Whenever I talked about the D/s relationship with vanilla men, nearly all of them think that subbies sound too good to be true. The smart ones would ask after my long monologue, where’s the catch. I would then proceed to explain the responsibilities of a Dom. That is when most men deem being a Dom too much work. I never even get to tell about the down side of the D/s aspect. Relationship between a submissive and her Dominant is one of devotion, adoration, trust and respect. And that is what I feel on most days. Except on days when the sub drop hits. Like today, like right now. Let’s talk about that.
So what is sub drop? Here’s a link to explain ‘drop’ in general, both for subs and Doms. A quote from the page:
The symptoms of drop will generally set in within 24-72 hours after an intense scene in which endorphin and adrenaline received a spike commonly associated with sub/top space, and thus will result in a crash with symptoms reminiscent of depression which may include:
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- Fatigue and decreased energy
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- Irritability, restlessness
- Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
- Overeating or appetite loss
- Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
Simply put, it’s basically an endorphin crash. Sessions can be very intense sometimes, and it doesn’t always depend on the nature of the scene. The deeper I get into subspace, the higher the level of endorphin is released in me. That is why there is aftercare after sessions, they are there to level it all out and get the hormones back on track. For me, it’s trickier. I’m always very high on the good feels right after sessions. I feel blissful and giddy usually for the rest of the day. So basically, while I love aftercare, I don’t really need it that much right after sessions. It’s the days following a session, that’s when I might need aftercare.
If you’ve been following my blog, you might easily guess when I experienced my first sub drop. Yup, on the next day after ‘the rough session‘. It came out of nowhere, it hit me so hard that I could barely breathe. All I could do for hours was lie on my sofa, trying my best not to hyperventilate. I felt empty, restless, exhausted, hopeless and sad. It took me roughly 18 hours to recover. The worst of all is all the insecurities that kept attacking my mind. “Does He like me at all?” “Am I not worthy of His time?” “Am I just a fuck toy for Him?” Even during the deepest drop, I can objectively say that those kind of thoughts are absurd. Being the independent and confident woman that I am most of the time, I hate these kinds of thoughts even more. I hate feeling insecure. I hate feeling unsure of my place.
It’s time like this that I feel I need my Dom the most. Ironically, it’s also the time that I don’t feel entitled or worthy of His attention. For me to ask for something is not easy. I am not designed that way. I like to serve and am damn proud of that. I don’t like to be of trouble or a burden. The only comfort is I know this too shall past. But while this last, even cat videos can’t make me smile.