Okay, I know it’s Foodporn Monday, but since it’s this thing I’ve got myself into for the next 30 days, I guess I should write about it. First, I want to tell my story about my body image of myself, my struggles with my weight and my relationship with food.
For as long as I remember, my self-image is one of utter nonchalance. I don’t remember ever having a strong opinion of what I looked in the mirror. I remember being excited when my tits started to grow, but that was because they gave me more to play with while masturbating. Looking back at old photos and stuff, I can objectively say that I was pretty thin but not as thin as my Asian mom would like me to be, so I was constantly told that I could have a smaller tummy etc. My mom is a freaking bully. XD But all she really did was delay me from developing a healthy goal for my own body. I knew I wasn’t big by any standard, but I still got a little confused cos my mom said I was but what she said was not enough to make me do much about it.
Then I was diagnosed with scoliosis, the S-shaped, so from the age 11 through 14, I wore this hard plastic corset daily in order to prevent my spine from getting more crooked. Just one degree shy from a prescription that would’ve landed me on the surgery table, I stopped growing. Which meant my spine would also stop getting more crooked. So practically, the most crucial years for the development of a body image, well in those years I didn’t have to even think about my body in any way. The plastic corset shielded me from all of it, my waist was tiny then. Just as I hit 15, it felt like I could finally start growing. I have naturally wide hips, and I love my more-than-a-handful boobs and wide round ass. And because I knew to stop growing just in time to avoid surgery, I love my humble 160 cm (5’3′) in height too. And because I had no opinion of what kind of body I would like for myself, it took me very very long to start working for it.
The first time I remember that I felt a bit self-conscious about my body was a summer fling of a boyfriend who mentioned that I should work a bit to make my ass smaller. After the initial shock and questioning myself if I really have a big ass, I turned defensive. I was like ‘Oh hell no, he didn’t’. I love my big round ass. My ass looked spectacular in jeans and dresses. It was very easy to dismiss his attempt to change me according to his preferences because I didn’t care about him that much. But when I got together with my ex, stuff got serious. I fell in love with him, and therefore his opinions meant the world to me. When I met him, I weighed 68 kg (about 150 pounds), which was a bit overweight according to the BMI chart. But I didn’t feel like it. In the almost five years time that I was with him, I put on 20 kg. It was slowly but surely. It was almost no good choices and many bad choices. It was him telling me I was turning into a big girl and that he couldn’t lift me up anymore and other comments like those that were disguised as worry. But still, he kept eating the same food as I did and worked out as little as I did. He would question if I was an emotional eater. I joined a gym and tried to eat healthy, but it was almost impossible doing it alone when you live with someone who wasn’t that supportive. And I was doing it all wrong. I tried to do it for him, but it didn’t work. Remember this – you will never succeed if you aren’t doing it for yourself.
During that time, when I looked into the mirror, I saw someone I still loved to death and I knew I saw myself more beautiful than he ever saw me. Which was pretty sad. Instead of making me feel wanted and sexy and pretty, he made me question myself if I was all of those things. I didn’t need the validation, but I still wanted it. I hated that he made me doubt myself, I hated that he made me look. So it was weeks before he and I officially broke up, something just clicked inside of me. I was tired of feeling like shit, like I wasn’t enough. And I was constantly exhausted, I got tired of the tiniest of exercises. It was then that I decided that I would start getting healthy. Not for my mom, my summer fling or for the man that used to be the love of my love, but for me. Solely, only for me. I joined the gym and worked out five days a week. In few weeks after I joined, he and I broke up, and the exercise saved my life. I had something to focus on. I still give it a lot of credits that I got over the break-up as fast as I did because I worked out. And for one year, I worked out in the gym 3-5 times a week. After that, I switched to the FitnessBlender.com programs cos gym was getting boring (and expensive). And a couple of days ago, I finished one year of FitnessBlender workouts at home 4-6 times a week. I love the muscles in my thighs and calves I developed in two years of hard work and I can’t wait to get more lean muscles.And there I was, at my 30s, finally deciding that I want to be healthy looking and muscular. I want others to see me as I see myself, a kitten who saw herself as the lion from the mirror, a freaking awesome gal who despite of her being tiny can absolutely kick your ass. 😛
Here is another thing you have to just accept, in order to get healthy and stay healthy – you will have to work out 3-6 times a week for the rest of your life. No way around it. Sure, you can plan for doing a 3-9 month program and lose a lot of weight, but in order to keep the weight off, you have to have an active lifestyle. But if you are like me, who hates most sport, then you just have to suck it up and find the least disgusting form of exercise and just do it. For me, it’s different exercises every day thanks to web pages like FitnessBlender (not sponsored btw 😀 ), and it’s always in the morning, cos I can’t deal with working out any other time of the day.
And then a few words about my relationship with food. One word actually: foodie. I love good food. Emphasis on the word ‘good’. That’s why I’ve never done any diet for real. I don’t like restrictions. But after working out for two years and still not achieving the level of stamina, flexibility and strength that I want to achieve, I have to have a talk with my inner foodie. She refuses to let go of taste and I agree with her. But I convinced her that we can’t continue to do stuff half-way. It’s all in or nothing. And like answering our prayers, Whole30 announced its existence. And I guess it really appealed to my inner submissive, because of all those rules. 😛 There are a dozen of stuff on the no-no list, most prominent ones being sugar, grains, dairy and alcohol. I like that they didn’t advertise themselves as a ‘diet’. It is for 30 days, but its goal is to give me a taste of what it feels like to eat that clean. Just like with working out, I don’t believe in having a 30-day diet to change everything. It’s not going to. I treat this 3o days as a reset button. After that, it’s eating healthy the rest of my life.
I never said that it’s going to be easy. Nothing in life that’s worth your while is going to be easy. But ultimately, it’s a choice. Your choice. You will only find, get and be what you think you deserve by giving it your absolutely best. So in short, do it for yourself, do it all the way, do it for the rest of your life.