Parties and The Thrill of it All

I have issues. More than a few and some more prominent than others. I’ve mentioned before that I have problems with receiving and asking for affection, I am also very scared to submit again due to some serious abandonment issues and problems of letting go and just feel. I miss D/s like I miss oxygen underwater. I would like to reclaim my submissive self, I would like to be sure and confident again in that role and not be so goddamn… scared. But I actually have no idea how to do it. Oliver has been my little window of oxygen, with him it is easy for me to let go because he keeps things light and his sadist side lets me go into subspace through pain and occasionally fear. But it’s also his style of keeping things light that I hardly ever could get into subspace through mental submission. I need humiliation and mindfuckery. But most of all, I think I am the one who is stopping myself from submitting to anyone mentally. Because that is the ultimate surrender. I was so thrilled to discover my primal side because it satisfies a part of me that lets me be in control mentally all the time. But I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that I can’t be without D/s, nor primal. I need both.

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. So it was Oliver’s second kinky house party last week and somehow it got even wilder than the first. At least from my own point of view. You see, I hardly ever play at the BDSM club and other ‘public’ kinky parties. I mostly assume the role of a sadist and I spank people. Occasionally I let others spank me but I always stop it way before my breaking point. I’m always fully in control. But somehow, at Oliver’s party, at his home, I felt safe. And maybe too safe. Cos I was way more reckless than usual. I played with people way more than I ever even planned to. The sadist with the vampire gloves Mr R was among the guests and I got to play with the gloves yet again. Because all of my clothing is very unsuitable with the gloves (mesh and such), I had to strip naked. I am never fully naked unless I’m at private sessions. I mean I don’t necessarily mind it all that much but it does make me feel vulnerable.

But the gloves weren’t the trigger, cos I didn’t break. During the evening, I was tied up, bit, flogged etc but then suddenly R was spanking me. I was slightly aware that Oliver gave him the okay as R continued straight from Oliver’s spanking, and I think that was the point that started to mess with my head. ‘Giving a sub away’ is an extremely dominant act, it both surprised me and turned me on. I don’t think Oliver was aware of his action making me feel more submissive than most things because it had the humiliation aspect too. Of course, I was fully aware that I could have stopped R if I wanted to, but I’ve received spankings from R before and he is very good at it. I did not anticipate how I would feel other than enjoying a good spanking.

R was not gentle. He knew exactly how much I can take and he went for it. It didn’t take long at all when I started to sob, and then an unfamiliar feeling took hold of me, a feeling I’ve only dread in my head – I panicked. Not the type that came with the vampire gloves, not the fight or flight type. This was something deeper in my head. I started to panic because I was breaking, and it wasn’t just because of the pain. I was losing the battle in preventing myself from mentally submitting and I panicked. Because of all of the issues I mentioned above. I trust R fully, I respect him as a sadist and a dominant very much and I know he would never do anything to hurt me that I didn’t consent to. But he doesn’t know all of my issues, he doesn’t know what it takes me to let someone close enough to help me come back from subspace. And the only reason I didn’t have a full-on panic attack right there and then is because I know Oliver was there. And I kinda relied on him giving all of the aftercare that I would need afterward. And that’s really not fair to Oliver or Mr R, that I kept all of that storm raging inside.

In my defense, it took me days to figure out why I panicked. And the more intense the session/submission, the longer it would take me to untangle my thoughts and I’m still kinda waiting for that sub-drop to hit me, now four days later. But it hadn’t yet. Or I’m not sure, I’ve been keeping myself busy. But I am aware that I need to discuss this with Oliver. And also address this problem with myself. I wish I can submit as easily as I did at the beginning of my journey, how fearless I was. And I refuse to have that fearlessness taken away from me. I am going to get it back. I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to submit to anyone I choose to. I’ve always viewed submission as the ultimate control. Only when you have full control of yourself is when you can give up that control to someone else. Have I actually lost control while I fight so hard to keep it?

The Threesome

I wanted to throw the fuck up, I was so anxious. There was a party on Friday and Oliver told me on Tuesday that maybe we could have a threesome at the party with Iris, me and him. I knew he said maybe but my anxiety was slowly building up until I was ready to throw up any minute on Friday. Luckily, I got three hours of distraction after work cos I went to see Tarantino’s newest before the party (read my review at my new blog #shamelessplug). When I arrived, I still had to change into some party clothes and put on my eye make-up, and they haven’t arrived yet so I had time to freak out all by myself in the changing room. As soon as I stepped out of the changing room, both of Iris and Oliver were standing near the entrance, and I focused on her almost entirely. I went to give Oliver a hug first cos, to be honest, I was scared shitless. Not scared of her, but more of myself and how I behave around her. Let’s just be real, I have no control over myself when I’m having a crush. Although the chaotic crush I have on her had a little time to calm down, it was still pretty chaotic.

Iris and I decided Oliver needed some party makeup too, so we went to put some serious eye makeup on him. We went for Captain Hook’s look on ‘Once Upon a Time’ TV show, and what can I say, I have a weakness towards men with eye makeup. Oliver had never looked sexier to me. But still, she occupied my attention way more.

Courtship Chronicles, part 5 – Topping and Other Fun Stuff

I am a little disoriented. Who knew dating a lot can be…well, busy I guess. So, here’s some update, namely to update you guys but mostly just to clear my own head too. So, let’s go in chronological order.

Michael

This is the first time I’ve used the name Michael, but he is the guy who I briefly mentioned in my catfish story. He was the switch who saved my weekend by adding some struggle play fun. He is super tall, former competing swimmer, that’s why I gave him the name Michael after Phelps. I also think he looks a bit like a really tall version of the young RDJ. 😀 I didn’t talk about him more before because we didn’t actually text that much after the play date and I thought he wasn’t that interested. And I couldn’t decide whether I actually like him or not. My body definitely likes the play, it was reacting accordingly. But he is one of the kinkiest people I’ve ever met, and I’ve met quite many. His stories even manage to shock me, in a good way. And recently he had been more actively contacting me, so maybe I can make a nice play partner out of him. 🙂 We shall see.

Aidan

The man I’ve dedicated a whole post to. Almost right after I wrote it, we had a huge fight over texts. He had some really close-minded opinions about everything BDSM related. Maybe that was why we talked so little about sex and kink, cos he wasn’t that interested to know anything, he already formed his opinions. The hugest reaction I got was his prejudices towards submissive men, he thinks they are weak in nature, betas. I had never been more furious about an insult that wasn’t even directed at me personally. He later apologized through a phone call, and I actually gave him a second chance. I wanted to believe that he wanted to be more open-minded and since we connected on other things, I wanted to be patient and help him see the world in a different light. I guess I’m either over-estimating my own patience or his desire to ever change his views. Cos not even one week later, he couldn’t hide his true nature anymore behind the mask of ‘I-want-to-be-more-open-minded’ and again he verbally attacked my ‘lifestyle’. I decided that I really don’t have the patience to wait for him to change his views. I seriously started doubting that he is capable of changing at all. I really don’t see us ever making it, leaving in different countries and him needing babying every couple of days. I like younger men for their energy and vitality, not because I like to deal with grown men who act like five-year-olds. It was a lovely experience to connect in the beginning, I don’t regret that. It was nice to know that I am capable of such connections still. Hopefully next time with someone more worthy.

Oliver

Ah, the adorable Oliver. He is a switch who I think I’ve met earlier in some events but I couldn’t remember him. Last kinky party though, he came to introduce himself to me. Within one minute of our conversation, he was delightfully telling me how a few days earlier he was being fucked by a strap-on the first time. All casual, just like that. And that was when I really focused on his face the first time. I mean, no better way to catch a girl’s attention like a man who can take it up his ass. XD Then I realized that he was actually really cute. He was also tall as fuck. Can’t help it, I like them tall and fit/slim. He was also quite funny. He thanked me via messages afterward for introducing him around to people in the party, and I asked him for a coffee. We were chatting about me possibly topping him, and before our actual first session, I had all the intentions and purposes to top him. He came to the session 12 minutes late, so we started with a little punishment. I mean, it was fun spanking him, I’m not denying that, but I wasn’t really feeling it, the topping I mean. So since he was a switch, I let him take over. And I was actually pleasantly surprised that he had the quite domly dom inside of him. But he did keep making me laugh all the time though. I’ve never laughed so hard or as much in any session before. I really like this fun-filled kind of sessions. I think we are going to have some fun with the cute af Oliver. 😛

Eddie

I matched with Eddie a while ago on Tinder but didn’t chat that much in there. Until we matched again on OKCupid, and I got to read his more thorough profile. It’s from there I realized that he was submissive. I started chatting with him and pretty quickly I realized that not only is he a sub, he is also a cuckold. I mean I’ve entertained the idea of cuckoldry before but I’ve never put any serious thought into it. I mean, I still can’t wrap my head around it. But we did go on a quick bar date. I think he looks like a nerdier version of Tom Hardy, thus the name Eddie (Tom Hardy’s character from Venom). I really like him a lot. And before we even set up the next date, on the same night as the date, he gave me control over his orgasms. And it had been some hardcore teasing for a couple of days before we met again today. I really had no idea why me having control over his pleasure would turn me on so much. I seriously need to think about this more before I can write a more thorough post about the whole cuckold business. But I think Eddie would be lots of fun and I’m looking forward to it.

***

There, that’s not that many. 😀 I did have a date with one switch whom I really like, and I think it would be fun to have him top me cos he has some sadism in him and your gal enjoys pain from time to time. And this Sunday, I’m also going to have a date with a new guy, we shall see how that goes. There is one more I’ve been chatting up, another male sub, but haven’t really found the time to meet him in person yet. Okay, fine, I guess there are quite many. 😀 But hey, none of them are that regular yet, so I’m still waiting like summer when I hope I would have a really balanced and steady sex life. I know I would be a better person when I get good sex regularly. I shall write about cuckoldry when I explore it more myself. Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Is That A Thing? – Watersports, part 2

If you are interested, here’s part 1 from over three years ago when I was still with Sir Sade, my second Dom. After him, with Atticus (my 3rd and last Dom), watersports was less prominently part of our kink. I feel like Atticus did enjoy watersports (urine, saliva, semen) but they weren’t exactly his fetishes. It’s funny to read the part 1 now, of how a hard limit of mine can turn into one of my fetishes. I think my attitude towards the whole thing had changed so much in the last three years too. Before I considered it incredibly erotic because of the whole ownership aspect, and because it felt to kinky doing it, it made me submission feel deeper. But now I felt completely different about it. Let me explain.

Subliminal Submission

In a previous post about submission, I mentioned briefly about subliminal submission. I want to dive deeper into the topic today. Elio always tells people that he is dominant in a subliminal way and I remember the first time I heard it, I thought it was odd. I mean, I didn’t quite understand what it meant. Until I got sick from eating a pizza. 😀 Let me explain.

I’m a foodie, but I have a passionate and undying love for fast food. I know they are bad for me but I still eat them from time to time cos self-control I have none. 😛 Especially delivery pizza, I love love love them. Well, Elio is also a foodie but he doesn’t have the fat gene like I do, is naturally slim and he kinda has to eat healthily or he would get sick. So we sometimes have very intense discussions about nutrition and food and eating healthy and being healthy and for fuck’s sake he is good at appealing to my logical thinking side of my brain. Slowly and surely I guess he really got under my skin with all that healthy eating talk, and since under my skin there is an eager as fuck submissive residing who is more than ready to submit to Elio the health nut with a six-pack. -.- So before I realized what the little subbie in me was planning for my downfall, I ordered pizzas (yes, two of them, stop judging me) on a Sunday cos I’ve been sick that weekend (*cough cough*). When I got the pizzas, I started to hear this tiny little accented Elio voice in my head saying things like “You know those are bad for you” and “You just might get more sick if you eat those”. I kinda just snort-laughed at the voice and defiantly chomped down on the delicious pizza. After a few slices though, I got physically sick, the pizzas made my tummy feel terrible and I lost appetite for them altogether. I was… bewildered. I had no idea what was happening but I knew I didn’t like it. I started to think about the whole subliminal thing and the more I thought about it, the more apparent it became, I am submissive in subliminal ways.