The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. – Urban Dictionary, the only legit dictionary online 😉
Me not talking kink for a week? Ambitious, but so not gonna happen. Well okay, polyamory is not really strictly kink, it’s just more common within the BDSM gang. I’m going to tell you many stories about myself in this post. Let’s start from the beginning.
At what age did you form your own opinion about what love is? And what influenced your take on love? By watching your parents? At school? Or that pretty girl/boy from next door? My strongest influence was a TV show. Or not one TV show, it’s one story of which many movies and TV shows have been made. A story of a man called Wei Xiao Bao. It was a story set in ancient China, and it’s about how Bao climbed the social ladder from a peasant to emperor’s most trusted adviser. The story is quite funny and very entertaining, but that’s not why the story was special. It’s because Bao had seven wives. Yup. Seven. In the story, Bao grew up in a brothel among women. He wasn’t rich, he wasn’t good-looking, he couldn’t fight or had any special talents. He was smart and witty though. And a hopeless romantic who loved women. I must be in my early teens or even preteens, when I first watched a TV show about Bao. And I told my mom back then that I wanted to find a man like Bao, that I wanted to be one of his wives. I remember her telling me ‘don’t be silly, why would you want to share the man you love with other girls?’. Even at my young age, I didn’t see it as sharing the man I love, it was simply loving a man and loving others who loves the same man. I mean if you love someone, don’t you want him/her to receive as much love as possible?
The story of Bao and his wives stayed with me. I do learn that polyamory nowadays in the society that is almost purely monogamous, is frown upon. My mom taught me that I should be enough for a man. The society lectured me that relationships should be two persons. You would think that most men would be down with it. I have had only two long serious relationships in my life, and both of them were strictly monogamous.
The first of those men I met in college, we were together almost three years. In that time, I was vexed about the fact that he almost never said “I love you” back to me. We had fights when he would accuse me of not caring about him cos I kept forgetting stuff. He made me feel so bad. He made me feel like a fucking villain, because I left him on a whim (or so it seemed back then). I sensed something was off, so I cut the ties completely literally overnight. Even my mom thought I was a cold-hearted bitch for doing that. Later turned out (or he told me) that he cheated on me multiple times by having sex with his ex, and in guilt he would lash out to me, accusing me of doing stuff I really didn’t do. And that he really wasn’t in love with me, he just thought I was such a great girl that he didn’t want to let go. Trust your instincts ladies, mine saved me from a doomed relationship.
The second of those men was my ex-fiance, that story I told before. He loved me passionately. He just wasn’t happy about the way I loved him. I was never jealous. And oh boy, did he try to make me jealous all the time. By constantly telling me about other girls who were hitting on him. From him I learnt to fake jealousy. Just to keep him happy and make him stop trying, because it was totally getting annoying and honestly speaking quite disrespectful. He also cheated on me. Emotionally. He fell in love with another girl who I guess loves him in the way he wants.
I find it extremely ironic, that both these men who claimed to be so strongly monogamous ended up cheating on me, a girl who is poly at heart. So I have had it with monogamous men. Or men that claim to be monogamous. It’s not that I’m saying that all monogamous men are cheating bastards, it’s just that they are incapable of the kind of love that I want. Again, not to say that all the poly men think like I do, but this is how I think of poly.
I don’t see love as a number, like 100, that you deal out evenly or unevenly to the people you love. Love is infinite. So having multiple partners doesn’t make you love them any less. And like I said before, it’s not about sharing a person you love. It’s giving him/her the gift of freedom to love and be loved. Jealousy is born from dishonesty and distrust, so in a relationship where you are completely honest and you trust completely, why would there be any jealousy? A relationship where it’s okay to share that ‘hey, I’ve met someone gorgeous today and I think I’m a little smitten’. It’s not about me alone being enough for another, it’s about…why one person have to be enough? Why can’t there be more? Why do you have to choose one kind of ice-cream flavor for the rest of your life? Why can’t you have them all? You might have a favorite, or maybe a different favorite on a different day.
There are terms like primary and secondary in the poly community. There can be many definition for them, but as being someone who wants a 24/7 D/s relationship, I also want my Owner to be my primary. I am also a hopeless romantic. I want to fall in love. I want to walk hand in hand in the public. I want to introduce my primary to my friends and family. I want to travel around the world with my primary. I want to get married some day and get a house together. But I also want to eat ice-cream with him on a hot summer day and check out beautiful girls in short skirts. I also want to listen to him talk about a new crush. I also would love to see him fall in love with someone like he fell in love with me. We only live once, why can’t we have best of both monogamous and polygamous world?