Ugh, this is going to be one long intro, apologies for that. But I could hardly sleep last night thinking about a whole lot of stuff and I just have to write them out of my system in order to get peace of mind. And I will try my best to make this into semi-coherent text, cos it’s quite confusing in my head. On my Friday jukebox post I talked about the change in the relationship between my Dom and I. And I promised not to mope and I fully intended to do just that. But my mind had an agenda of her own, and she decided without my consent to go on a completely different direction. I found myself getting these extremely strong waves of panic-attack-like sadness time and again these past few days, nearly anything could be the trigger. And I recognize these feelings, cos I have felt them once before, more than a decade ago: I am in mourning.
More than ten years ago, when I was still in high school, I had this dear friend. She was beautiful with her long thick honey blonde hair that was always a mess and brilliant blue eyes, and truly a smile that brightened up the whole room. She loved pink and would wear all pink all the time. She was a cheerleader, a singer and she was the most popular girl in school. But the reason she was the most popular wasn’t because she had all the material to be a mean girl. On the contrary, she was the kindest person I know to this day. Her kindness is the genuine kind, just like she had no idea how beautiful she was, being kind was just the way she was.
In the second year of high school, she passed away. Suddenly. Without warning. Some sudden brain virus thing that was straight from a horror movie, but was so very real. It hit me hard. The teenage me was outraged and struck so forcefully by grief, I kept asking why her. There was so much evil in this world, why the universe had to snub out the one person in my life who was all good. Before she even reached 18 of age. I mourned that I never got to tell her how much I admired her. How much of a better person I was becoming because I had her in my life. She never lectured anyone, she never told anyone how they should be. She made a huge impact on everyone she met, she lead by example. I grieved that I didn’t get to say goodbye, I don’t even remember the last time we saw each other. It’s such a privilege and even a luxury to get to say goodbye, to see someone knowing it would be the last time you see them.
For over a month after her passing, I saw her everywhere and that panic-attack-like sadness would hit me like a brick. Even after so many years, it still gives me pause when I see a girl with long blonde hair. Even after all this time, I get emotional talking and thinking about her. Although she was no longer with us in her physical form, she was pretty much there every step of my life. Because of her, I fight it like crazy whenever I feel that the world and people in it threatens to turn me into a mean and bitter person. I try my hardest to be kind and positive, even if sometimes the world doesn’t deserve it. Because of her, I believe that hope is a powerful thing. Because of her, I believe firmly in mind over matter. And because of her, I constantly try with all my might to believe the best of people.
After her passing, I have tried to surround myself with people who have a positive effect on me, and cutting out people who would spread negativity. I have friends who make me feel like I belong, I have had passed relationships that taught me things about myself. But since her, I haven’t been able to find anyone who would make me into a better person. Until I met my Dom. All the kink aside, He is so many things that I am not. He is calm, annoyingly logical, fair, so very patient and about the nicest person I know. He is the sound of reason whenever I’m being unreasonable and I am that a lot. I truly think that He’s incapable of losing His temper like ever. So like I said, everything that I am not. And I admire Him like I did her. He became that someone in my life that just by being Himself makes me want to be a better person.
So, back to the why I am in mourning. Obviously, clearly He’s not dead. And I know for a fact that we would see each other again, cos He still has my massage pillow. XD It was just, for maybe one or two seconds, I thought I lost Him for good like I lost her, my mind went there. And something snapped in my stupid head that triggered the mourning process to begin very very very prematurely. This all feel so silly. But I decided that it is somewhat helpful, this break.
For the past six months, we had been a huge part in each other’s life. Of course, I was trying to look for an Owner and even went on dates with a couple of them. But none of them lead to sessions. In theory, and in my own head, I think I was capable of starting something new without taking a break with my Dom. But now that I really truly think about it, it is highly unlikely that it is possible. Cos I have experienced this before, haven’t I? I had regular sessions with my first Dom when I met my Dom now, and He was my first Owner candidate back then. And for a very short period of time I had two Doms. But then I found myself utterly incapable to be present during sessions with my first Dom. I was forced to tell my first Dom that I needed a break from our sessions so that I could get to know my then Owner candidate aka my Dom now. And it was my first Dom’s decision to make my suggested break final.
So now that my Dom found someone He might want to own, nobody else would understand it better than I do as to why He needs a break from our sessions. And I respect Him immensely that He didn’t let it come to the point where He would struggle to concentrate during sessions before letting me know of His situation. Cos that was what I did to my first Dom, and I regret doing it. My first Dom deserved more respect from me. And I can’t be more grateful for my Dom’s respect for me.
Okay, I told you, long ass intro. My apologies again. So why do I tell you all about that emo stuff, other than I want it out of my head. Because my Dom finding someone got me reaching a conclusion. He found someone even if He wasn’t really looking, that sexy lucky bastard. Okay, I have had the thought in my head, that maybe the whole Owner wanted thing, I had approached it in a completely wrong angle. I always think that girls who actively look for a man to be their husband and a father of their future children, my opinion of them: bitches must be crazy. But I did the same crazy bitch move when I actively looked for an Owner, didn’t I now? Considering how much I ‘required’ from my future Owner. I was placing an immense amount of pressure on any Dom crazy enough to attempt to approach, at the same time I was pressuring myself too to make it work. That I had to make it work. It was truly a miracle of some sort that my Dom and I went through all that and came out of it in one piece both, and still are on speaking terms. So the conclusion I was talking about, this is the most awkward transition if I ever see one, to my first obsession of the week:
1. New approach
As to how I would proceed the whole Owner wanted business. Instead of it being the first words I utter to every Dom I encounter, it’s now my endgame. It is my goal to eventually find an Owner. Like I want to someday get married. But I will stop eyeing every Dom for Owner material. I will try go with the flow. I am terrible at that though but I’ll try. I will concentrate on finding nice Doms who are fun to be around with, who can teach me things, with whom I am compatible with kinkwise. And if I find ‘the one’ in the process, then great. But instead of forcing myself to find the one like I’m in a pants-on-fire hurry, I am going to concentrate on being ‘the one’ myself. Aka I’m going to concentrate on improving myself. And have faith that the ultimate reward will come eventually. And as for these possible new encounters, my dear readers, you would be among the very first to know. 😉
God! Enough emoing. On to lighter topics, shall we? 🙂