Nope, not Oreos. Although Oreos… hhmmmm. Not ocras either. Although sometimes as slimy. *giggle and eeew* Yes, I’m in a hysterical state. Something happened yesterday, and it’s so crazy cos stuff like that shouldn’t happen on a Monday. Okay, in short, Tinder, Dom, coffee and session today? o.O Yes I’m freaking the fuck out. No, it’s not a session with my Dom. Actually I hyperventilated a little all over Him on Whatsapp all day long. Okay, I really need to calm down. So yesterday around six pm, a Dom started to chat with me on Tinder. I was on my regular Monday mood, aka a severe patience deficiency with just a hint of bitchiness. So I just threw out all those big questions out there, maybe unconsciously trying really hard to turn him off. And here comes the scary part, he answered all of the questions ‘correctly’. Like his take on the ownership thing, the polyamory thing, the no-kid thing, the live quite close to me thing, the sadist thing… So basically, everything I once wrote on my “Owner Wanted” ad (remember this?), he is my fucking list. Then of course I couldn’t know if we would even get along, we haven’t met face to face yet, right? So he asked me out for a coffee, after 1,5 hour of chatting on Tinder. So roughly two hours after this guy started talking to me on Tinder, I found myself sitting in a cafe 10 minutes drive from my house, meeting up with this guy. My first impression was that he was taaaaall. Very tall. Turned out we both were huge movie freaks. Same kind of humor. He is funny, he thinks I’m funny. So the coffee went really well. Then of course, I wouldn’t know how well we would play each other, but I’m interested to try. Because of a hectic schedule we both have this week, it turned out last night that today is the only day possible. Therefore session today. And my last proper session was in November… I’m equal parts excited and scared shitless. Even in my standards, this is going way too fast. But at the same time, I really want to know whether we are compatible kinkwise. I’ll hit the breaks after that. Okay? Okay. *inhale, exhale, repeat*
Back to the business. Like Kinky Tuesday’s going to help distract me. But I might not be in the right mind to write this after the session which is going to be in THREE HOURS *scream* Okay, sorry, focus dammit.
So orgasms is today’s topic. I haven’t written one post focusing on the big O, but I might have talked about it here and there. But it’s quite a big deal in my life, always had, but might not be in the traditional sense. Like many sisters and brothers of kink, I started really early. I don’t recall exactly how I found out how to give myself an orgasm, but it wasn’t with my hand. I had never, and still don’t, felt much if I touch myself with my hands, I had always needed… tools. My very first masturbating ‘tool’ was my blanket. It was just a whole lot of rubbing. 😀 And I did that a LOT. Even after I started being sexually active I still used the blanket. My first man was also my first fuckbuddy, and our fuckbuddy relationship went on for six years, on and off. Not once did I have an orgasm during sex with him. But if you ask my dear ex-fuckbuddy, he would tell you that he got me off almost every time. 😀 Hey, I’m not perfect, don’t judge. I’m not proud of it, but I was in one point very good at pretending. Maybe a little proud. Just a tiny bit. Anyhoo…
When I went on college, I met my first long-term boyfriend. With him, I got my first orgasms with someone, but only via oral sex. I am not a fan of oral sex, not on the receiving end, so those orgasms were not completely effortless. They were, however, slightly better than the rubbing with the blanket ones. On the scale of 1-10, those blanket orgasms were ones. The oral orgasms with my first boyfriend, maybe threes, on a good day. After I broke up with him, I discovered girls’ best friend the vibrator. 😀 I got a tiny egg vibrator and I experienced some pretty intense orgasms. I still remember how the first time felt like. 🙂 But now in retrospect, they were only on like fours and fives.
Then I met my ex-fiance aka the ex I talk about on this blog from time to time. I further discovered more powerful vibrators and my ex didn’t mind using them during sex. I had to admit, having a vibrator on while having intercourse felt pretty good sometimes. But still, the problem was I had to work for it. Sometimes for a very very long time. But my ex loved long intercourse, like 40 minutes minimum (the penetration, not counting the possible foreplay), so in the beginning of our relationship it felt like a blessing.
But then it got gradually harder and harder for me to cum during sex. And he got gradually more and more obsessed with me cumming. If I didn’t cum, he would something along the lines like “It’s okay, you just don’t feel sexually attracted to me”. And for once, the saying “It’s not you, it’s me” is actually fitting. It wasn’t that I was not attracted to him, I wasn’t attracted to the sex he was providing. But I didn’t know that then.
Somewhere along the line I also lost my ability to pretend an orgasm. So I had huge performance pressure with my ex. I had to make myself cum almost every time we had sex, and we had a lot of sex. A lot of vanilla sex. It was the time I still had no idea whatsoever that I didn’t exactly enjoy vanilla. I do remember my reaction to my first time having sex was “that’s it?”. I had tried my best to make the best of it, and never have I tried as hard as I did when I was with my ex. During that five years I was with him, step by step sexual gratification and orgasms became two different things for me. Towards the end of the relationship those two things didn’t have anything to do with each other anymore. Sexual gratification became this mystical beast that I rarely even hear roaring. I did want to be sexually satisfied all the time, but I knew I didn’t want sex. At least not the kind I was having all of my life. Orgasms became extremely laborious for me. You would not know true pain (and this is coming from a masochist) unless you have forced an orgasm out of yourself after 40 minutes of sex acts that you didn’t even enjoy, with a man by your side urging you on and pressuring you, a man that you did love with all of your heart but at the same time you questioned why this supposedly love of your life was constantly hurting you. It wasn’t a happy time for me. After five years of that, I was deeply traumatized by forcing out orgasms. I don’t have any problems with myself, cos I never force myself to cum. But even after almost one year off that doomed relationship, I still have huge problems having orgasms when others are involved.
Luckily, both Doms I’ve played with are very understanding about this. My Dom has even managed to put some control into my orgasms. I have got better with counting to five before cumming. But it is still hard. And sometimes take a long time. Being satisfied and orgasms are still two different things for me. But orgasms are more fun now. After becoming a sessioning submissive, I have since been able to create earth-shattering orgasms for myself, with the help of my beloved vibrator Sandra. I’m talking sevens, eights, and nines. And when I say nine, I had either passed out from the force of an orgasm or squirted all over. I had never squirted in my life, before the year 2015, I didn’t even know I was capable of doing it. I would love to save the ten for when I will have a complete control over my orgasms. Or I mean, my future Owner would have complete control. I actually think the cumming on command thing is not that far-fetched and totally possible. I do hope I will get there some day.