How many times have you left something undone because you were afraid? Afraid of the unknown, of the consequences, of the rejection or the disappointment. I’m not saying there is a way to get rid of that fear. Cos there is no way. What you can do though, is learn to embrace it.
On the matter of fear, I’m very lucky. Or what my loved ones called ‘extremely stupid’. 😀 Let me first quote myself from my other blog first, about horror movies which are my favorite.
“…we who love movies love them because we love all those strong feelings movies conjure, like sadness, happiness and excitement. It’s just that my personal kind of poison is not feeling loved or hopeful about happily-ever-afters, it is fear. I feel alive when my heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears, when my whole body shakes because of the potent mixture of fear and excitement. Many of my friends think that I like horror because I’m not scared of them, but the truth is just the opposite, though I don’t scare easily, I do get afraid.”
So instead of shutting me down, fear wakes me up. I have a bad case of stage fright, but I loooove doing presentations in front of people, or singing karaoke in front of an audience. That limb-numbing feeling that makes my palms sweat, makes the blood pumping to my head, makes my ears ring a little and makes my voice shake just a little? I. LOVE. IT. I love that feeling! I know I know, I’m all kinds of crazy. I am an adrenaline junkie. Can’t help it. I can be very reckless sometimes, as you can imagine, cos fear has never been the thing to stop me from doing something.
Until I dove into the world of BDSM, my fear worship seems to be quite worthless of a skill. Or up until I met Sir Sade, that skill has been practically useless. I wasn’t afraid of my first Dom. I wasn’t even afraid of that sadist who was a fake Dom, though I really should have been. But I still remember, clear as day, how it felt when I met Sir Sade the first time. I’m not talking about the super nice man with whom I went on a date with first, but the Dom in that man, when He let the Dom side out and I saw Him the first time. Oh that vibe He gave out, it sent chills down my spine. I was terrified of Him. And intrigued. And irreversibly hooked. Hooked on the completely new kind of fear that I’ve never experienced. It was stronger, more potent, and it felt oh so good.
Sir Sade wondered in the beginning of my eagerness to submit to Him. First of all, I don’t think I even had a choice. With His vibe alone, the subbie in me was already on her knees panting and begging to be spanked. I had to experience it. Hah, He could have practically asked me for anything on that first time, I would have said ‘Yes, Sir’ just the same.
Of course now I know Sir Sade is very talented on many aspects, being scary is not His only Domly virtue. But it was the first that I witnessed and it’s still my favorite. You would think that now that I have known Him longer, I wouldn’t be as afraid of Him. Well, the other thing He’s very good at is surprising me. That one time few weeks ago, that day when I was feeling defiant and I ended up being disrespectful to Sir Sade and He told me to come to His place after work. Well, this brave stupid little sub was all ready to tell Him to go f… *cough* well you know. I was so ready to say it to His face. But not after I actually saw His face. Nope. Not this girl. Me defiant? No way! If I thought that He could be terrifying before, it was nothing compared to how He looked on that day. I couldn’t even look Him in the eyes when He tried to lift my chin up to look at Him. He had to order me to look Him in the eyes… I still get chills just thinking about that… Dear God I loved that session. Although it was punishment, and I was super emotional, and I was still a mess after that. It’s really not surprising why all punishment sessions ended up to be my favorites, cos adrenaline mixed with endorphin, there’s really no drug better than those two together.