“Torture is torture and humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer.”
– ‘Choke’ by Chuck Palahniuk –
I still remember an online conversation between a Dominant and I about the topic of humiliation. He likes to do it a lot, according to him, it helps putting a sub into the right mental state. I remember disagreeing with him, I not only didn’t understand the concept of it, or whether it would even work on me as intended, I strongly dislike the way he presented the whole subject. I felt like he was pushing his fetishes on me, which made me feel uncomfortable. I mean, you’re the Dom, and humiliation is not on my hard limit list, so just freaking do it if you like it so much. Guess all his attempts to make me like the same things as he did, it actually made him less Domly in my eyes. I pretty much lost some respect for him, I mean he surely as hell didn’t need my permission to slap my face or call me a slut if I ever decided to submit to him. And trying to make me feel that I’m the dumb one because I don’t like something is a sure way to get on my bad side.
I might sound way too proud to be a submissive, right? I am very proud. And I am exceptionally aware of my worth. I also have quite a hard-edged attitude towards indecisiveness or over-politeness. For example, men who want to buy me drinks, if he has to ask ‘Can I buy you a drink’ then my response is always a no. In other words, I do like the dominant type outside the bedroom/dungeon too. Some might think that the man just respects me by asking me first. In my books though, it’s the genuine kind of respect when the man trusts me to know when to say no if I truly don’t want something.
So the same mentality I carry to sessions. From the very first session with my Dom, He knew about my hard limits, He also knew my fetishes. He knew that the physical acts of humiliation were not on my favorite list. But that didn’t stop Him from doing them. And that, ladies and gents, is why He is my Dom now. I had to admit, He surprised the living daylight out of me when the first slap landed hard on my face the first time. I remember my vagina might have exploded a little bit at that. Which is very ironic, cos I couldn’t stand being slapped in the face before, even if it was just a light slap as a joke (my ex used to do that a lot). It was a sure and short way to piss me off majorly.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt –
So I’ve decided, the word humiliation is just misleading. My Dom is very consistent on doing supposedly humiliating things to me, for example (consist of, but not limited to):
- As mentioned before, slapping me in the face
- Spitting on my face
- Hair pulling
- Forced deep-throating
- Corner time, or just general waiting
- Servitude (choirs, washing Him)
- Verbally taunting me
- Controlling my orgasms, I have to ask for His permission to come, during and outside sessions
I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel when He does those things. I guess humiliation is aimed at breaking down a submissive’s ego just enough for her to be able to just feel and not be self-conscious. But humiliation is not one of the emotions I feel. Because in order to feel humiliated, you have to have shame. Which I don’t. But they’re working on me though. I feel I belong to Him, I feel that He owns me completely, with every bruise He gives me and every time He spits on my face, He is marking me as His. And I adore Him for that.