I try to live every day in a way that it would either give me a story or yield me a lesson. Be it a good or a bad thing, it would still give me a good story to tell or a lesson to learn, best case scenarios both. My three Doms were a great source of stories, but each one of them also taught me a lot. They taught me things about my submission, how to be a submissive, what it means to be a submissive, lessons in pleasure and pain, and also through them I learned a lot about myself as a person. As a matter of fact, all my exes taught me about myself, but those are stories for another day. Today I’m concentrating on sharing things my Doms had taught me. Especially now that I’m in the role of a sadist and find myself in the position of the one in charge, I found myself needing those lessons from my Doms more than ever.
“I can no longer be your Dom.”
It didn’t exactly come out of the blue. I could feel him slipping away months ago. His grip on me getting more and more loose until I could barely feel it. I tried to justify it, I tried to explain it to be just work stress, he did tell me not to stress time and time again. But the connection was gone, and the absence of the special bond between a Dominant and submissive was made less detectable by the love and care and friendship we still have for each other. Being a submissive is still a very important part of me, so I was not doing well being in a D/s relationship that wasn’t D/s anymore. But we were both guilty for hiding our feelings. Whenever I asked him what was the matter, he would say it had nothing to do with me and that I shouldn’t stress about it. And whenever he asked me whether I was okay and just as many times I said yes even if I was anything but. We were both being selfish, we both were reluctant to hurt the other, albeit for different reasons.
It was in the beginning of our relationship when he already told me that he didn’t think we could get any more serious because He said that he seeemed to have lost that part in him. Of course I was devastated that we couldn’t be everything, but when I cried back then, it was for him and not for me. The thought of him being so determined of spending the rest of his life alone broke my heart, it still does. So I decided to be there for him, for as long as he wanted me, in whatever capacity and form He would let me. I was in love with him, still am in some ways, cos I still don’t believe you can be in love with someone without the other also being in love with you. But I have no doubt in my mind about how much I love and cherish him.
I should’ve known, although I was ready to be there for him, that he wouldn’t let me. The fact that he couldn’t give me everything he thought I needed and everything he thought I deserved, that fact started to eat at him more and more until he felt downright shitty after every time we were together. My adoration became hard to bare. So he started to pull away. And finally, over a month ago, he called it quits officially. But it was a long time coming, and my birthday present became our last ‘session’. It took him so long to say it because he didn’t want to lose me. Like I was ever going to go anywhere… Take away the D/s, he still remains one of the most important people in my life, and one of my favorites too. I’ve never had a best friend, cos all of my good friends bring out different sides in me. He is the only one who had seen every bit of me, not only did he not look away or judge me in any way, he embraced it and understood it. He has seen the good, the bad and the ugly, and he still loves me.
There is one thing that I couldn’t predict. For over a year, I was his submissive. My sexuality as a whole, all of it belonged to him like it never belonged to anyone else, not even to myself. So when I ceased to be his submissive, it felt like I ceased to be a submissive altogether. For one solid month sex didn’t even cross my mind, other than in the form of ‘why aren’t I horny’. And also, masturbation without the need to ask for permission endlessly saddens me. The thought of sexual pleasure terrifies me. I was afraid I would have a severe breakdown. So I decided to be in celibacy for three months, at least. I mean, one month has already past. The longest time I was without sex (including masturbation) after me being sexually active was two weeks, and that was when I broke up with my ex fiance of almost five years.
The funny thing is, after I’ve decided on the 3-month celibacy, I found myself in the mood for the first time a few days ago. I wouldn’t go as far as called in horniness or arousal, just a little itch. I’m not sure whether it’s because of my decision of being sexless, that’s why my mind was at ease and thus letting my body get away with urges. I’m not sure whether I’m mentally ready though, and I’m still terrified. As for the subbie part, it feels like a gaping hole in my stomach.
I know it’s going to take a long time for me to get over him as my Dom, him being just Atticus now and not Sir anymore. So it’s going to take a long while for me to even know what to do next. I hereby apologize to those who are here for kinky content, I have no idea when I would be capable to write anything about kink or D/s.
Other contents are still going to be available, like all the foodie and nerdie stuff like recipes and movie reviews. But there won’t be anything on Kinky Wednesday for a long while. Hopefully, next time you do spot a post on Wednesday, it would be me telling you that I’m back. I’m looking for that day too. Until then, stay kinky! :’)
I don’t think I’ve talked about my sadist side much. I’m sure I’ve described her before as a tiny little sadist living inside of me. And I say little, cos like my masochist side, I don’t feel the need to feed it regularly. However, by little, I don’t mean I’m interested in causing only a wee bit of pain. 😀 I feel the need to explain this cos whenever I say that I have a little sadist living inside of me, Sir Atticus would scoff at it and tell me that it’s not exactly little. But I don’t think sadism or masochism work like that. There’s really no limit to how much pain a sadist would like to cause or a masochist would like to receive.
I am both a sexual masochist and a sadist, I get aroused from both aspects. Being a submissive is, however, still my most prominent sexual orientation and both my S and M are inseparable from D/s. Meaning I need to be submitting in order to get aroused from pain. My sadist basically works the same way, but it’s a little complicated than that. Cos I don’t really get off on being dominant. I do enjoy bossing around and I’m very good at it, but I don’t get sexual satisfaction from it. But I do get aroused from acts of sadism but in order to get off, I need to submit. And both my S and M side require a consenting partner. Especially on the S side, cos you know, beating others without their consent is kinda illegal. 😀 And since I’m only borderline psychopath, I don’t think I would enjoy hurting anyone not consenting. Much. 😉