost entirely. I went to give Oliver a hug first cos, to be honest, I was scared shitless. Not scared of her, but more of myself and how I behave around her. Let’s just be real, I have no control over myself when I’m having a crush. Although the chaotic crush I have on her had a little time to calm down, it was still pretty chaotic.

Iris and I decided Oliver needed some party makeup too, so we went to put some serious eye makeup on him. We went for Captain Hook’s look on ‘Once Upon a Time’ TV show, and what can I say, I have a weakness towards men with eye makeup. Oliver had never looked sexier to me. But still, she occupied my attention way more.