Emo Attic · Kinky Dungeon

Parties and The Thrill of it All

I have issues. More than a few and some more prominent than others. I’ve mentioned before that I have problems with receiving and asking for affection, I am also very scared to submit again due to some serious abandonment issues and problems of letting go and just feel. I miss D/s like I miss oxygen underwater. I would like to reclaim my submissive self, I would like to be sure and confident again in that role and not be so goddamn… scared. But I actually have no idea how to do it. Oliver has been my little window of oxygen, with him it is easy for me to let go because he keeps things light and his sadist side lets me go into subspace through pain and occasionally fear. But it’s also his style of keeping things light that I hardly ever could get into subspace through mental submission. I need humiliation and mindfuckery. But most of all, I think I am the one who is stopping myself from submitting to anyone mentally. Because that is the ultimate surrender. I was so thrilled to discover my primal side because it satisfies a part of me that lets me be in control mentally all the time. But I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that I can’t be without D/s, nor primal. I need both.

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. So it was Oliver’s second kinky house party last week and somehow it got even wilder than the first. At least from my own point of view. You see, I hardly ever play at the BDSM club and other ‘public’ kinky parties. I mostly assume the role of a sadist and I spank people. Occasionally I let others spank me but I always stop it way before my breaking point. I’m always fully in control. But somehow, at Oliver’s party, at his home, I felt safe. And maybe too safe. Cos I was way more reckless than usual. I played with people way more than I ever even planned to. The sadist with the vampire gloves Mr R was among the guests and I got to play with the gloves yet again. Because all of my clothing is very unsuitable with the gloves (mesh and such), I had to strip naked. I am never fully naked unless I’m at private sessions. I mean I don’t necessarily mind it all that much but it does make me feel vulnerable.

But the gloves weren’t the trigger, cos I didn’t break. During the evening, I was tied up, bit, flogged etc but then suddenly R was spanking me. I was slightly aware that Oliver gave him the okay as R continued straight from Oliver’s spanking, and I think that was the point that started to mess with my head. ‘Giving a sub away’ is an extremely dominant act, it both surprised me and turned me on. I don’t think Oliver was aware of his action making me feel more submissive than most things because it had the humiliation aspect too. Of course, I was fully aware that I could have stopped R if I wanted to, but I’ve received spankings from R before and he is very good at it. I did not anticipate how I would feel other than enjoying a good spanking.

R was not gentle. He knew exactly how much I can take and he went for it. It didn’t take long at all when I started to sob, and then an unfamiliar feeling took hold of me, a feeling I’ve only dread in my head – I panicked. Not the type that came with the vampire gloves, not the fight or flight type. This was something deeper in my head. I started to panic because I was breaking, and it wasn’t just because of the pain. I was losing the battle in preventing myself from mentally submitting and I panicked. Because of all of the issues I mentioned above. I trust R fully, I respect him as a sadist and a dominant very much and I know he would never do anything to hurt me that I didn’t consent to. But he doesn’t know all of my issues, he doesn’t know what it takes me to let someone close enough to help me come back from subspace. And the only reason I didn’t have a full-on panic attack right there and then is because I know Oliver was there. And I kinda relied on him giving all of the aftercare that I would need afterward. And that’s really not fair to Oliver or Mr R, that I kept all of that storm raging inside.

In my defense, it took me days to figure out why I panicked. And the more intense the session/submission, the longer it would take me to untangle my thoughts and I’m still kinda waiting for that sub-drop to hit me, now four days later. But it hadn’t yet. Or I’m not sure, I’ve been keeping myself busy. But I am aware that I need to discuss this with Oliver. And also address this problem with myself. I wish I can submit as easily as I did at the beginning of my journey, how fearless I was. And I refuse to have that fearlessness taken away from me. I am going to get it back. I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to submit to anyone I choose to. I’ve always viewed submission as the ultimate control. Only when you have full control of yourself is when you can give up that control to someone else. Have I actually lost control while I fight so hard to keep it?

Nerdy Basement

Why I Love Horror

One of the biggest reasons why I love everything horror is because I’m an adrenaline junkie. I like to be scared, I’m fond of the feeling of being afraid. My heart beating hard inside my chest, my palms getting sweaty and cold, and I start to breathe hard. All of those feelings make me feel more alive. And watching a horror movie is really a very cheap way to get my adrenaline fix. 😀 But there are of course a few other reasons too.

First is morbid curiosity. I’ve read somewhere that it is one of our basic impulses, like sleeping, eating and having sex. I am endlessly fascinated by the darker side of human nature, and I never quite get bored of listening, watching and reading stories that the human mind is capable of creating. I’m also interested in true crime although I’m usually too lazy to explore myself, I rather listen to retold stories or watch movies and shows based on true stories. I am very into finding out what is considered taboo and forbidden and thus shrouded in mystery. I guess maybe part of my kinky tendencies have something to do with my obsession with horror too, but that’s another topic to discuss some other day.

Another reason is my devote obsession of fear – the strongest, most primal of emotions, and I argue, even more so than love. Cos love is hardly ever unconditional, but fear can be all-powerful, uncontrollable and utterly irrational. Sure, you can conquer it but only temporarily. Fear is ever-present and ever-lasting. It’s not really a battle you can ever win, but I am a firm believer that you can learn to embrace it and not let fear rule your life. And loving horror is one of my methods to embrace fear, and at least it’s not dangerous to my health. I think. 😀

And last but not least, the horror genre is full of hidden gems. For some reason, this particular genre is shunned critics and general awards, just because of the horror factors. But some of the time, hidden underneath all of that fake blood and practical effects of guts and gore are great stories with fascinating characters and all of that done with very small budgets. And horror would always find their audience, that’s why studios would always keep making them cos they do make a decent profit. But as a horror fan, I am disheartened that horror movies aren’t more recognized by the general public. I do see a subtle shift happening in recent years with high-publicity horror like ‘It’, ‘Get Out’, ‘A Quiet Place’ and ‘Us’. Keep them coming, I say.

Jukebox Friday

Smile – Jimmy Durante

I’m still very much in the Joker mood, even after a week I’m still thinking about it. It did change how I listen to this song for sure. I really like this song ‘Smile’ but now I hear it with a thin layer of melancholy and bittersweetness. It feels like I’m saying this every week, that I’ve been so freaking busy, but I guess it’s just autumn. I’ve been feeling great this week, might even write about the small changes I made later. But for now, let’s enjoy the weekend, hope you have a great one. I know I will! 😉

Nerdy Basement

Horror Recommendation – Revenge

October is horror months so every week I’m going to choose one horror movie that I would like to recommend. They can be smaller or bigger productions with one common characteristic – they all surprised me in one way or another. First one up is ‘Revenge‘ from 2017. I wrote a mini movie review about it last year and it’s over at my movie blog Movie Mignon, go check it out if you are into movies. 😀 #shamelessplug As for those who don’t want to click links, I’ve copied the little review over to here, so here you go.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle wiki poster revenge movie 2017Revenge (2017)

Finally, one good movie to write about. This little delightly horror flick. To be honest, I did not expect much from it, I gathered it was another ‘I spit on your grave’ kind of fun. Yes, I have a very sick concept of what counts as fun. I did not expect to have so much fun watching this. If ultra violence for no good reason at all is not your idea to spend 100 minutes, I suggested to skip this one. I was a little surprised to find out that it was written and directed a woman, Coralie Fargeat and ‘Revenge’ is her first feature film. It did not look like the work of a newbie, like the other four movies in this post. I dare to say I have not seen such cinematography choices that I’ve witnessed in ‘Revenge’. It was innovative and quite stunning. True, some of it is pretty over the top and downright unrealistic, but if you choose to ignore those little details, you might get to enjoy quite a ride, like I did. And if you are familiar with French horror, ‘Revenge’ isn’t going to take you by surprise quite as much. The leading lady seen on the poster, Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz is also pretty new but she managed to pull off quite a role. I am definitely going to follow this director and see what she comes up with next.

My IMDb rating: 8 stars out of 10



Nerdy Basement

The Anatomy of a Great Horror Movie

Welcome to October – horror month! In the discussion of the anatomy of a great horror movie, I would like to use one of the best horror movies of all time as our frame of reference – The Exorcist. I chose it because, amongst the best, it is also quite purely set in the genre of horror. It’s also one of the scariest movies ever made to this day and despite its ripe age of over 45 years, it still holds up. And one of the reasons is the amazing story. Let’s start with that.

Good Story

I guess that’s for all movies right? I do argue that it’s particularly important in horror because after subjecting the audience to various kinds of discomfort, scares, disgust, etc., you better make it worth our while. It doesn’t have to be a complicated one. In fact, straight-forwardness usually pays off, unless we are talking about Korean horror. Plot twists are seen a lot, the big reveal in the end. I have mixed feelings about those since I don’t view them as necessary to make a good horror movie. Sometimes a really out of nowhere twist, a twist just for the sake of it, would ruin a good horror.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle the exorcistDread vs Jump Scares

Nowadays, jump scares reign as the thing that makes a movie horror. It was and still remains a cheap thrill for me. I believe I’ve stated this before, but let me say it once more: jump scares are a tension reliever. And the whole point of horror movies is building tension and then releasing it in a spectacular fashion so all that suffering, while it was building up, is worth it. But if you keep releasing the tension with jump scares throughout the movie, you start to lose the trust of your audience. With every jump scare, you slice your tension in half, and in the end you mind end up with a lackluster ending cos your audience is exhausted and have no fucks left to give. So instead of relying on jump scares to make your movies scary, use dread. Best horror of all time are all unsettling as fuck. The Exorcist kinda nails it. Let’s say the scene where victim, the little girl Regan first started showing signs of something being very wrong. The scene where she walked downstairs from her bedroom into the middle of a grand party her parents were throwing, she pointed and told someone that they were going to die and then proceeded to piss herself right in front of everyone. Mind you, Regan was 12 so it was highly disturbing to watch that scene. You could feel the discomfort from party attendees witnessing this. And the dread started to build up right from that scene, and everytime we come back to Regan, she get gradually worse and the sense of dread builds and builds until it become unbearably and the audience is driven into a state of frenzy. So when the hardcore stuff starts happening on screen, you are equally horrified and oddly relieved that the tension ended and that combo would just make you want to scream alongside Regan.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle the exorcistUnhappy Endings

I mean, I like unhappy endings in all of my movies, but I guess it depends on which point of view you choose to look at things. But especially in the case of horror, an unhappy ending is also mandatory. People die, sacrifices must be made and the main character if still alive, forever changed. A good horror movie is always transformative with at least decent character development. One of the reasons why I love horror is that the good ones aren’t straight forward. The good guys don’t always win in the end, and even if they do, at what cost? Good horror is almost like a love letter to villains and everything evil, sometimes they get the final laugh, sometimes the destruction is done so thoroughly that even though the evil is defeated, there won’t be any genuine satisfaction. You were just there for the while, hope you learned your lesson if there was even a lesson to be learned. Sometimes horror endings can be so bleak that they exist just so you would want a hug from someone in the end. Or in some cases the reaction ‘I’m scared, don’t touch me.’ XD

Make Us Care or Don’t Bother

I guess this is the hardest mission of all movies, how to make the audience care. Most mediocre horror would just kill off people in an entertaining fashion right away and you just don’t care about any of those who die in the movie. The best of horror makes you care about the characters, so you would be heart-broken and terrified when they get hurt or die. In the case of The Exorcist, I can’t say it does that job perfectly, but I cared enough about Regan, about her mother and the priests. I know people expect horror to be suspenseful and exciting all the time, but usually, it’s those quiet moments, the ‘boring’ ones that show us who the characters are and why we should care. Leave that out or make it unbelievable, a horror movie can never be good.

All of the above mentioned, it is asking quite a lot for a genre that is most of the time under-funded and under-rated. Even the best of horror would get snubbed by awards just because the horror genre is looked down at by critics and well… the general public. Which is of course highly unfair. That’s why I would keep writing posts about the horror genre. 🙂 Hope you enjoyed this one. Next week, I will write about why I love horror.

Jukebox Friday · Random Ramblings

Love So Soft – Kelly Clarkson

I’m usually very high energy, blessed with the skillz of a great sleeper plus I only need 6.5-7 hours of sleep. Somehow today I’m super exhausted. This week had been quite hectic, and I think it’s finally catching up to me. So I chose a song for a little energy boost. Kelly Clarkson is like the big sister I never had, her amazing voice is always caring and electrifying at the same time. So let’s have Kelly energize us! Hope you have a great weekend. I know I will. 😉

Nerdy Basement

The Theme of October 2019 – Horror

It’s October – aka horror month! It’s my favorite month of the year, because I love horror. And I think I’ve redeemed myself somehow as a horror fan, because I’ve started again to watch a lot of horror movies this year. Previous years I tend to avoid them because I live alone and it’s scary. 😀 Maybe I’ve grown up a bit, like way past the limit of my real life problems being way more scarier than horror movies so I’m not that scared of them anymore. XD So let’s have a proper horror month. Throughout this month I would write about the anatomy of a good horror movie and horror novel, why I love horror, what scares me the most and also I’m going to recommend horror movies for those who don’t like horror. 😀 And Every weekend on Sundays I would write short recommendation of new-ish horror movies that I really enjoyed. Let’s have us a spooky month! 😛