My gal friend and I had a fairly interesting chat over the weekend, over glasses of wine of course, about sexual attraction. We tried to analyze our past adventures with the male population in almost scientific details. I for one don’t believe in love at first sight. How superficial can you be to fall in love with a person based on his/her looks only? What I do believe, however, is lust at first sight. At least for me, I need shorter than one second to access a guy I’m on a date with, the very first second I lay eyes on him I could already decide whether “I could fuck that”. That means only whether I like how he looks, but it is a completely different matter whether he actually turns me on. During our chat with my gal friend, I started to go through my previous sexual relationships, the memorable ones at least.
The very first guy I was with, I had a huge crush on. You know, the all-consuming puppy love, the matter of life and death kind of love forever and ever. Now in retrospect, now that I can peel back the affection and the crush, and I only analyze the sexual attraction, it wasn’t that strong. He was my first, and even vanilla sex was still super fun back then. We kept the sexual relationship going on quite a while, both having other relationships in between, but we fall in and out the our fuckbuddyship for nearly 6 years. I guess he wasn’t that bad at sex. But I think that I just love sex a lot.
Another guy whom I remember to this day, was a guy I met when I was seventeen. I felt some raw attraction to him, those butterflies on my stomach. He was on the exciting side, when we first made out, he pulled me to the back stairs of a hotel, area where we were definitely not supposed to be. He pushed me against the wall and ravished my mouth. The sex itself wasn’t that great, compared to my later experiences, but it sure was exciting. But still, looking back, it might be the excitement of being caught that got to me, not him in particularly.
To all my sexual partners, the vanilla ones, I told them that I don’t need foreplay. For them I say that it was because I get wet at the intercourse, I don’t need foreplay for that. But the truth is, the only way for me to get at least a little turned on during vanilla sex was that little pain from friction with a forceful entrance. I used that strategy for a long time, and I was completely fine in my own little bubble cos all the men up until my ex-fiance, were so-called normal. The penetration wouldn’t last more than 20 min, so me getting a little wet was more than enough. It was my ex who burst my bubble. To give him some credit, I’m sure vanilla girls would absolutely love him. Or I don’t know. If you happen to enjoy 40 minutes of fucking every damn time. Like that 40 min is the minimum. So my little wetness wasn’t cutting it. At all. It was getting painful. So much lube was used. It was getting exhausting. Especially when he actually enjoy slow and somewhat careful sex, as if not to hurt me. I like rough sex. I like fast. When he sometimes wanted it hard and fast, it hurt a lot, cos I was so fucking dry. Friction is not the good kind of pain. Our bed always reminds me of a fucking beach after sex cos there were so much ‘sand’. If you don’t know what ‘sand’ means, you’re a lucky gal/guy. ‘Sand’ is created when the woman is too dry, and lube was used, and the friction was too great or it took to long, and the lube kinda dries up creating little tiny balls of… dry-up-lube, littering the whole bed. And if you think that is disgusting, imagine how the actual sex felt like.
Oookay, getting depressing. Fast-forward to my finally vanilla-free world. When I met my first Dom, I did think “I could fuck that”. And submission was all the foreplay I needed. But. I don’t think I was that sexually attracted to him. Cos sometimes, after a session, during the aftercare, when he sometimes fingered me, when my headspace wasn’t kinda in submission, I wouldn’t get that wet. So in other words, if my first Dom wasn’t a Dom at all, I might not enjoy the vanilla sex with him that much.
Maybe by now you already sense where this piece is going. During our weekend chat, I did realize something. Something that thrills and terrifies me roughly the same amount. I concluded, that the sexual attraction I felt towards my previous partners, mash those attraction all together, and that amount would approximately come to just below the sexual attraction I feel for my Dom now. The extent of how much He turns me on is fucking ridiculous. Of course, the submission has a lot to do with it, but I’m kinda always ready for me, even if I’m not actively submitting to Him. I got dripping wet from a caning punishment, which surprised the hell out of me. I’m still not sure whether I am truly that big of a masochist, or is it just with Him. It always feels like that my body is betraying me because I’m nearly completely out of control. Like that day when I was feeling very defiant and was fucking pissed, and I was receiving a very painful punishment with the crop and flogger for being disrespectful, so I had no reason to be turned on at all, and sex wasn’t even a beep in my radar at that moment, and still my body reacted and I was thoroughly shocked when He wondered aloud too how am I dripping wet. And I was wet all the while we were on a vanilla date, no submission, He didn’t even touch me. Therefore I concluded, even if He isn’t a Dominant, I have never met any man towards whom I’m as sexually attracted to. I don’t know why, or how. He practically just needs to be in the same room or near enough from me, and that’s all it takes. I might actually be those pheromones. I do like His scent. I’m not talking about any cologne or deodorant or clothes detergent or soap. I’m talking about the natural characteristic scent of every person. His happens to be very strong, or at least for me. So this all obviously thrills me. So what part terrifies me? What it means is that my body would always betray me and be on His side. I can actually be angry with Him, and I still would be turned on by Him. If that’s not called too much power over me, then I don’t know what is. And needless to say, I’m afraid this is an one time opportunity. I doubt I would ever meet anyone like that. Which is a little sad. But which also means I might as well enjoy it for as long as it last. 😛