Emo Attic · Healthy Corner

Battling the Blues

Aiheeseen liittyvä kuvaYou know the Pixar movie ‘Inside Out’? The movie about tiny creatures inside your head that symbolized different emotions like joy, anger, envy and sadness. And I remember how annoyed I was when Joy (the one in green dress in the pic) always bullies and push Sadness to the ‘back of the mind’ to stand in a circle. I felt back for Sadness. But isn’t that how many people deal with their Sadness? Push it back in our mind, contain it somehow and kinda trying to forget that it actually exists. I guess I feel bad for Sadness, cos I don’t treat mine like that. I mean of course I love to be happy, but I don’t dislike to be sad, if that makes any sense. Like I’ve said before, my biggest fear is feeling numb. So while sadness might not be my favorite emotion to feel, I’m equally grateful for it, just like I am for any other emotions.

In that sense, the title of this post is slightly misleading. Cos I don’t actually fight the blues when they come. I don’t exactly welcome them with open arms but I greet them with acceptance, let them stay for as long as they feel the need to and then send them to their merry way knowing full well that it wouldn’t be the last time they would visit. I mentioned before, I live my life swinging back and forth like a pendulum from one extreme to the other – extremely happy and then being down. Highs and lows, they have become the way of living for me. I know when I’m high that the lows are going to come and vice versa. So I don’t fight the blues. I simply let them wash over me, trying to understand them, figure out the reason if there is one (mostly there isn’t one), and most importantly, I treat it with respect. I almost never question it, and I never resent it. It’s simply the price I need to pay for the highs and never feeling numb.

I have become so accustomed to deal with my blues that those who don’t know me enough won’t be able to spot the difference. I am definitely quieter, more tired and less social. I don’t like to depend on others to help me to deal with the blues because… well, I don’t like to depend on anyone but myself. I need to trust someone a lot before I would let them help me through something.

Anyways, I’m here to share things that I do when I’m down that makes it all slightly easier to bear. I can be quite unmotivated when I’m down, so I actually try to avoid so-called passive past-times like watching TV or movies or play games. I prefer active habits that I kinda force myself to do so that at least I would feel semi-useful if nothing else. So here are the five habits that I find helpful going through my downtime.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle cleaning1. Cleaning and re-organizing

I’m not exactly fond of cleaning but I do love to have a very clean house. I’m pretty busy most of the time doing stuff and going out, so I utilize my downtime when I don’t want to do anything but stay at home to clean my place. It’s a good habit to have.

2. Exercising or going for a walk

Trust me, skipping your workout when you are feeling down or sad is not going to help the matter. 100% of the time when I practically force myself to finish a scheduled workout or just go out for a long walk, I would feel at least slightly better afterward. And your body definitely would thank you later.

3. Cooking and eating

I guess I can say that I’m lucky that I would love my appetite when I’m down. And cos I’m a foodie, if I stop wanting to eat, it is a sure sign of the on-coming blues. So I’ve developed a habit to just cook something good and healthy for myself and make myself eat on a schedule even though I’m not hungry. There’s no reason to mess up your body at the same time just cos your head is in a stupid place.

4. Reading

If I can concentrate, then I would read something. Weirdly, it helps if it’s not fiction. Something non-fiction that is still fascinating.

Kuvahaun tulos haulle bullet journaling5. Bullet journaling and writing

Organizing your schedule works just like organizing your house, it helps to maintain order in things you have control over and it helps to clear out the chaos inside the head. I might not have the inspiration to write anything good, but writing in my own diary or on this blog always help me to clear out my thoughts or things that have been bothering me (in case there is any).

Here you go. Up next week, I will write a review of the book that actually inspired the happiness theme on the blog this month, a book called ‘Happiness Trap’. It offers some really interesting points of views and takes on happiness. I can’t wait to share them with you! So stay tuned!

Kinky Dungeon · Sexadventures

Courtship Chronicles, part 7 – Built-In Anti-Vanilla System

Goddammit. Just a month ago it was smooth sailing… I had two play partners, Mickey and Oliver and I was almost zen sexual-frustration wise. Not to worry, it’s still going well with Oliver, he still surprises me somehow every time we play. The problem was with Mickey. Soooo, here’s the thing, I think I’m not only not into vanilla, I think I actually have some kind of built-in anti-vanilla system now. Let me explain.

Mickey is vanilla. I actually had to readjust the meaning of vanillaness in my head slightly too, as it did become more clear to me. Cos the sex was not bad at all with Mickey, actually as far as vanilla goes, it was pretty damn great. He was into rough sex, he fucked hard, and he was very into mouthfucking and deep-throating. But nonetheless, he was vanilla. And I came to realize that vanilla doesn’t necessarily describe the sex, but the repetitiveness of the acts. The first time with Mickey was great, more than great. So was the second, and third and fourth time. But then it kinda hit the wall. It took my brain exactly four times for it to decide ‘yup, this ain’t going to change’. Every time with him was basically the same set, albeit it was a great set, but still the same. Like, I love sushi, but I still can’t eat it twice a week without soon starting to dislike it.

Then the weirdest thing happened. Small things started to change. Like his scent or the taste of his cock. I’m sure they actually didn’t change, but something inside of me made me start to physically reject him. And then I start to notice tiny stuff too, like a scratch on his glasses that I couldn’t not focus on while looking at him. And then came the death sentence – the pain and discomfort during and after the rough sex stopped turning me on altogether, instead, they start to annoy me and I start getting dry during sex. I was horrified with my own reactions. It has been just a month!

I have to face the sad sad truth – I really can’t do vanilla for a long time. Seems like 3-4 times is like the line in the sand before I start to experience symptoms of rejection, physical reactions. I felt really bad about it all because I actually really like Mickey. I was totally going to be adult about it and tell him, although I had no idea how to start a conversation like that. It’s really not him, I’m just… I don’t know… sexually handicapped. But I still wanted to tell him, cos I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to have sex with him again, as bad as it sounds. I am selfish, I admit that much.

Fortunately, just like some higher power decided to let me off the hook and be a non-adulting coward for a little while longer, Mickey met a girl he wanted to get serious with. And since he isn’t poly, I ‘graciously’ step aside, I made it really easy for him to end the benefits part in our FWB arrangement. That’s the least I could do for not having to have an awkward conversation.

All that said, I really have to be more careful now on with men who aren’t clearly kinky, cos I really don’t like to hurt other people’s feelings unnecessarily. I’m not saying I would never fuck a vanilla man again, especially I can’t really know if they are vanilla before the sex. Cos I had played with people who are for all intents and purposes ‘kinky’ but they would be so set in the ways they do things that every play time would be the same. So in my books, that’s still vanilla. But then I have played with someone who never claimed to be that kinky but the sex was still different every time for it to qualify as kinky in my head. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. Guess I do need that certain element of surprise, a certain sense of unknown.

And then there was one. How I’m again in this situation that I only have one play partner? This fragile system. XD Well, I guess it’s back to actively swiping mode on Tinder. *yawn* Considering that I met my last two very good play partners in the kinky scene, you can imagine my enthusiasm to use time on Tinder. It’s springtime, the next Elios and Olivers better appear in munches and parties soon and charm their way into my ‘dungeon’. XD Until then, stay kinky! 😉

Emo Attic · Healthy Corner

Are You Happy?

Here’s a little story about my Chinese name. There are many ways to name a kid in China, sometimes it’s according to your family rule book but they are usually just for boys, and sometimes it’s tied to various superstitions. It’s rather common to give a name that means something you wish your kid would have in life – words with meanings of wealth, fortune, intelligence etc are very popular. My mom had a simpler idea, she wanted me to be happy, so she gave me a name that means ‘happy’. But since my dad’s surname sounds just like the word ‘not’, my mom gave me two same names. You know, just in case. Happy happy, that’s my names. XD

I for one am not that big of a fan of my name, but I seem to have taken the sentiment quite seriously. Cos when I was a small kid and my elementary school teacher asked me ‘what I want to be when I grow up’, instead of answers like an astronaut, a president, a princess or any other equally ambitious profession, I told her simply – ‘I want to be happy’. In retrospect, I literally could not be more ambitious in my life goals even if I wanted to be. Cos now as an adult, being happy seems to be a rather hard thing to achieve. Let me explain.

I thought I had a clear idea of what would make me happy when I was young. I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted to be loved, I wanted dogs, I wanted a nice job, I even wanted kids when I was a teenager. Not for a second did I stop to contemplate whether they were actually things that wanted, or just ideas that my friends or parents or the society put in my head. I wasn’t special, still am not, I wanted simple things and a simple life. Then suddenly I was 30, and I had almost everything that I wanted. I had a fiance who loved me, we got pets, I had a nice easy job, we bought a house. I had everything I thought I wanted, so why wasn’t I happy?

I’ve always said, only half jokingly, that my ex-fiance cheating one me was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was a catalyst that burned down everything I thought I wanted for 30 years and I was left alone to figure things out, right from the ashes. And the last five years have been the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. One of the major reason is that I figured out that happiness is not a destination you arrived at once you’ve done everything you could, happiness is a life-long journey that never ends, well at least not until you die. 😛 It’s not a goal to achieve, there aren’t steps you can take to guarantee you would make it, happiness is elusive and ever-changing. I know, some deep shit. 😀

There is really only one thing you can do to help – get to know yourself. Your own feelings, why you feel them, your real opinions, your shadow – the hidden self, your strengths and your faults, be very honest with yourself. Don’t worry, you got a life-time to do that, so take your time. And getting to know yourself is also a life-long journey, cos you are also constantly changing, evolving. Don’t be scared to change your mind.

When I started to be honest about my sexuality, about all the kinky stuff, tackling my insecurities head-on by just simply admitting to myself all of my faults, slowly but surely I became more and more happy with my life. Cos finally, my happiness was not dependant on something or someone else, it was all on me. I have the control. And by control I don’t mean I can control whether I’m happy or not. By control I meant I know I’m going to be okay no matter what. So even when sadness hits me, sometimes for no reason at all, I know I can handle it so I let it wash over me. I treat every ‘negative’ feeling the same way – ‘This too shall pass’. And ironically, I have the same sentiment towards ‘positive’ feelings but it just makes me appreciate them that much more. Every laugh, every tear, every pleasure, every pain – I treasure every single one of them cos they make me feel something – and for me it’s ‘I feel, therefore I am’.

Soon to be 35, I finally am closer than ever before to the thing my name foretold – I’m more happy than I’ve ever been and honestly, I can see that I’m only going to get happier and happier. Because finally, I made ‘being happy’ my default state when I’m by myself, alone, doing stuff I enjoy. Everything else is extra, bonuses – my job that I love, my friends – old and new, my partners, my experiences. I want for nothing, that’s why everything just adds to my happiness.

Lately, I’ve acquired a new motto, inspired by Maria Kondo, the great minimalist. One of her sayings is her asking whether an item sparks joy. I think it’s a great idea, I’ve been applying that to literally everything in my life – whether it’s a person, a thing or an activity. I would ask myself “Does this spark joy in me?” And if I say no, I would just get rid of it. 😀 I am endlessly grateful and I feel very lucky that my life right now is as simple as that.

So, are you happy?

Jukebox Friday

I Like That – Janelle Monáe

There’s a special feel to Janelle Monáe’s music, and specifically this week, I feel like it. Wishing it would get warmer soon cos I’ve been biking this week in my winter coat and freezing and sweating at the same time. It’s almost like I’m tempting fate that I wouldn’t get sick. 😛 Well, another busy weekend ahead, it’s going to be a good one. Wish you a great weekend too and let Janelle’s sweet voice get you started. 🙂

Favorite parts of the lyrics:

“I’m always left of center and that’s right where I belong. I’m the random minor note you hear in major songs”
“And I like that. I don’t really give a fuck if I was just the only one. Who likes that”
But even back then with the tears in my eyes I always knew I was the shit”

Continue reading “I Like That – Janelle Monáe”

Emo Attic

Happiness Is

Happiness Is
Cold Winter Mornings
Misty Summer Dawns
Calm Rainy Autumn Days
And Full Moon Adorned Nights

Happiness Is
The Smell of the Forest After Rain
The Crunch of Snow Underneath Boots
The Moisture of Grass Beneath Bare Feet
And The Heat of Beach Sand Warmed by the Sun

Happiness Is
Hearing My Trainer Say ‘Workout Complete’
Cooking Something Delicious
Hugging a Great Book After Finishing Reading
And Weeping Over a Marvelous Movie

Happiness Is
Laughing with Friends
Sharing with Mates
Drinking with Bros
And Crying with Partners

Happiness Is
Learning From My Own Mistakes
Embracing My Own Faults
Appreciating My Own Efforts
And Believing In My Own Strength

Happiness Is
Being Honest with Yourself
Getting to Know Yourself
Putting Yourself First
And Loving Yourself

Happiness Is
To Fulfill Every Desire
To Live With No Regrets
To Care With All Your Heart
And To Love With Everything You Got

Happiness Is Being Alive

Confessions of a Spanko · Kinky Dungeon

Confessions of a Spanko, part 13 – The Way I Spank

Last week was stressful at work so I asked for a proper spanking from Oliver. I mean, if you asked me when he and I met whether I would believe that he could spank hard enough to tickle my masochist, I would’ve said “Sweet Oliver? No way!” But from the first time he spanked me, I knew he definitely has potential. There was certain ruthlessness to his way of spanking, although I do think that he does it in that way cos he knows I like it that way. If you ask him, he would probably say both. I still have a lot to figure out when it comes to him, he does keep saying he is new to all this but he doesn’t always act like it.

Anyways, so I asked him for a spanking. A hard one. I also asked him to tie me up from my wrists and hang me from my ceiling hook so I was on my tiptoes most of the time aka my favorite position to get a proper spanking. Let’s just say that he exceeded all of my expectations about what he is capable of. Pity that I couldn’t see him spanking me cos he was behind me most of the time. I would have wanted to make sure to see that gleam of a sadist in his eyes, cos it sure as fuck felt like I was being spanked by a sadist.

I wasn’t sure whether it was stress that made me delusional, but I let him use my canes too. And also the dressage crop. And the dragon tail crop. To my utter annoyance, he loved all of the ones that were long and thin and mean. And the way that he spanked me… without any pattern and utterly unpredictable. I couldn’t predict when was the next one landing, which body part or whether it was going to be hard or fucking hard. And the speed was downright unrelenting, leaving me no way to hold my breath so that I can endure it better but his speed left me panting. Especially those instruments that have a bite to them, you know, those which are long and flexible enough that the impact point is not the spot that hurts the most but it’s where the tip of the instrument lands that hurts like a motherfucker. It was the surprise element that literally kept me on my toes. But what finally broke me and got me sobbing just a bit was the combination of pleasure and pain. Throughout the spanking, he fingered me, put a frozen peas bag on my butt (which felt amazing but made the following hits hurt that much more), and during fucking that felt amazing he would stop in between to spank me some more. It was the contrast that broke me, and I freaking loved it.

Later on, thinking back, I hardly remember a time when I took a spanking that… ungracefully. 😀 I mean, I took way harder spankings in place like a good girl. But somehow, Oliver’s way of spanking made me tried my best to wriggle away (well as much as I can try to move when tied up on the ceiling hook). And my God did I scream and cursed. Then it hit me. He spanks exactly in the same way as I do. XD Now I finally get why I get so many defiant looks from little subbies I spanked at the kinky club! My way of spanking is really… well, nasty. 😀 I’m still not sure whether it was his way of spanking too, or whether he had just learned from me and he would only spank me with my own style. The one thing I hoped he wouldn’t have learned from me… XD Well, I’m not trashing my own style really, I actually prefer to receive my style compared to the steady style of most spankos. Well, cos I love the chaos. Although the steady style would get my masochist out faster, my style is way more fun in my humble opinion. 😛 And just like sadists, masochists can have fun too, right!? 😀

Next week, I think I need to make another of those dating updates, cos, of course, a single kinky girl can’t have too balanced of a life. Fuck my life. Anyways, until then, stay kinky! 😉

Emo Attic · Healthy Corner

Am I Aromantic?

I know this is kinda a weird topic to start off the blog theme of April that is all about happiness. But to know oneself is very crucial, if not the most important aspect of being truly happy. And just like my sexual orientation, my kinkyness and polyness, knowing whether I’m aromantic sounds pretty essential to me. Okay, let me start from the beginning.

A while ago in a party, a bunch of girls including me started to talk about relationships. And one girl talked briefly about people who are aromantic. I instantly became fascinated with the word. So basically, aromantics are just like asexuals except it’s not about sex but romantic relationships. I mean of course I’ve been in love. Well, once. I’ve been in love once in my almost 35 years I’ve lived. Yes, it was Atticus, my 3rd and last Dominant, with whom I was about 1.5 yrs. And before him, I was never in love, not even with the man I was supposed to marry. I sometimes consider whether my definition of being in love is too strict, like, maybe my crushes (which I have a lot) are what one might consider being in love. I also wonder whether me being poly has anything to do with it. So, I decided to break down the layers of my infatuations and crushes: attraction, friendship, treasuring, adoration and falling in love. Those are the five layers of my infatuations. Let’s take a look at them one at a time.

Continue reading “Am I Aromantic?”