A few days left in 2015. What a fucking year. I can’t be anything else but utterly amazed when I browse through my weekly planner, that how still in January I went on a little trip to Stockholm Sweden with my then-still-fiance and… okay here’s a funny story which sounds fucked up now that I think about it. See, my ex-fiance is in a band as the guitarist, and he fell for their band’s lead singer. What a fucking cliche, right? 😀 But they kinda kept in just between them cos the singer she had a boyfriend back in January still. The fucked up part? We went on the Stockholm two-day cruise trip together. Double date kinda thingy. But them two has a thing. I was oblivious but I sensed something really awkward was going on already back then. For the next a couple of months there were talks and arguments and tears and shouting. We officially ended our engagement and relationship in March, the same night we ended it, he went to spend the night with the singer. I know, another fucked up story, right? I don’t resent him. Because his decisions and actions to disregard me and my feelings and pretty much throw our almost five years together to the rubbish bin and move on to the new gal literally right away, he made it that much easier for me to move on. I took one day off work, my collegues and boss being extremely supportive. And I mourned for my five years and the relationship for a month or so. The end of my relationship was pretty much why I started writing this blog. On my first blog entry, I wrote about this relationship.
I was forced to still live in the same apartment and sleep on the same bed with my ex for almost two more months before I found my own place. After my month of mourning, I received my first sign that I was over it – I got horny. I was over my ex, but I didn’t have any intentions to pursue any relationship that even remotely qualify as serious. After such an intensely emotionally exhausting relationship, I was eager to be single again. But I so deserved some good fucking to ease the horniness. Fuckbuddy it is. At the same time I realize that it was the opportunity of a lifetime to actually realizing my long awaited fantasy of exploring the little submissive inside of me. Back then, I had no idea I was 100 % submissive, so I looked for both vanilla and BDSM experiences. I don’t recall anymore which dating site I used to look for fuckbuddies, but I had quite a few adventures (terrible vanilla ones) before a guy who called himself a Dominant found me. He recommended this little kinky community called Fetlife for me so I created an account there. Then that guy didn’t reply my messages for weeks. Meanwhile my first Dom found me on Fetlife.
I moved to my place on the first of May. Right from the beginning, I love my small apartment. I adore living alone. But what makes my place the most special is because I had my first session there, within the first few weeks after I moved. My subbie cherry was popped gently and nicely. I remember it with great fondness. As I began sessions regularly, my interest in the good old vanilla lessened gradually. But since with my first Dom we never went further than oral sex (his choice, of course not mine), I couldn’t be sure that D/s is the only thing I need to satisfy all of my needs. My wants regarding my submissive side got more into focus nontheless. Already in the quite early stage of my adventures, I already knew that ownership, the 24/7 kind of D/s relationship is what I strive for. So I wrote my first ad, which was way less descriptive than my latest ad. I put it up on a Finnish BDSM community site BDSM bar. My Dom replied.
And a lot happened in a really short period of time. My first Dom assisted me to prove to myself that submissive is what I am and submitting is my most natural state. But it’s not until I began sessioning with my Dom that I finally admitted to myself that I am 100% submissive. He made my subbie woke up completely, He woke my masochist, He gave me chances to explore my sadism. With Him I got a little taste of the 24/7 D/s relationship. No matter that we didn’t work as Owner and collared, we could hardly be more compatible kink-wise. That’s why even after almost 6 months of sessioning, I still adore my Dom with passion.
With every session and every new experience, my fears and concerns went away little by little. One of the reasons I loooove BDSM is that even after so many sessions, I still have tons of things I haven’t experienced before. Like wax play, Sir. 😉 I can’t wait for the new year to come. I can’t wait to try new things, meet new people. I can’t wait to fill up my new weekly planner with only me and my adventures. I can’t wait to find my Owner.