Emo Attic

If I’d Asked…

I always say that I’m an open book, but I only like to share the good. All of the negative things, I keep inside. The fear, the insecurities, the frustration, the desperate desires. Because everyone hates a person who doesn’t say ‘I’m fine’ when being asked ‘how are you?’. Nobody really cares, most people are nice just to be polite. No one wants to hear your bad news, they got enough problems themselves, right? I don’t want worry people, I don’t want to trouble people. And asking for help? Out of the question. I can do it myself, I can deal with it myself. Right?

In the world of over-sharing in this day and time, I only share positive things. So whenever I momentarily run out of positivity, I just shut up. I stay quite. I disappear. Would it help if I talk about it? I don’t know, maybe. But talking means I have to get it out of me in understandable sentences, instead of it just being a feeling in me. Maybe that’s why I write. I’m much better at writing.

Because of all that, although I might seem like an open book, I guess I’m a tough nut to crack. I don’t share the negative stuff, even if I long for someone to pry them from me, because… they are part of me, along with the positive stuff. And I don’t like to ask for things, because… I’m submissive to my core, it takes a lot for me to ask for something. And I can’t seem to shake the belief that if someone wants to give me something, if they think I deserve something, wouldn’t they then give it to me without me asking? That’s why I don’t ask. But sometimes I would wonder, all those relationships past and present…

Would he have liked me, if I’d asked?

Would he have taken me on dates, if I’d asked?
Would he have hold my hand on the street, if I’d asked?

Would he have hugged me, if I’d asked?
Would he have kissed me?
Would he have stayed the night, if I’d asked?

Would he have stayed for breakfast the night after, if I’d asked?
Would he have wanted to see again next day?
Would he have wanted to see more?
Would he have wanted to see me everyday, if I’d asked?

Would he have wanted to meet my friends, if I’d asked?
Would he have wanted me to meet his friends?
Would he have invited me to parties and drinks?
Would he have wanted just to hang out and do absolutely nothing?
Would he have wanted me more, if I’d asked?

Would he have traveled with me, if I’d asked?
Would he have moved in together with me?
Would he have proposed?
Would he have married me, if I’d asked?

Would he have put me first, if I’d asked?
Would he have cared more?
Would he have worked harder for us, if I’d asked?

Would he have given it all, if I’d asked?
Would he have loved me, if I’d asked?

Would he have stayed, if I’d asked?

If I ask, would he stay…

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One thought on “If I’d Asked…

  1. The line between what we feel capable of expressing and what we actually want/need can feel so far apart it can make you ache. It resonates with me as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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