Congratulations my dear readers! You’ve survived Monday and made it to Tuesday. I’m here to reward you with something kinky. Kinky Tuesday, I think it has a nice ring to it. So here I am trying out my potential new update schedule.
I’ve written about humiliation in BDSM back in August, and my experiences have since changed a little bit. I wrote back then that I don’t particularly care for the physical acts of humiliation such as slap in the face or spitting and such. But I’ve since then come to love those things. I love the face slapping, the crawling, the hair pulling, everything! One thing still remains true though, I don’t feel humiliated by those acts in any way. Like I said before, in order to feel any humiliation, one has to have shame, which I do not. Back in August, I haven’t been completely broken down yet. Once I was broken down, completely and thoroughly, after the first time, then it does get gradually easier and easier.
I think my Dom now has a pretty clear picture about things that would break me, acts that would shove me deep into subspace into that special corner where I become a crying, gooey girl mess with nothing else in my head than intense pain and pleasure, one or the other or both at the same time, which is my favorite. Acts such as spanking (hard enough, like caning) and flogging on my back. Me breaking down has always been deeply linked to pain, a lot of it, an intense volume of it. Until our last session, the one with the bloody caning punishment. A glass anal plug was inserted in me during the warm up spanking. And flogging with an anal plug felt out of this world great. I didn’t break during the caning, though it was damn close. I broke down like a baby during the flogging to my back, which I loooove but can’t stand shit without sobbing. And then there was pussy flogging. Oh my God, how much I hate that! It hurt so much, and there were enough strikes that my labia were swollen for two days and I could feel them with every step I took. I was already dripping wet from the warm-up spanking and the caning, after the pussy flogging my pussy felt like it was on fire. I was desperate for some release.
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that it has been a while since I’ve got something inside of me. I’ve counted, the last time was a month ago, anal doesn’t count. 😛 What I’m saying is penis in my vagina. After the spanking and flogging and pussy torture, my Dom made me jerk Him off (again) while He was choking me hard. When He was near cumming, He pushed me from my kneeling position to sitting position, my back against my sofa, my legs still curled from the kneeling, but my very painful ass was on the floor. Let me remind you, the glass anal plug was still in me. My head lying on my sofa, He came all over me. It has been a little while since He had mark me like that. I was feeling raw, exposed, content covered in His sperm. I was breathing hard, I thought it was over. But then I heard some buzzing noise, I recognized it being my vibrator.
The first contact of the vibrator and my clitoris was pure pain, it felt like thousand needles striking at the same time on my over-sensitive private parts. All of my lady parts were raw from the merciless flogging, and the vibrator was more a torture device than a machine of pleasure. At first. Of course, for us masochist, pain and pleasure is the one and same thing. The pain just made me more turned on. I would have sold my soul to the devil to have something, anything inside of me. The butt plug came out of me on its own, all of my places were so open and relaxed. I begged for my Dom’s fingers, but a harsh and clipped ‘No’ came from Him. It was the combination of many things: the extreme pain, the disappointment at myself because of the punishment, the desperation from the one month without penetration, the rawness I felt on my pussy, the pose I was in which I felt so exposed, me dropping my butt plug not on purpose, the torturing combination of pain and pleasure from the vibrator; His ‘no’ acted as a trigger. I felt waterfall of tears running down my face and they just wouldn’t stop. My head was completely empty, all of me was only three things, pain and pleasure and… humiliation? I recognized the feeling, but it felt so foreign to me, I hardly ever felt it. Maybe because I don’t usually feel humiliation, it created such a powerful ball of concentrated sensations. While I was still so very lost in that new kind of relief of being broken in a whole new way, all of a sudden I felt His fingers in me, and I almost exploded. It was sensory overload. I had never felt so much at the same time.
It took me a long time to orgasm. My orgasms are assholes. Not literally, unfortunately. They are comfort-loving suckers. They just won’t come if I’m in a strange position, or that my pussy hurt like a motherfucker at the same time. But I did come eventually, despite the challenging position I was in. And it was the kind of orgasm that hurts a lot it felt so good, the kind that chips away a tiny piece of your soul and return it to you little by little.
Not until later, when I was coming down to the ground with my head resting on His lap, did He surprised me with a couple of things. First, I had blood on my floor now. The caning had broken the skin and while having my moment of humiliation with my ass on the floor, I’ve rubbed quite a lot on it. I was proud of that, I didn’t even know the canes broke my skin. Second, He was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t say my safe words ‘yellow’ or even ‘red’ during the pussy flogging. I didn’t forget my safe words, I never do. But sometimes, when I’m deep in subspace, most of the time from pain alone, safe words wouldn’t even cross my mind. It would need to be something radical, like something from my hard limit list to make me react. And last session was another example of such occasion, the pussy flogging was damn close to my limits but still ‘yellow’ didn’t come to mind. Of course I realize the potential danger in this ‘habit’ of mine. But I also don’t think it’s possible for me to get to that special place in subspace, unless it was with someone I’ve played for quite a while and whom I trust completely to do the judgement when I’m partially incapable of doing so. And third, He wasn’t aware that He just rocked my whole world, at least not the extent of it. 😀 No one could have predicted, not even myself, that I was going to react that strongly. It was a complex combination of many things. Some miracles just can’t be orchestrated. Not even by almighty Dominants. 😉