I have heard that it is not a very good idea to write angry. Or drunk. Or emotional. Or while listening to Pink songs (cos God they can be passive aggressive). But in my defense, I’m not that drunk. I still can write straight. Well semi. But I’m still fucking pissed and still listening to Pink songs.
So today was an emotional day. Emotional… wrong word. I was just fucking pissed right from the get-go. You know, days you just want to pick a fight with someone. Anyone. But usually with people that matter, no one at work though. Cos even on days like this, I act professionally at work. I’m that good of an actor sometimes.
I had a little task from my Dom for today. Bringing a dildo to work. And film myself using it at my office. I did it. It actually felt good. But then I had to warn Him, that I should probably stay quiet for the rest of the day cos I was feeling goddamn defiant. It’s truly dangerous times for a sub… cos during times like this nothing is going to scare me… yes, not even the cane. I actually craved pain. Any threats, I would have yelled “BRING IT THE FUCK ON” in my head.
So. My Dom must not yet know me well enough. He actually tried to ask what’s wrong, when all I wanted to do was pick a fight. I did end up being quite disrespectful. And I also did get quite thoroughly punished for it. The pain helped a little. For a moment I felt peaceful and relaxed. But as I was walking home, I could already feel the anger coming back. As soon as I got home I poured myself a shit ton of rum. I know I know, alcohol is bad for you when you’re down. Don’t do as I do, kids, do as I said. But mama is gonna have a drink or three now.
I’m very big on knowing what’s going on with myself. I have become an expert on how I’m feeling as soon as I feel it. And I usually don’t rest until I find the exact reason for my emotions. So if I’ve been feeling pissed all day, what am I pissed at? After a thoroughly painful punishment by my Dom, three glasses of rum, a long and stupid crying episode on my own floor while singing along Pink’s Fucking Perfect and an even more pathetic crying and self-pity episode in the shower in the dark, I think I have a pretty good idea just at what am I pissed off at. And the answer is myself. I am mad at myself.
I am a very passionate person. I feel everything strongly. And the person I love the most in this whole wide world, as narcissistic as it sounds, is myself. Like Whitney said, the greatest love of all is to love yourself. So I love me. Despite of that I always dive head first into relationships. I don’t hold back. I expose myself completely. I could care less that I might get hurt. Quite paradoxical really, cos that’s really not someone self-loving person would do. To let go like that.
The question here is… is it possible to miss someone you’ve never met yet? Cos I ‘miss’ my future Owner like crazy right now… As much as I adore my Dom, He’s not my Owner. Not yet. Or I don’t know would He ever be. Or if He would ever want to be. I don’t know…
Sorry that this is a mess. I might regret publishing this tomorrow. But I would love to write a proper love letter for my future Owner one of these days. I’ve been told that I’m like a Dominant’s wet dream come true, being submissive, masochistic, horny as hell all the time, wanna do the 24/7 and in addition to that being a service submissive too. So all I need to do is find that person who would want and let me be all that…
UPDATE – THE MORNING AFTER:
Oh wow, I’m not half bad even when I was drunk and angry. 😀 So after 12 hours of sleep, at least I’m not angry at anything anymore. The whole day yesterday feels… psychedelic. In its own strange oddball way, it did clear my head. It did help me prioritize shit in my mind. I’m actually way more zen now. Now that I say I will just go with the flow, I actually mean it. On some level, I am a control-freak. Even when I’m submitting, I’m in total control of myself. And yesterday…something came lose? Like opening a flood gate. I admit, I did not let things go gracefully. But now that it’s done, and if for nothing else, then it might make me a better submissive.