I read an article from my local paper of things that couples fight about on holidays since summer holiday is coming. Trivial stuff like what to eat, where to eat, financial things, kids, exes, etc etc. It all sounded incredible to me. As in if I’m lucky enough to go on holidays with someone I love, why would I argue about things that don’t even matter? Not really. I know, it’s easy for me to say and I do have to go onto memory lane and think about what it was like on holidays, or otherwise when I was in my previous long-term relationships. While I’ve had many sex partners, I’ve only been in two long-term relationships. First one was during my college time, and it ended because I trusted my gut, the second one ended a couple of years ago, and it didn’t end earlier because I didn’t trust my guts. I know it’s Kinky Wednesday, but I don’t have nothing kinky in mind. It’s going to be storytime. Stories about how you really should learn to trust your gut in relationships. It’s a rather heavy topic but I will lighten things up with passive aggressive memes. :E
Boyfriend number one I met when it was the first year in college and I was with him the whole time I was in college. Talk about the best party time wasted. Now looking back, me being a Chinese must have been the big thing for him to be with me. I don’t mind people having yellow fever, it’s my niche. 😛 But I don’t think he liked me for me. The most prominent thing I remember of him was that he made me feel like a piece of shit. We would fight and he would accuse me of never listening to him because I didn’t remember him telling me his feelings. And I believed him. Well, later turned out (he confessed later) that it wasn’t me being forgetful, he just tried to distract me from seeing what was really going on (and that was him cheating on me with his ex). I had no idea whatsoever. I felt so bad about myself, I really thought that I was a bad girlfriend for forgetting and not listening. And I even felt worse when it was me who decided to break up. When I made my decision back then, I had no idea at all why. Seemingly I had no reason at all. I just knew that I wanted to break up with him. I felt the worst when after the break-up I wasn’t even sad. In fact, I was the happiest that I had ever been. My friends told me that I positively glowed. I guess I did on the outside, but inside I felt like I was the worst human being in the world. Did I actually feel great for hurting someone else for no good reason? I didn’t know back then but now looking back, I guess I carried some of that guilt with me to my next relationship. I didn’t feel that I deserve more.
Along came boyfriend number two, and we were together almost five years, and we were even engaged and bought an apartment together. I chose to ignore everything my gut was trying to tell me from the beginning. I defended him fiercely. He said that he had been used by previous girlfriends so he didn’t like to do things for others cos he would feel used. So I tried my best not to ask him for help. He wouldn’t give me rides to and fro if I could get there with less than three different public transportation. He would tell me to pack less luggage if I couldn’t manage to carry them by myself. There were lots of small things like that, and I defended him in front of my friends and parents and most of all in my own head. Of course, they molded me into a very independent woman. I didn’t feel comfortable asking for help. Even if I couldn’t do it myself.
While reading the holiday fighting article, I could recall the last holiday he and I were on about six months before we broke up. We were at this great little village at Sweden, it was a skiing resorts during winter, we were there during the hottest summer time and the green mountains and the shallow river that ran through the village was gorgeous and refreshing. But during that whole week I was there with him I felt off. He pointed out that I was being. It was this deep exhaustion, and all I wanted to do was sleep all day. I told him that I must be homesick. I should’ve realized that I felt homesick because I didn’t feel like I was at home with him anymore. I didn’t want to get away from that enchanting village, I wanted to get away from him, from the doomed relationship, from the person I had become when I was with him. He turned me into this practical person, cold even. Someone who didn’t know how to be affectionate, someone who wouldn’t help others without feeling used. Except that my gut knew the last one was not true at all. I’m the kind of girl who is extremely loyal, once you get me on your corner, I would more mountains for you stone by stone even without you asking. So that girl in me just simply couldn’t understand how a man I was with could be so… calculative and cold. It might be because I was so afraid of not trying hard enough and hurting my ex-fiance like I did my first boyfriend that I held on for so long and so hard. Finally, he was the one who broke up with me.
It’s been over two years now since that relationship with him. And it took me a long time that I finally feel good with myself. It took willpower to try to be the person I want to be without feeling I’m being used or selfish or bad or dishonest. It took Sir Atticus to show me that I can be nice and affectionate and eager to help too, because he is very nice and affectionate and helpful. It made me a little sad that I am so utterly grateful whenever I get help. Or affection. I still feel very uncomfortable asking for it but I’m getting better at it. 😛
So in conclusion, never ignore your gut feelings! Don’t let anything or anyone stand in your way of becoming the person you really want to be. Don’t let your parents or friends or society tell you what and when you need to get things done. Don’t let anyone turn you into someone you don’t recognize from the mirror. Be brave, be bold, be anything you want to be and strive to be everything you want to be. Remember, you are the only one you have to be with for the rest of your life, be sure you are someone you love to be with. 🙂 And for those who wish to change someone else, I’m sad to say that you are the only one you can change. And for all the single ladies and gents out there, don’t focus so much on finding the one, focus on being the one.
Alright, enough preaching. 😀 I try to write something kinky next week. 😛