Ugh, this is going to be one long intro, apologies for that. But I could hardly sleep last night thinking about a whole lot of stuff and I just have to write them out of my system in order to get peace of mind. And I will try my best to make this into semi-coherent text, cos it’s quite confusing in my head. On my Friday jukebox post I talked about the change in the relationship between my Dom and I. And I promised not to mope and I fully intended to do just that. But my mind had an agenda of her own, and she decided without my consent to go on a completely different direction. I found myself getting these extremely strong waves of panic-attack-like sadness time and again these past few days, nearly anything could be the trigger. And I recognize these feelings, cos I have felt them once before, more than a decade ago: I am in mourning.
More than ten years ago, when I was still in high school, I had this dear friend. She was beautiful with her long thick honey blonde hair that was always a mess and brilliant blue eyes, and truly a smile that brightened up the whole room. She loved pink and would wear all pink all the time. She was a cheerleader, a singer and she was the most popular girl in school. But the reason she was the most popular wasn’t because she had all the material to be a mean girl. On the contrary, she was the kindest person I know to this day. Her kindness is the genuine kind, just like she had no idea how beautiful she was, being kind was just the way she was.
In the second year of high school, she passed away. Suddenly. Without warning. Some sudden brain virus thing that was straight from a horror movie, but was so very real. It hit me hard. The teenage me was outraged and struck so forcefully by grief, I kept asking why her. There was so much evil in this world, why the universe had to snub out the one person in my life who was all good. Before she even reached 18 of age. I mourned that I never got to tell her how much I admired her. How much of a better person I was becoming because I had her in my life. She never lectured anyone, she never told anyone how they should be. She made a huge impact on everyone she met, she lead by example. I grieved that I didn’t get to say goodbye, I don’t even remember the last time we saw each other. It’s such a privilege and even a luxury to get to say goodbye, to see someone knowing it would be the last time you see them.
For over a month after her passing, I saw her everywhere and that panic-attack-like sadness would hit me like a brick. Even after so many years, it still gives me pause when I see a girl with long blonde hair. Even after all this time, I get emotional talking and thinking about her. Although she was no longer with us in her physical form, she was pretty much there every step of my life. Because of her, I fight it like crazy whenever I feel that the world and people in it threatens to turn me into a mean and bitter person. I try my hardest to be kind and positive, even if sometimes the world doesn’t deserve it. Because of her, I believe that hope is a powerful thing. Because of her, I believe firmly in mind over matter. And because of her, I constantly try with all my might to believe the best of people.
After her passing, I have tried to surround myself with people who have a positive effect on me, and cutting out people who would spread negativity. I have friends who make me feel like I belong, I have had passed relationships that taught me things about myself. But since her, I haven’t been able to find anyone who would make me into a better person. Until I met my Dom. All the kink aside, He is so many things that I am not. He is calm, annoyingly logical, fair, so very patient and about the nicest person I know. He is the sound of reason whenever I’m being unreasonable and I am that a lot. I truly think that He’s incapable of losing His temper like ever. So like I said, everything that I am not. And I admire Him like I did her. He became that someone in my life that just by being Himself makes me want to be a better person.
So, back to the why I am in mourning. Obviously, clearly He’s not dead. And I know for a fact that we would see each other again, cos He still has my massage pillow. XD It was just, for maybe one or two seconds, I thought I lost Him for good like I lost her, my mind went there. And something snapped in my stupid head that triggered the mourning process to begin very very very prematurely. This all feel so silly. But I decided that it is somewhat helpful, this break.
For the past six months, we had been a huge part in each other’s life. Of course, I was trying to look for an Owner and even went on dates with a couple of them. But none of them lead to sessions. In theory, and in my own head, I think I was capable of starting something new without taking a break with my Dom. But now that I really truly think about it, it is highly unlikely that it is possible. Cos I have experienced this before, haven’t I? I had regular sessions with my first Dom when I met my Dom now, and He was my first Owner candidate back then. And for a very short period of time I had two Doms. But then I found myself utterly incapable to be present during sessions with my first Dom. I was forced to tell my first Dom that I needed a break from our sessions so that I could get to know my then Owner candidate aka my Dom now. And it was my first Dom’s decision to make my suggested break final.
So now that my Dom found someone He might want to own, nobody else would understand it better than I do as to why He needs a break from our sessions. And I respect Him immensely that He didn’t let it come to the point where He would struggle to concentrate during sessions before letting me know of His situation. Cos that was what I did to my first Dom, and I regret doing it. My first Dom deserved more respect from me. And I can’t be more grateful for my Dom’s respect for me.
Okay, I told you, long ass intro. My apologies again. So why do I tell you all about that emo stuff, other than I want it out of my head. Because my Dom finding someone got me reaching a conclusion. He found someone even if He wasn’t really looking, that sexy lucky bastard. Okay, I have had the thought in my head, that maybe the whole Owner wanted thing, I had approached it in a completely wrong angle. I always think that girls who actively look for a man to be their husband and a father of their future children, my opinion of them: bitches must be crazy. But I did the same crazy bitch move when I actively looked for an Owner, didn’t I now? Considering how much I ‘required’ from my future Owner. I was placing an immense amount of pressure on any Dom crazy enough to attempt to approach, at the same time I was pressuring myself too to make it work. That I had to make it work. It was truly a miracle of some sort that my Dom and I went through all that and came out of it in one piece both, and still are on speaking terms. So the conclusion I was talking about, this is the most awkward transition if I ever see one, to my first obsession of the week:
1. New approach
As to how I would proceed the whole Owner wanted business. Instead of it being the first words I utter to every Dom I encounter, it’s now my endgame. It is my goal to eventually find an Owner. Like I want to someday get married. But I will stop eyeing every Dom for Owner material. I will try go with the flow. I am terrible at that though but I’ll try. I will concentrate on finding nice Doms who are fun to be around with, who can teach me things, with whom I am compatible with kinkwise. And if I find ‘the one’ in the process, then great. But instead of forcing myself to find the one like I’m in a pants-on-fire hurry, I am going to concentrate on being ‘the one’ myself. Aka I’m going to concentrate on improving myself. And have faith that the ultimate reward will come eventually. And as for these possible new encounters, my dear readers, you would be among the very first to know. 😉
God! Enough emoing. On to lighter topics, shall we? 🙂
2. Meal prep
Just look at the colors! 😀 I don’t like the kind of meal prep that make the whole dinners and lunches cos I really don’t like to eat the same stuff every meal. So instead, my version of meal prep is to chop up the healthy stuff so they are on hand anytime. Because I’m lazy. And lazy asses won’t eat healthily unless it’s all chop up and ready. And don’t fuss, I am NOT a vegetarian. I take my protein very seriously. I had two pounds of meat cooking in the oven when I took that photo. Meat lover for life. 😉
3. Books of 2015
The year 2015 was a poor book year for me. I concentrated heavily on the Original Sinners series, 17 out of 26 books I read was from that series. You can see the books I read in 2015 here. So I am not going to write a different post talking about the books I read 2015 like I did in previous years, cos there really isn’t much to say. Nothing life altering and a lot of mediocre. I did do something about the two reading projects that I started a long time ago: Project Hot Blood and Project Roses.
The Project Hot Blood is about a book series consisting of 13 books that contains numerous short stories, the genre is erotic horror. I know right, how can sex and horror mix well together. Surprisingly well, actually, if you’re into something different, something bone chilling, something disgusting that you really don’t want to read about but you just can’t stop turning the pages. 😉 I’ll continue to read those short stories and give you a tiny review on each and everyone of them. Click the link above to see my reviews of the first four books.
Project Roses is a about books on the topic of the War of Roses, mainly consisting of books by Philippa Gregory. You didn’t expect this one now, did you? I might not struck people as the kind who would read historical romance novels of queens and princesses, right? 😀 Well, I can be girly too. And I like history, I like stories. Thus historical stories about powerful women so very well portrayed and written by Ms Gregory. So stay tuned, and click the link above to read my review of the first three books: The Lady of the Rivers, The White Queen and The Red Queen.
Let’s move on to the world of movies. My Oscar movie project continues this week. I began the week very strongly, with Creed. And as you all know, just before Monday, I went through all six of Rocky movies. I was on the Rocky high and my expectations of Creed was sky high. And God, they didn’t disappoint. Creed was amazing. The story was a beautiful continuum of the Rocky movie from 2006. Michael B. Jordan was strong in his performance, this man had a great career ahead of him. And Sly. Oh my God Sly. His Rocky… See I know Sly is a great actor, he had always been. Those eyes of his, thousand words, ladies and gents, thousand words. It’s just that not many people can look past all that muscle, and that mumbling way of speech or his face paralysis. But I’ve always seen his talent from his eyes, from the very first Rambo. If only I could have seen Rocky earlier, I would know of his skills that much earlier. But it’s never too late to fall for Rocky. Oh my heart broke into thousand pieces when he said “Yo, Adrian” in the movie. And that locker scene with Rocky and the Creed kid? I broke down like a little girl that I am.
Anywho, a powerful movie with great performances, heart-breaking well-acted scenes with simple but endlessly inspirational one-liners. And the fight, it was nothing less what I expected from a Rocky movie, it was pure gold.
5. Straight Outta Compton
I just finished watching this 30 minutes ago. That’s why I publish this so late. And I’m outraged. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Why isn’t this nominated for Best Picture at the motherfucking Oscars?? I really didn’t expect to like ‘Compton‘ so much. I mean I love rap music. I’m all about lyrics, and good rap music consists of some of the best lyrics that is out there. Although gangster rap isn’t really my generation, I’m much too young, but all that old school stuff, man, it makes the rap nowadays mostly about big butts and bitches seem so shallow. And this piece about race issues from the 80s, it was creepy how up to date this topic still is in 2016. I always feel strongly when watching movies and reading books about race, about discrimination, about racism. Being a foreigner myself living in a foreign country, although I had only faced mild cases of racism directed at me, I can relate to the struggles. It was hard to watch, the violence and the race issues. But the fighting back, the music, that was fun to watch. And it was almost eerie, Ice Cube junior’s portrait of his old man. They look just the same! The way he acted and talked, this young dude’s debut performance was solid.
And on this high note, I like to end this extremely long and emo post. I also watched “45 Years” yesterday, but I hated it. It was just so unnecessarily depressing. So not gonna talk about it, and watch it at your own risk. I’m glad I get to finish off my week with some gangster rap. 🙂 See you on Tuesday, I promise to be naughty and not emo. Until then, stay kinky. 😉