Like I’ve mentioned in last Wednesday’s post, I started a reading task. I was to read one chapter a day from the Sleeping Beauty trilogy written by Anne Rice. They are advertised being dark and erotic, some put them into the hardcore BDSM category. Around I week ago I began reading the first book, ‘The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty‘. Or it’s a reread for me, cos I’ve read it back in 2011 summer, way before I began dipping my own toes in the water of BDSM. So I expected the reading experience to be quite different and I was right. I recognize the fetishes, the gestures and the importance of training a submissive and a slave, the lessons in submission and surrender, and tasks to chip away the pride and ego, the significance of repetition. All that I thought was odd or made me feel uncomfortable the last time I read the first book, they would now make me smirk a little. The only thing that made me uneasy was Sleeping Beauty’s involuntary slaving. She didn’t choose to be a slave, she was claimed by the Prince and offered by her own parents for slave training. Of course, this is only fiction, and it is set in the time gone by, during which castles and kings and slaves were everyday life. It still feels odd sometimes, while some pages would so strongly reflect my own feelings and musings when interacting with Dominants, but then some sentences would remind me that this is basically a story of kidnapping and a text-book case of Stockholm Syndrome. I’m going to write book reviews in more details later. Today I’m here to talk about the feelings, memories and thoughts that the Sleeping Beauty awaken in me. Feelings, memories and thoughts about pride, ego, humiliation and a lesson in surrender.
In some sense, I’m just like Beauty. She found herself in a sticky situation, forced to submit and found herself ashamed for enjoying all the despicable things that are done to her, she didn’t have other choice but to submit to her Prince. Sometimes I also feel like I don’t have a choice but to submit, because being a submissive is not a choice for me, it is something I need to do in order to feel complete. If it’s a choice, I would definitely choose not to be a submissive, I would choose to enjoy vanilla sex. But since that choice is out of the question, there is really no point to mull over it too much. I am what I am. For this post today, I’ve read some of my old posts and couldn’t help but notice how proud I was. One of the biggest reason why it was so hard to break me was that I was holding on to my own control. No one could make me submit completely, including myself. I had my pride and my ego, and I wasn’t willing to let go of them before someone makes me.
So this is how I feel right now, I could be wrong too. It is very challenging to claim and train a brand new submissive if there was not enough commitment from the Dominant/Master side. Both of my first Doms were my session partners only, we didn’t interact much outside out sessions. All that was driving me to submit to them was my own willingness to try and do so. And I was as committed as they were, which wasn’t that much in the end. And because there wasn’t interaction outside sessions, aftercare was limited to the odd tens of minutes after each session, and for that very reason, subconsciously I wasn’t willing to surrender all of myself. I’m not saying I am completely against session partner arrangements, for someone else they might be the best solution. But for me, it surely wasn’t. I am pretty needy. I’ve learned that in order for me to comfortably and completely submit myself to someone, I need to be sure. I need to be certain that if I let someone break me into pieces, that someone would also build me back up. And during my session partner arrangement days, I was still too proud to admit that most of the time, I was the one that collect the pieces and made myself whole again. And that wasn’t something that was healthy for me or what I want.
I remember the time before I met Sir Atticus. How I craved to be broken, but I didn’t know how dangerous it was to wish for that with session partners. And I do remember several occasion, when I was truly broken, but I didn’t surrender for them, not completely. There was the first time I was caned, it was a punishment and it was the combination of pain and the need to redeem myself. Then there was the time I was broken with humiliation, it was the mixture of sensory overload and the blatant feeling of rejection. The last time, was a deep sense of abandonment after the worst caning I’ve ever experienced, and that marked the end of my session partnership arrangements. I didn’t realize that I had made the decision for it to be the last time until later, because I met Sir Atticus pretty much right after and it took me longer than usual, weeks, to process it all. With Sir Atticus, it was different right from the beginning. I don’t only crave to be broken, I wanted to be broken by Him. I didn’t experience doubt, or fear, or uncertainty. I’m not only willing to surrender, I felt safer than ever to do so. Me submitting has always been freeing, but being without fear of abandonment and rejection, it makes surrendering truly liberating.
I sometimes think about how I would have turned out if I had sought out a Master and not a Dominant to train me in the beginning. Someone who would’ve taken it upon themselves to break me, first thing on their to-do-list being systematically stripping my ego and tearing up my pride. Someone who would’ve broken all of me except my spirit. I wonder if I would have been scared off from having anything to do with BDSM again or whether I would have evaded all the insecurities and uncertainty I still sometimes feel nowadays. I guess all of us, when we meet someone we really like, we would wish to have more of ourselves to offer them, a less broken version of ourselves with innocence still intact. But I also know, I am more than the sum of my past. And all that happened to me made me who I am, and I am the submissive He chose to claim, despite of all that happened. I can’t really complain, can I? 🙂
Before this gets too mushy, it’s a good place to end the post. For something naughty and/or kinky, see you back here next Wednesday. Until then, stay kinky! 😉