Happy Sunday! 🙂 Time for weekly obsessions. I am going to talk about the ‘session’ I had last Tuesday, but not until I get the nice stuff out of the way first. So patience, my young padawans.
But before I get into the nice stuff, a little change is going to be made concerning names. Since the beginning, I have just used ‘my first Dom’ and then for my play partner I used ‘my Dom’. But since I am looking for new play partner(s), it will gradually start to get a little confusing as to whom I am talking about. So I decided to give an alias to my Dom, from now on when I tell wild tales about Him, I will call Him Sir Sade. Yes, as in Marquis de Sade. I’m sure just like the Marquis himself, Sir Sade is probably going to remain one of my favorite sadists of all time. 😉
Anyhoo, let’s get on with my list of obsessions.
Now and then I will get a period of time when I would crave the spicy goodness that is Korean chicken stews. All week this week, two times I made the slightly different versions of the spicy chicken stew, the second time with creamy mozzarella cheese on top. The thing with cheese and Asian cuisine, they usually don’t go well together. Except with spicy Korean food. I used Korean chili flakes gochugaru that I had carried back to Finland all the way from China, cos I simply couldn’t find it anywhere in Finland. Plus Korean chili paste gochujang, some fish sauce, some sake and some mirin to marinade the chicken thighs. For maybe three chicken leg plus thighs, deboned, I used two tablespoons of each marinating ingredients. Maybe a little less fish sauce. I’m really bad with measurements. Then add chicken broth, cos after all it’s a stew. And depending how much sauce you want in your stew, add the broth accordingly. Choose a couple of veggies you like to put in there. The stew in the photo I used tofu, zucchini, mushrooms and cherry tomatoes. Then in the end you spread a generous amount of mozzarella cheese on top along with some coriander and broil the whole thing for as long as the cheese takes to melt and become golden. And don’t you dare make that healthy brown rice to go with chicken stew! This recipe requires white rice, preferably the stickier kind like sushi rice.
2. Fitness Blender half way through
Has it already been four weeks? Well, I am half way through my first 8-week training program of the year from Fitness Blender and it has been great. After the first two weeks, I don’t feel like I might die every time I move. 😀 That is improvement, right? 😛 Anyways, the last week of the training and I actually missed two days of training. Cos I was just too fucking tired, got a little something to do with Tuesday too. But next week, the second part of the training program begins and there is no space for slacking, because there are going to be six training days a week for the next four weeks. After that an one week off. Oh I can’t wait for that. 😀
3. Lucifer the new TV show
Okay, I have this obsessive fascination with angels in general. One of my favorite angels is Michael, fell for him in the most strangest of places, a manga series called ‘Angel Sanctuary‘. The manga version of Michael, he is the archangel of fire, had unruly red hair and an equally fiery temper. That’s why I love the name Michael, that’s why I name the male lead of my Mr Hunter stories Michael. But my all time favorite angle is however the Prince of Darkness himself, Lucifer, once God’s favorite child, the fallen angel, Satan, the Devil. I’m not very religious, so when I say favorite, I mean the Lucifer portrayed in pop culture. It was long due that the Devil gets his own TV show, and Tom Ellis is the perfect choice to play Mr Morningstar, perfect mix of evil, arrogance and drop-dead sexy. Please please please, let this show not suck and continue forevermore.
4. The Danish Girl
I went to see The Danish Girl on Friday. It was love at first sight. I looove Lili the first time I lay eyes on her. At the same time I was simply amazed that Eddie Redmayne could actually pull it off. Of all the movies Oscar nominated this year, I find the story of The Danish Girl most fascinating. I happen to know how it feels like when you can’t show the world the person that you are on the inside. And that how absolutely terrifying it is to be yourself and face judgement from others, from the world, or worse, from your loved ones. The Danish Girl is the story of an extremely courageous man. Eddie Redmayne’s Lili is, as Ulla in the movie put it, simply exquisite. And Lili’s eyes! They were mesmerizing. It might be because I am bi-sexual myself, that I don’t see the attractiveness of people based on their gender. Maybe that is why when I admired Lili on the big screen, played by a male actor with a deep masculine voice, all I could see was striking beauty and the vulnerability so well-portrayed that it was almost painful to look at. Eddie was not the only one good to look at, the wife portrayed by Alicia Vikander was also something else. She did the domineering part so well that, yes the subbie in me was all smitten with her. And the ending, there were hardly any women with dry eyes left in the theater, and I for one cried like a baby. Especially along the words “What I ever did to deserve love like that”… how could anyone’s heart not break into thousand pieces at that? Mine did. Although it’s highly unlikely that Eddie would win Best Actor again so soon after he won it just last year for the role of Stephen Hawking, I wouldn’t mind him winning for the role of Lili Elbe. Especially when I truly think that he was better as Lili than as Stephen. 😛
I apologize, this is going to one long rant.
On Tuesday, my nerves threatened to get the best of me. I was so nervous that I wanted to throw up and hyperventilate at the same time. It was completely crazy, to play with someone new that I just met a day earlier. But then again, I had my first session with Sir Sade on the same day we met and it turned out great. From the brief conversation this new guy (let us call him Tate) and I had on Monday, I gathered that he was the protector type, the type of Dominant that I am actually looking for. So I kinda rest assured that his Dominant side would be just like his regular self. I’m still not quite sure what kind of a Dominant he is, but he sure as hell didn’t choose to be the protective kind on the ‘session’ on Tuesday.
I prepared myself quite well on Tuesday after work. I put on my favorite corset, a pretty tiny black dress and a lacy see-through top. My boobs looked spectacular, even if I do say so myself. Tate was supposed to arrive at 5 pm, I was already ready to go at 4.30 pm. All that was left to do was hyperventilate all over Sir Sade again via texts. Sir Sade did manage to distract me from all that nervousness by asking me questions. Like whether I performed enema to which I replied no and that I didn’t have time on that day. Which was true but also I didn’t think Tate had earned his right to my ass just yet. Sir Sade did chide me just a little bit but then moved on to more questions. Like whether my pussy was ready to which I replied that the pussy is always ready. Whether my mouth was ready to which I said that too was ready. He then proceed to ask whether condoms were on the table and spanking instruments all lined up and availabe. At this point I was cracking up a little because He was so adorable when He was being attentive like that. Last but not least, He made sure that I remember to tell Tate my safewords (which was the common traffic lights, yellow meaning continue but not any harder, red meaning stop everything immediately). Thank you, Daddy. 😉 I told Him not to worry that this kitty would misbehave cos the kitty was pretty well-trained by the best. In retrospect, it might just be this drive to make Sir Sade proud that I managed not to lose it and smack the living daylight out of Tate within the first five minutes the ‘session’ began. And here is why.
If I had had the time to communicate with Tate more, then he would know that I was trained by two very similar Dominants. Both my first Dom and Sir Sade are so-called gentleman Doms. They never raised their voices, not even when punishing me, because they don’t need to. I obey to whispers readily. They were never rude, or unfair, and they never punished me for things I haven’t been taught how to do in the first place. Humiliation was never their main weapon to break me at first, as humiliation only works when someone knows me very very well. And they certainly never set out to make me do something and knowing that I would fail, or wanting me to fail. On the contrary, both of the Doms who trained me gave me as much as they did, whether it be tasks or pain or pleasure, because they both trusted that I could take it.
I still remember one of the very first lesson Sir Sade taught me. On our first session, when He told me to take off my clothes, and I did and I just dropped them on the floor. He came really close to me and whispered that from now on when I handle garments, be it mine or His, I was to always fold them neatly and put them to the place according to His orders. That first lesson was all that was needed. From that day on, I always fold my clothes and His neatly. That lesson is so effectively ingrained in my head that I would find myself folding my own clothes into a neat pile once in a while outside sessions too. Telling you this little story, I am trying to say that I am very receptive towards lessons. Every Dom has his own set of rules. Just because I am well-trained by one Dom, it’s quite unfair for another Dom to expect me to know every rule that there is to know.
So what Tate did, he didn’t whisper much. After giving me tasks like unbuttoning his shirt, he would then ask why I was being so slow, with a loud voice and before I could apologize for being slow he would then ask whether I don’t want to obey. First of all, if you haven’t set a pace as to how fast I do my tasks, do not fucking tell me I’m slow. I so didn’t feel like saying sorry, but I would go on and say it anyway cos I’m not fussy over something that small. But then he makes a fuss by asking ‘don’t I want to obey’, to which I wanted so much to say ‘now that you asked, then hell to the no’. He kept that same routine of being rude and unfair and so goddamn loud with varieties of different questions. Questions like (the bolded text was what went on in my head when he asked these):
“Did I give you permission to moan?” Well, you didn’t tell me I’m not allow to moan either.
“Why don’t you moan? Don’t you like me touching you?” Insecure little bitch, do you actually want to me lie that I like your touch right now?
There were a strings of tasks that were not very specific, and very unclear. Like he didn’t think them through and he gave orders on a whim. Like telling me to close my eyes but then would tell me to perform something that I really need to see in order to do. He would then tell me to open my eyes to do the task but then a minute later he would ask why were my eyes open… Yes, very fucking confusing. I couldn’t possibly keep track when were my eyes were supposed to be closed or open. Then there were impossible tasks like telling me to get him his glass of water from the table on my hands and knees, which I did, then he told me to take the glass back to where it was. When I did exactly what I did when I took the glass from the table, he would yell that ‘Did I tell you that you can lift your hands from the floor?’ And that I was to back up with the glass and then slide the motherfucking glass along the floor while both of my hands remain on the floor, and then just lamely leave the glass on the floor beside the table. Cos the man said no lifting my hands. *roll eyes*
So all those confusing stuff plus much more went on for maybe the first 30 minutes, felt longer though, and I knew that I could already kiss the subspace goodbye. There was no way in hell that I could even have fun. I was positively fuming and so fucking pissed. Then came the painful part, which I was so sure I could handle. But without even feeling like I was submitting, the pain felt so much worse than usual. Me and Tate didn’t have enough time to go through everything on my checklist beforehand, just the essentials like my hard limits. I had told him that nipple clamps were one of my hard limits cos I could hardly stand that kind of pain, and that my nipples are very sensitive by default. I’m not sure whether Tate forgot that I don’t like the twisty kind of pain on my nipples, or whether he did remember and took it as the motherfucking invitation. He almost solely concentrated on twisting, tucking, biting and rubbing my nipples. Plus spanking them with a crop. I lost count how many fucking times I said yellow concerning my breasts but he just kept coming back to them. Especially after I didn’t react much on the butt spanking with a crop and a flogger. Not that it didn’t hurt with the crop, he did hit very hard. But I was pissed during the spanking so he might as well break my skin, I would not make a sound or even breath faster. Yes, I wasn’t submitting, I was competing. And then about the flogger, he used it like an amateur, so it didn’t even hurt much.
Then came the forced deep-throat. I haven’t told him that I’ve been trained for deep-throat. He hadn’t ask either. So he just pretty much assumed that I could do it. Sir Sade did a little deep-throat training, He never minded me gagging, cos yes that is what you do when you’re not used to having a cock down your throat. Tate wanted me to master the deep-throat thingy right away, without gagging. Wow, really? Like I was gagging on purpose, cos you know, it is so much fun to feel like I’m about to throw up all over your fucking cock. During the whole deep-throat incident, I had a plastic zombie doll head in my hand as my safe word. So that I would drop it when I needed to stop. I dropped it quite many times. I didn’t even want to try to learn deep-throat, not with him. I didn’t even want to make an effort for him.
By the time he wanted to fuck me and he wanted me to want to fuck him, I just wanted to get it over with. So that I could have closure, so that I could learn my lesson of just how important communication was. I did blame myself for not communicating more. But I didn’t blame myself that Tate was acting like a fucking asshole pretty much the whole time. So, back to the fucking. While he was grunting away on top of me, and I was pretty much dry in my va-jay-jay, the whole lot of not submitting and all, he wanted to take a break. In the middle of fucking. He actually asked me whether I wanted to continue, to which I looked at him like he was a fucking lunatic. He actually understood where my thoughts were heading cos then he made a joke about ‘yeah, this just turned into vanilla sex’. Upon that joke, I burst out laughing so hard that I could hardly breath, all the anger and frustration leaking out of me. I was surprised at my own reaction. Maybe because he had no idea how right he was, that it pretty much felt like vanilla sex all the time. And that the whole situation was downright ridiculous. After that laugh, he actually stopped being a Dom altogether and fortunately less of an asshole too.
After the laugh, the ‘session’ turned into something quite bizarre. Kinky vanilla sex I guess. Lots of choking done wrong though cos my throat hurt days afterwards. It wasn’t the worst vanilla sex I’ve ever experienced, it was okay, but I was still dry in my pussy and all that humping broke it a little bit. I put up with it cos he actually made me laugh quite a bit. And he let me criticize everything that he did earlier, but upon every critic he would then kiss me really hard. Just to shut me up, I guess. And the whole kissing thing became quite annoying towards the end. My lips hurt for the next two days.
So it wasn’t a session. It didn’t feel like one when it happened, and it felt even less like one days after. Cos I got really annoyed with all the injuries. Like I used to when my body takes some damage after vanilla sex, I would just hate the bruises and marks. On Thursday, I noticed that I didn’t even look at my bruises from the mirror, let alone take photos of them like I usually do. I took one photo, and that was right after the session, I asked Tate to take a photo of my butt cos I wanted to see the damage. And later I sent that photo to Sir Sade because he wanted to see the damage too. But I was annoyed that I couldn’t go to my weekly masseur to tend to my neck and shoulders, cos my neck was so sensitive from all the choking done wrong. I was annoyed that I couldn’t do some of the workout cos I was too tired and my butt hurt too. It was quite funny though, cos sessions before always give me an extra energy boost to perform better in the gym, even right next morning after a brutal spanking. But this Tuesday thing, whatever it was, did the opposite, it drained all of my energy out of me.
Am I ever going to see Tate again, you ask. I think I at least own him one dinner or something so that I could truly go through all that went wrong on Tuesday. I am not sure if I want to give him another go. Cos during Tuesday, he did admit that he set out to make me fail, just to break my pride a little bit. So again, lack of communication. Cos I was ready to give him my submission, as a gift, although he hadn’t earn it yet. But instead of accepting the gift with grace, he tried to take it from me by force, I wasn’t in such a giving mood after that. So I’m not sure whether my subbie would ever be able to trust him again. But yes, dinner at least, so I could better put a lid on things. And after all, he did give me this whole story to rant about. Also, I learned a lot during this week, at least I won’t be as nervous playing with new people anymore. Cos I know now that I got this, now it’s just up to the new person whether he could bring it too. Tate also inspired me to write a check list about things that I need to discuss with a new person before playing next time. Things that I might taken for granted for so long cos I happened to have compatible play partners before. So I will write the check list next Kinky Tuesday. Until then, stay kinky. 😉