Things had changed since my last entry. I don’t have a Dom now, and since the beginning of the year I decided to put my submissive side to the backseat for a year, and concentrate on… well, everything else. I switched my ‘role’ from submissive to sadist on my Fetlife profile, just so that I won’t get unrequested messages from Doms looking for subs. I’ve spent some time to decide what sadism meant to me, and whether it’s tied to my submissive side. I’ve come to a conclusion that I am not a sexual sadist, as I might be a sexual masochist. As a matter of fact, I’m not even sure I’m a masochist, or is that just something that is part of my submission. Well, I might need to explore that part next year. But for now, my sadist side. I don’t get sexually turned on by hurting others, I just simply really love doing it.
I don’t think I’ve talked about my sadist side much. I’m sure I’ve described her before as a tiny little sadist living inside of me. And I say little, cos like my masochist side, I don’t feel the need to feed it regularly. However, by little, I don’t mean I’m interested in causing only a wee bit of pain. 😀 I feel the need to explain this cos whenever I say that I have a little sadist living inside of me, Sir Atticus would scoff at it and tell me that it’s not exactly little. But I don’t think sadism or masochism work like that. There’s really no limit to how much pain a sadist would like to cause or a masochist would like to receive.
I am both a sexual masochist and a sadist, I get aroused from both aspects. Being a submissive is, however, still my most prominent sexual orientation and both my S and M are inseparable from D/s. Meaning I need to be submitting in order to get aroused from pain. My sadist basically works the same way, but it’s a little complicated than that. Cos I don’t really get off on being dominant. I do enjoy bossing around and I’m very good at it, but I don’t get sexual satisfaction from it. But I do get aroused from acts of sadism but in order to get off, I need to submit. And both my S and M side require a consenting partner. Especially on the S side, cos you know, beating others without their consent is kinda illegal. 😀 And since I’m only borderline psychopath, I don’t think I would enjoy hurting anyone not consenting. Much. 😉
At the point, I am reminded of this one guy who so long time ago replied to my ‘Owner Wanted’ ad, that guy who required me cumming 12 times each sexy time and squirting. XD However fun was to read those crazy replies, I really don’t miss that time. Back to the wet matter at hand, today’s topic is squirting. I’ve always thought I’m not one of those girls who squirts. I mean I squirted quite often while masturbating when I was young, like before the age of 24. And after that, it pretty much just stopped. Not that I masturbated less or the orgasms were getting less enjoyable. On the contrary, I get much better orgasms as I’m getting older. The crucial reason must be the change of the method how I masturbated. I used to use pressure against my clitoris to masturbate, until I discovered vibrators. And I don’t like to press vibrators very hard against myself, most of the time it feels better to almost let the vibrator hover a tiny bit.
Since I’ve found my way to the glorious kinky world, my sexual appetite had been gone on over-drive for over a year now. Not necessarily wanting pleasure all the time, but the craving has just got more powerful. So this past 12 months or so, I squirted a couple of times when I was masturbating with my magic wand vibrator. But still, I was convinced I would never squirt while I’m having sex with someone else. Because although Sir Atticus has done miracles for me not being able to orgasm in front of others, it’s still a problem sometimes and it probably would take a long time for me to let go all the anxiousness I associate with cumming when I’m not alone. So I didn’t think I would ever squirt, I mean if cumming can’t be taken for granted and I only ever squirt when I get an orgasm, wishing for squirting seemed a far away dream for me. But then it happened. Two days ago.