Recently, I came upon this little list that was titled “10 reasons masturbation is better than sex“. It’s written by a woman, and my first reaction after reading the list is “oh guuuurl, you’ve been having some shitty sex”. 😛 And just yesterday I watched a silly Youtube video about celebrities who are allegedly bad in bed and the two main issues causing complains were the size and laziness. And recent studies indicated that millennials are having less sex and I can’t but wonder why. In this age and time, when all the knowledge for a good sex life is basically on the tips of everyone’s hands, with Internet and every cosmopolitan-like magazines giving out step by step guides, shouldn’t people be having more sex than ever? Since it should be that good? On the other hand, when was the last time any Cosmopolitan sex guide was actually useful?
Say what you will about us kinksters, us submissives and Dominants, Mistresses and Masters, sadists and masochists, littles and Daddys/Mommys, pets and Owners, the endless list goes on, one thing we do know how to do, and that is have some fucking awesome sex. So what is our secret? 😛 No, it’s not the whips and chains. The awesomeness of our sex lives aren’t built on equipment and pain and rules and punishment. Well, not just on them. 😉 With myself just recently came over to the dark side and given up on vanilla sex altogether, I can clearly see certain things that I wasn’t doing when vanilla sex was all that I had. I am not saying that these are going to apply on everyone, but I’m here to help. 😛 It’s written for fun, and if some of these ‘tips’ actually helps, then what’s better than that, right? I’m not trying to make you have kinky sex, if that’s not your thing, although we do hand out trophies for each person we turn onto the dark side. XD So here we go, a kinkter’s guide for better sex.
1. Let’s talk about sex, baby
So are you one of those who does it but doesn’t talk about it? One of the biggest difference between kinksters and vanillas are that we kinky people talk a lot about sex. We kinda have to, cos our plays can get a little dangerous. But why non-kinksters don’t talk about sex? It’s such an entertaining topic to discuss over the dinner table. Many people are sensitive about the skillz, I’m well aware of that. But the fact that I don’t like certain things doesn’t mean you are doing them wrong. There is no right or wrong in sex per se, as long as it’s safe and consensual. Don’t just talk about sex in the beginning, talk about it all the time. Our tastes change, our preferences change. And maybe you’re in the mood for something different. Treat sex like dinner when it comes to talking about it. I bet you don’t only talk about your favorite things to eat just in the beginning and then never talk about what you want to it now, right? You will talk about it every time you get hungry or in anticipation for the hunger. Some dinners needs preparation. 😉
As to how to talk about it. I’ve heard some girls complain that whenever they talk about sex with their boyfriends, the men would get defensive. And for some reason I’ve never heard guys complain. XD Well, my advice is, it’s all about how you bring something up. “I really really like you to fuck me from behind” is a much better way to say it than “Can we do something else than missionary all the time?” It’s all about the delivery. Don’t complain, offer solutions. Don’t say ‘I don’t like this and that’, instead say what you like. It’s all about being positive and progressive. 🙂 *puts a flower crown on my head*
2. Does next Wednesday six pm work for you?
Oh you’ve heard this one before from movies and magazines. That scheduling your sexy time is like the building a tombstone for your sex life. It’s the killer of spontaneity. While I do like to be spontaneous, I don’t see anything negative about scheduling either. As much as I like the element of surprise, I equally love the anticipation. And I find it easier to prepare for it. Like if I know there is going to be high probability that I’m going to have sex on Wednesday, I would think about it and not masturbate for a few days just to drive myself up the wall, so when the day comes, I would be very eager for it. There is really nothing wrong with scheduling for sex, I think it has more to do with what you’re doing during your scheduled occasion.
3. It’s called a job for a reason
There is another one you’ve surely heard before, that you should not treat sex as a chore. It shouldn’t feel like work, but you sure as hell should work for it. Laziness must be one of the most common complain from both men and women about their partner when it comes to poor sex. Chemistry goes a long way, and sexual compatibility too, but a mutual beneficial sex life is behind lots of effort. You have to be ready to work for it, and be sure that your partner too. I’m not talking about the pleasure part, that comes naturally. I’m talking about the other stuff surrounding the pleasure bits. Make time for it, focus on the job at hand, be present and treat it as a good workout. Proactive, that’s the word. 😀
4. Practice makes progress
Here’s a thing that I find strange. If you want to get very good at something, like basketball, you would train a lot, right? And in addition to practice a lot, you won’t keep doing the same thing over and over again, right? I mean, like some cheesy quote I found online, you don’t practice until you get it right, you practice until you can’t get it wrong. Well, the same thing goes with sex. You need to do it a lot, and you need to constantly evolve. You won’t get good, unless you are getting to practice and are ready to adjust your technique accordingly. No one was really born to be a good laid.
5. It’s about the journey
Do not stress about the big O. Sex shouldn’t really be just about getting off. Wouldn’t it be quite boring that way? If an orgasm is the only reason you are having sex, than maybe you should just rub one off. Don’t worry too much about that you have to make the other person come, just enjoy yourself. But don’t worry about making yourself come either, just be in the moment. Enjoy the journey, forget about the destination.
6. Toys aren’t just for kids
I’m not saying toys are a must for a good sex life, but I do strongly recommend them. I know some men might be a little sensitive about having to ‘compete’ with some plastic toy, I can assure you, they have yet to come up with any toy that’s better than the real deal. And a tip for the ladies, if your man is threatened by the idea of including a toy in the bedroom, choose something non-threatening. Some toy that doesn’t penetrate anything, like a egg/bullet vibrator instead of a penis looking dildo. Start from something simple to use.
7. Go ahead and love yourself
I’m giving it to you straight, self-consciousness is like poison to a good sex life. And most of the time, it seems to bother us ladies more than men. We often look at ourselves a way more critically than men look at us. Let’s just turn it around for a little bit. If I like someone and I desire them, I really don’t care what they look like underneath their clothes. They can be hairy, hairless, too skinny or with a beer gut, six-packs or dad bod, I really can’t care less. I know I want them and that’s pretty much it. So do you think men actually even notice, not talking about minding, that after the clothes come off, that you have a tummy, stretch marks, one boob slightly bigger than the other or even shaved legs. I can already here some ladies yelling out there ‘but I care that I have a tummy/stretch marks/etc. My motto is, don’t complain if you aren’t ready to work for the solution. I didn’t like the extra kilos I have, so I work out hard 5-6 times a week. I don’t like hair on my lady parts, so I go get waxed every month. I still have a tummy, but the fact that I am doing something about it made me not hate myself for it. Of course, I still have the so-called fat days when I feel huge. Then I would put on a corset, I would put on some make-up, I would make myself look and feel sexy. And that is the little trick. When you made yourself feel sexy, you are going to look freaking sexy to your partner. Go ahead and love yourself.
8. Let it go, let it go
There are many rules and norms and bullshit that the society and culture and religion teach us about sex. I want you to let them all go. There are only three things you need to remember for whatever concerning sex, three words that are also the mantra of us kinksters: safe, sane and consensual. Practice safe sex, go get tested for STDs regularly unless you’re monogamous, make sure your desires aren’t hurting no one, and make sure anything you do, it’s always consensual. Okay, a fourth thing, make sure it’s legal too. When you keep these four things in mind, the sky is the limit. Don’t let anyone stop you. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not okay to love more one person, or someone from the same sex, or that you like butt stuff and you are a man and not gay or bi, or that you like to dress as the opposite sex. You do you, boo. ❤
9. Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself – Anaïs Nin
To continue from the previous one, here’s an important note: Never be ashamed of what you want and need, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and that includes yourself. If you like to have a finger up your butt while you are having sex then let your partner know. If you like feet, or leather, or nipple clams, let him/her know. And let your partner know that he or she is free to tell you every little fantasy and desire that they have. Shame is not something that should exist in the bedroom. You like what you like, don’t be ashamed of what you are.
10. Down the rabbit hole
Last but definitely not least, if you are looking for something kinky to spice it up, I warmly recommend them. But before you jump down the rabbit hole, remember all the things that are on this list. Talk about the face slapping before you slap your partner on his/her face, learn about spanking and bondage techniques before you perform them. Don’t just go on choking anyone before you know what you’re doing. There is one thing though that kinksters practice and is absolutely safe for everyone to take on right off the bat: aftercare. It’s the period of time after sex, where you let your partner know that they are cherished, appreciated and that you care about them, in ways that come naturally. Like bring them a glass of water, snuggle with them, wash them in the shower, talk about nonsense, make them laugh, take a nap together, watch TV together, possibilities are endless. The point is, don’t let the sex be a release, make it into a little event. Lastly, don’t forget to have fun. 🙂
That’s it for this time, more naughty stuff coming next Wednesday. Until then, stay kinky! 😉