“Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends.” – Sigmund Freud –
Let’s make one thing clear. When I say sadist or sadism or masochist or masochism in this entry, or anywhere else on this blog, I’m talking about sadomasochism, the SM is BDSM, the subset, the sexual acts of giving and receiving pain and humiliation where both side of the coin consents to those acts. When I talk about sadists, I don’t mean serial killers who enjoy killing and torturing innocent victims. If you’re interested in reading the origin and history and distinction, read more about it here. Here, I’m going to share my views and experiences on sexual sadism and what it means to me to be a sexual masochist.
Let’s begin this with a story. All the best things in life begins with a story, right? Back in time when I wasn’t sure how in link my masochist side is to my submissive side. Back in the time when I haven’t explored my fetishes yet, what I like or don’t like. So it was the time when I wasn’t sure just how big the world of BDSM can be. It was just after the break-up with my ex. It was the time that I decided to start explore things, and for some strange reason, I still thought it was a good idea to share my hopes and dreams about the future with my ex. God knows what went through my head. I told him that I wish I could find a man who would share my taste in sex. I didn’t have the words to express it better back then. My ex knew I enjoy pain to some extent during sex. He thought I was completely out of my mind to demand such things from my future man, how useless of a feature he thought it to be. He thought that if I could find a man who loves me enough, then he would learn to do those things I like to me. Of course, he was kinda talking about himself in a way, that it was my fault that his love and him trying to do things like spanking, wasn’t enough for me. He made me feel so fucking bad. I didn’t know why it wasn’t enough, why deep down I knew it was all kinds of wrong. Back then, I didn’t have to words to tell him why I think it was so wrong to just find a man who loves me enough to learn ways to hurt me. Now that I’m more in tune with my needs, my fetishes, my identity as a sexual submissive and masochist, I can finally see how fucked up my ex’s accusations were. Maybe it is somehow socially more acceptable for a woman to be a masochist, it kinda falls into the stereotypical gender roles. The easiest way to see the level of fucked-upness is to reverse those gender roles. So what if I were a sadist instead of a masochist? What if my ‘thing’ isn’t receiving pain but giving it. So according to him, I just needed to find a man who loves me enough to let me hurt him physically and probably mentally too. What he was saying was that I’m fucking insane that a man like that wouldn’t be enough for me. Do you see my point? What kind a human-being that makes me if I would let myself hurt a man who consents to my violence not because he wants it or even likes it, he just loves me enough to let me do it?? Let’s reverse it back. Just because I’m not the one giving pain, doesn’t mean it’s any less fucked up to make someone learn to hurt me. If it’s not your thing, then it’s not your thing. And when it comes to sexual sadism, most of the time it’s pretty fucking obvious whether a man is into giving pain or not. If you know what I mean. 😉
So. The lesson of the story, don’t let anyone makes you feel that you are insane. I was unsure of myself, but I worked hard to find out. Knowledge and experiences build confidence. I’m sure still learning. But I’m already very confident about my identity. That I’m a sometimes bratty 100% submissive with strong masochistic tendencies and a tiny sadist side. My masochist side is strongly linked to my subbie, meaning I don’t find pain enjoyable unless I am submitting at the same time. No, I don’t get turned on when I bump my knee on the table leg. But when I am submitting, I can take quite a great amount of pain. While I view submissiveness and Dominance like they are sexual orientations, sadism and masochism are more like fetishes in my view. Very strong ones, like something you were born with. I don’t need pain to get turned on, I only need to submit to get turned on. Though I do strongly prefer pain in sessions. I know that not all Doms are sadists, they can do the spanking and other stuff for disciplinary purposes, but they don’t necessarily enjoy the process of giving pain. Like I strongly prefer pain during sessions, I strongly prefer Doms who are sadists too. In other words, I have a huge soft spot for sadists. I mean, what can be more beautiful than someone who loves to give pain as much as I love to receive it?
Of course, because of that soft spot of mine, I have met my fair share of sadists. Some are bat-shit crazy, some are just fucking assholes, and some even pretends to be Doms in order to satisfy their sadistic urges. The perfect combo is not easy to find. The balanced mixture of Dominance, sadism and believe or not decency aka not being an asshole. While any ‘macho’ man with a sadist side can pick up a riding crop and deal out some pain, my favorite kind of sadism is the mental kind. The kind that doesn’t deal out physical pain per se. In other words, mind-fucking. The intimidation, the taunting with or without words, the keeping me on my toes, the chills given with just a stare, the promise of all the delicious pain in the world with that sadistic gleam in the eyes or a smirk on the lips. Like I mentioned in my last post, my Dom is my favorite sadist. As you may already guess, He’s the master of the mind-fuckery and intimidation. The spanking part is usually the part that is far less scary. Because you can’t really breath through fear. Luckily I love feeling certain kinds of fear. But that’s a story for another time.
UPDATE: A funny little story to share. A bit of the background. Last week was super busy for Sir, so there was a long ass break between sessions. Okay, fine it was like eight days, but still. I’m a spoiled sub,
sue spank me. We were supposed to spend some vanilla time on Saturday (on my request), a movie night, and after that we were going to play at His place. Torturous to say the least, that whole week moved forward so fucking slow. Finally Friday rolled around, and He asked me to meet him after work, just a quick meeting, cos it was my Dad’s birthday and I was going out for dinner with my folks. So a quick meeting turned into a quickie in the library. Yes, I was swiftly yet properly fucked in the library’s men’s room 30 minutes before I was supposed to meet my parents. So you see why I adore my Dom, right? Hot and bothered was my status the next day when we met for vanilla time. Okay, well, hot and bothered is kinda always my status when I’m around Him, but because of the little impromptu meeting the previous day, I was exceptionally horny. Plus He didn’t let me cum the previous day. Well, something unexpected came up and the play time after the movie was a no go. So it was just pure vanilla time. He was the perfect gentleman the whole time. Goddamn it. Luckily, we did manage to play on Sunday and with my sister sub adding to the fun. And here’s a little convo between us from last night via text-messaging:
Me: I just realized that the past weekend I got to experience three different kinds of vanilla vs BDSM combos. Friday was the a little mix of the two, Saturday pure vanilla, Sunday a session. I feel like the mix of both feels the most natural one. Being so freaking horny on Sat made it hard to concentrate on the vanilla. I actually waited the whole time on Sat that you would do something naughty in the public.
My Dom: 😀 But that was supposed to be vanilla only… (I read that as: “that was what you asked for”)
Me: I could practically see your sadistic smile through this phone.
I’m 99% sure that the Friday wasn’t planned to make me almost lose my cool on Saturday. I’m 100% sure though, that watching me squirm is also one of His favorite pass-time activities. When you wish for a sadist, sadism is what you get. 😉