Kinky Dungeon

Owner Wanted – That’s a No, part 5 – Unrealistic Expectations

I was going to write about the belt as a spanking instrument today, but I was going to very busy with work and no time to play with my Dom until next month (luckily tomorrow there’s one session ‘for the road’), so I’m going to save up all the kinky posts for the duration of the dry spell. And instead, yet again I bring you the crazy replies to my owner-seeking ad. This time’s theme: unrealistic expectations. My comments are in red. Let’s jump right in, shall we? I’m usually very fond of lists, but not really this time.

Woman who wants to submit as a real slave when you get to experience moderate pain for disobedience (moderate pain is not gonna cut it with this little one) and humiliation. You’re looking for someone who wants to use you. And you understand the following things. 1. A slave obeys every command. 2. A slave is ready to serve her master without complains. 3. A slave will tied up and collared. 4. A slave only moves around on all fours. 5. A slave eats / drinks from a bowl. 6. A slave is ready to submit to be a toilet slave. Will enjoy it when she can produce joy to others. A slave’s pleasure doesn’t really matter. A slave will be treated repressively, she will be given tasks and punished when needed. If you want to talk with me more, message me. I wish that in your message you will take notice that you are only a slave to me. I’m also interested in cyber slaving.

1) I hate numbered lists that aren’t one below the other.
2) There’s a reason why I don’t identify myself as a slave, because I’m way too bratty for that, and I really don’t enjoy that much restriction in my submission. I know there are some great Masters out there, but the ones I’ve encountered are ones that want only a slave to obey their every whim. Do I look like a baby-sitter now? I respect my Dom a lot, but I do challenge Him a lot too. I disagree with Him from time to time, my opinion on whether a punishment is fair or not matters to Him, and I’m never afraid to speak my mind around Him.
3) My pleasure matters.
4) In theory, none of what he mentioned is a no-no to me, but it’s the way he puts it. “Will enjoy it bla bla bla”…  Here’s the thing. Once I recognized someone as my Dom, I submit to Him whether I like it or not. And part of what makes my submission meaningful (in my opinion) is that I would not like everything I’m told to do. Telling me to ‘just enjoy it’? No one can tell me that. So if I don’t like taking your pee pee into my mouth, I sure as fuck would not enjoy it. End of story.
Bossy people are making me cray-cray. 😉 Let’s move on. And another list! At least this one is not written in a row like the one above.


you had a good ad. I am what you’re looking for – read till the end!
I’m sure you get hundreds of replies but if you’re looking for the best sex you’ve ever had and sessions I am the right one for you. I am an experienced master, I have had long-term ‘bitches’ in bdsm relationships which had begun from their will to try and their interests in learning – just like you (actually mine started as my body and mind quite literally began rejecting vanilla sex…). And after we settled on some ground rules, they had experienced something truly great and unforgettable, experience-yielding, hot passionate, properly rough and naughty sessions. I promise that with me you will get quality sex as much as you want.
I am durable, tireless, imaginative, competent, versatile, safe, skillful, true lover (for a second I thought I was reading an ad for agents to sell my house). I’m a friend of sessions of multiple hours, a friend of safe sex (my, he sure is friendly), healthy in every way, trust-worthy, quality over quantity in sex too, I’m not a trouble maker, nice looking, I’m not willing to commit, but definitely a dependable fuck (for some reason, I still get the house-selling agent vibe, you know – not willing to commit but ‘dependable’).

Tell me do you like or do you want to try the following: (and here the fun begins)

– BDSM (well duh)
– bondage (psst, it’s the B in BDSM)
– bitching (wow, really? Some men actually like bitching women? XD)
– roles
– costumes
– handcuffs (kinda part of the big B)
– horsewhip (I think he meant the riding crop)
– masturbating according to my instruction with your eyes blindfolded
– blind sex sessions (cock goes where?)
– 2F and 1M (yeah, every men’s wet dream, for Doms however, a matter of organizing)
– sex swing
– clamps
– suck (on what?)
– CIM, CIF (I actually had to google these, I’m really bad with acronyms. If you’re as bad as I am, they mean Cum in Mouth and Cum in Face. But shouldn’t it be cum on face? *straightening my grammar police hat*:P )
– COB (Children of Bodom? No? Following the logic above, I guess this means cum of breasts? Or bumbum? But then it’s COBB… 😛)
– BJ (a-HAH! I know this one! Bridget Jones!)
– BBBJ (Erm…BrokeBack mountain style blowjob? XD No?)
– anal
– doggy (the style or the animal?)
– oriental positions (and that’s just racist, I googled it, but google is not racist enough to give me any answer)
– blindfold
– latex/pvc
– double penetration
– sessions of multiple hours
– french kissing (I love how he ends his little list with something so sweet as French kissing. Unless the French knows something I don’t know?)

I’m sporty, I take care of myself, classy, 39 years old, 189 cm (6’2), 94 kg (207 lbs), with a giant 23 cm (9 inches). My only vice is my appetite for sex and the wild imagination related to it.


Okay I might have too much fun with the list. I don’t know what kind of misunderstanding men have about penis sizes, cos 9 inches is like 3 inches too much for majority of women. I’m one of the majority. So yes, I’ve been rejecting men just because their cocks are too big. But what if they’re exaggerating? you ask. Why would I want a grown ass man who still feel the need to lie about his dick size? Next, here’s another one I rejected because of his penis size, definitely not because his overall weirdness, no.

I had to reply to your ad, although I don’t know whether you’re fake or a prostitute… (to be fair, the site I used do have a fair amount of working ladies there, but really, if I’m a hooker, why would I write an ad that basically turns down majority of potential customers right from the get-go? I’ve studied marketing, that’s not a way to write an ad.)
Anyway I am everything you requested in your ad. I am very well-mannered and caring, clean and gentle, but also extremely perverse and full of really indecent thoughts and I will realize them all on you. My own fetishes are nylon and definitely sperm. I like the idea that every drop of sperm that comes from me, goes to you, the one and only. I captivate and devote myself to you more and more I cum inside of you, in your asshole, in your mouth. I like to eat my own sperm too, preferably I suck it straight out of your little pussy when I school you…
You are going to get really hard belt hits on your butt, and I will use you in all of my perverted role etc fantasies.
In exchange I am very gentle towards you. I would stroke you and hold you, until it’s again time for some dirty sex. Sex can sometimes be very “vanilla sex” where I fuck you for example in a semi public place full of cum and you will put your panties back on so that you’re dripping sperm when we continue on elsewhere…
So we would play with sperm fully with no limits – I will teach you to milk for my sperm by triggering it anally (okay okay, I get it, you like sperm), and I will actualize all my arousing and perverted fantasies. You surely will not think about other men when you get my 6 cm (2.5 inches) thick cock for yourself!
I wish you will reply to me if you’re not fake…!

Ooookay… let’s just say I’m fake and call it a day, shall we? And dear reader, just humor me. Take a ruler. Check just how wide 2.5 inches/6 cm is. An average 0,5 litre (about 17 oz) water bottle is not as wide as that. I couldn’t even fit the bottle in into my mouth! Yeah yeah, I tried. So again, either he’s exaggerating, a lot, or he’s really one of a kind. Just really not my kind. So last but not least, I consider the following really my crown jewel. It’s one of the first replies I got, and really, it set the tone for the rest to come.


I’m single too (after reading this, I wonder why). If chemistry is in place then a 24/7 relationship will be ok.

Sex will come all the time and in surprising time and place.

And also with toys (dick + tongue + toy) (Wow, he’s really bendy if he can give me his dick and tongue at the same time).

You will cum 12 times a day (Come again? I mean, no, not cum again, just what the fuck)
I mean per each time of fucking (I am to cum 12 times every time you fuck me? Are you FUCKING INSANE?)
You know how to Squirt (or I teach you how to multi-orgasm and squirt) (Does Harry Potter exist? Are you a wizard? Is there a cum-spell I’m not aware of?)
Good ass and tits (just lol)
Only me but if you want another bitch in then ok (Wow, how very generous of you and not hypocrite like at all)

And I will be constantly attacking your ass…

Me: blonde, 180 (6’0), 76 (167 lbs) and a cock that’s always hard (you really should have that checked…)
Durable, meaning when you’ve cum 12 times and I will allow myself to cum. (Up until here I was kinda thinking that the ’12’ was a typo…). Or 15 times (definitely not a typo)… it means when you’re all tired then I will cum…

I actually replied to this nice gentleman, cos I think it’s my duty to the humankind to gently tell him that he’s indeed FUCKING INSANE. And so very unattractively, instead standing behind his insanity like Kanye West would, he actually wrote me a second message and started to negotiate. Yes, he did:

4 orgasms? No squirting?
Shouldn’t you want to meet a Man who knows how to do it

We are not made from papers and there aren’t many of us (thank gods for that! And what was that about paper?)

If you want to try then OK – if not then forget it.
Multi-orgasms and squirt. Your choice

Finnish man. (I’m sure you make your fellow Finnish men so very proud)

In the end he actually started to sound like a Chinese aunt trying to bargain with you in the jade market. 😀 Well, that’s it for this time. A few more to come. Or maybe more once I put my ad back up. I’m so tempted to take the rest of the year off. Maybe I should.


6 thoughts on “Owner Wanted – That’s a No, part 5 – Unrealistic Expectations

  1. Once again, you never cease to amaze me . I would love to read what your ad says, and how these douches seem to think their replies are going to be the one that ‘steals your heart’. LOL. Good stuff. Have fun with your ‘one for the road’ session. Cant wait to read about those adventures 🙂 Until then …

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahah! So you would think my ad is detailed enough to at least discourage some men. But I guess most dont even read the whole thing. So I’ve since updated it a little by adding a question about favorite spanking instrument, just to see how many answer.


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