Emo Attic

What Am I, part 3

So this is the emo post I promised before. The recent happenings between me and Sir Atticus got me thinking about a lot of things, one of them being myself and what made me the person I am today. So I decided it was time to write part three to ‘What Am I?’ I went back to read part two, which was written almost a year ago. I was so sad back then, angry even, being in a D/s arrangement that I couldn’t get all that I wanted but I wasn’t wise enough to stop wanting. Fast-forward one year, I guess I’m exactly the same, not wise enough to stop wanting. But reading part two also made me realize how much more Sir Atticus gave me compared to anyone else before Him. And it also made me realize what a needy little slut I am, that still, I keep wanting more… I feel that I need to yet again remind myself of the things I promised myself that I would try with all my might to be and do cos those promises were the ones that molded me into what I am today. Let me start from the beginning.

I have always had a very active imagination, you kind have to have to keep yourself entertained when you are the only child. I always liked my active mind, in fact it’s the one of things about myself that I like the most. So understandably it freaked me the fuck out when something threatened to shut it down for the first time. I was fifteen. The reasons that triggered the shut-down sound so silly now, but what are we if not silly at the age of fifteen. I don’t even remember all of the reasons, I must have been stressed, everything in life was about to get hard. High school was about to start, I felt like I couldn’t be a kid much longer anymore. The guy I liked, he liked someone else. I had yet to figure out my identity, what it meant to be a Chinese in an European country. As I said, silly reasons. But all of the silliness combined, I fell into a depressed period. I can’t recall just how many times I thought that how easy it would be to just open my bedroom window and jump from the fourth floor. Even suicidal thoughts didn’t scare me as much as the one feeling that I despise the most: I was numb. Nothing felt like anything. I couldn’t feel anything. I guess that’s what happens when your brain and heart couldn’t take it anymore, they would just shut down.

What jerked me back awake… well, not what, it was a who. It was my idol back in the days, a singer and actor from Hong Kong named Nicholas Tse. It was more of a right timing kind of thing, he happened to be there and he happened to say the right words at the right time. I remembered seeing an interview of his, in which he told the told with the youthful passion, that you just have to appreciate what you have, enjoy the now, know what you want and fight for it, learn what you want to be and work for it, because there’s just one chance, one life, so make it count. As I said, nothing terribly special, just your regular inspiring words. But it came from someone I paid attention to. His words registered in my numb foggy brain. And I repaid his words with ten years of active worship. I was there cheering for him, when others almost boo’ed him off the stage. Not because he couldn’t sing, but because everyone felt he had it easy being a famous actor’s son. I cheered for him through the booing to when he won the best album in every major award show with music that he wrote himself. His sheer determination and passion for music and life still inspires me to this day.

I decided to try his advises. I practically forced myself to do all the things he said, I focused on the good things in my life and I actively spent time to appreciate them. I exaggerated everything that surrounded me, I laughed harder at comedies, I smiled more at the littlest things, I got myself excited about everything and anything. I was so determined to make it count. Slowly but surely, the depression lifted. I learned two things about myself from that period of my life: one, my decisions can be very powerful, two, there is nothing in life that I’m more terrified of than I am terrified of being numb. And the worst thing about being numb, once it had taken hold of you, it would never truly completely go away…

I hadn’t beat the numbness, I know I would never beat it. From the age of fifteen, it has been an ongoing fight. I refuse to let it dictate how I live my life. Some days are easier, some days are nearly impossible. I have a constant fear of not feeling anything. That’s why I’m a thrill chaser, I’m a passionate person, I get excited easily and I adopt obsessions left and right. I remember the first I met Sir Atticus, we visited a store to buy a bottle of wine and the cashier did this really cool trick, flipping coins in the air and catching them before giving the change to the customer, and I got ridiculously excited about it, and Sir said ‘easily impressed, are we?”. And that’s exactly it, I am easily impressed. What He doesn’t know is that how much work I did to become bubbly and passionate and excited about everything. I literally faked it till I made it. First it was forcing myself to feel, then it became letting myself feel all the good and the bad too, cos feeling the bad and sad things was better than not feeling anything. Once I opened myself up for everything, I couldn’t close myself back up. I went from feeling nothing to feeling strongly about everything. It’s a well-honed skill, over 17 years in practice. There were a few times that I almost lost the battle. I’m working on it constantly, cos I know the second I let myself, the numbness, it will come back. And I’m not sure I can get out of it the second time…

So. That’s why I watch a lot of movies, I listen to all kinds of music, anything that makes me feel something, I read, I love horror cos fear is a powerful feeling. I cry hard, I laugh hard, I feel deeply and I’m grateful for every quickened heart beat that the world offers me. I love my friends, I love my parents and I don’t ever hesitate to fall in love, cos love is the strongest feeling of them all. I much rather to fall and get hurt than never falling again. I’m not telling you it’s easy. Oh no. Being numb is easy. But I’ll be damned if I would let this life, what might well be the only life, the only chance I have, goes to waste.

So what am I? I am an adrenaline junkie. I am here to feel. I am passionate. I am prone to obsessions. I am a moth flying straight into the flame, because burning up gloriously for just one second is better than being cold for all eternity. And I am in love with Sir Atticus, because in addition to being the kindest and the most caring and awesome  and funny person I’ve ever known, He also makes me feel so much, things I’ve never felt before. Just by being near Him, I don’t need to work for not being numb. With Him, I could just relax and feel.

So I decided that I would just enjoy the time that I have with Him, however long it’s going to be. He had said that He wished He could give me some kind of guaranty. I don’t want guaranty. There is never any guaranty that things will work out. Like Gretchen said in “You’re the worst” TV show, if love is a promise, it’s only a promise to try really really hard. And I think that is the only promise and guaranty one could ever give to anyone, including themselves, and that is to try really really hard. In love, in life and in everything you do.

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