Wow, that title sounds so much severe than what this entry is going to be. I am going to write about what I identify myself to be. I don’t crave having labels but it does do good in the sense that it gets me thinking why I am this label and not that label. Why do I identify myself being a submissive and not a slave or a bottom or a masochist. Again if you are not familiar with the terms I’m using here, check them out here.
So what I am are three things: a submissive, a masochist and a service submissive. Let’s tackle the first one first.
When talking about BDSM, I am one of those who believes that we were all born this way (gotta love Gaga). Just like our sexual orientations, we were born heterosexual, bi, gay, lesbian etc. I believe that I was born a bi-sexual and a submissive. I had a normal and happy childhood with not one spanking (because I was a very good girl…and I can practically hear my Dom scoff/laughing at that). I was never in abusive relationships. I was never sexually abused. Yes, I am listing and breaking all the stereotypes and cliches the vanilla world sometimes navigate towards when they try to figure out why some of us are kinky. I am bossy, defiant, stubborn, offensive, strong-willed and dare I say dominant by nature when functioning in the vanilla world, at work, in school, towards my friends and parents. So when I found myself identifying strongly as a submissive and not a Domme, I was not the only one who was surprised. My closest friends with whom I chose to share this side of me, they all thought I would definitely be a Domme, judging from my personality. Well, the thing is, being a submissive doesn’t mean I am submissive. Don’t ever confuse the two. After coming out of the kinky closet, I don’t put much effort to hide this side even from the vanilla world, so I get my fair share of asshole encounters. From vanilla men mostly, thinking since I am a submissive, I must be easy and do whatever they want me to. Hah. Yeah right. Warning to all sexist men out there, many subbies are extremely strong women who know their worth and who would not hesitate to tear you in half for disrespecting them.
While I aim to be respectful towards all Dominants, Dommes and Masters, I only am a submissive towards my own Doms. Yes, Doms as in plural. As I am writing this, I have two Dominants. It would be fun to write about the challenges serving two Doms, but that is a story for another time. Just like in a wolf pack, in order for me to feel the need to submit, my subbie side need to first recognize a Dom as Alpha, then he would become my Dominant, not just any Dom. Exactly how that happens, that is a more difficult question. I am not so sure myself either. I have to like them first to some extent. I want to feel respected and valued and even liked first before even meeting face-to-face. Then it’s the chemistry stage when meeting for a coffee or a drink. I have to feel attracted to them physically, and I guess vice versa. In the beginning, it’s all about whether I even want to submit to a Dom. Then the second part, it’s not about my wanting anymore, it’s something more primal and needy. I have a so-called sub-mode, or more like a side of myself that I don’t let show much in the vanilla world. I don’t always obey without hesitance when someone utters a command. It needs to be a Dominant, in his Dom-mode that lures out my subbie. And sometimes my subbie takes the bait, sometimes not at all. In the cases of my two Doms, I knew it almost right away, from the very time they grabbed my hair, I knew I was a goner. My subbie was already on her knees, ready and eager to serve and obey.
Now, let’s get a little terminology overload. I identify myself as a submissive with strong masochistic tendencies and a bratty side. I am not a pure or extreme masochist. While I do love pain and it turns me on very much, I am a submissive first and foremost. Which means I can’t tolerate shit when I am not submitting (I scream from pain when a man accidentally traps my hair underneath him during vanilla sex). To put it into perspective, I can take a decent spanking (let’s say 50 hits, pretty average) from my Doms like a big girl, without much fuss at all. I don’t need pain in order to be turned on, but I do need submission. I am not a brat (again, I hear my Doms laughing at that). Fine, sometimes I can be a little bratty. Like that one morning few days ago, a message conversation between one of my Dom and I:
Me: It is so strange to go to gym in the same bus I go to work. I am not just dreaming that I’m on my
vacation, right? Feeling a bit Twilight zone.
Dom: You’re definitely dreaming, get to the office quick!
Me: I’m so glad I can always count on you, Sir 😉
Dom: I aim to please.
Me: Good boy. 😉
Me: Shit…. I’m in trouble, aren’t I Sir?
Dom: What do you think, Emily?
Me: I think I’m in huge trouble, Sir… Like cane-deservingly huge trouble…
Dom: Right in one, Emily.
Me: I guess it doesn’t help at all that I regretted the message the instant I sent it…
Dom: Not even a little bit. But I will make sure you regret it later even more.
Me: Sometimes I even amaze myself of my ability to get into trouble first thing in the morning…
Dom: A well-honed talent, to be sure.
So yeah, a caning session coming right up next week. Usually only when I’m messaging with them, hardly ever bratty to their faces. I’m much too chicken-shit for that. Anyways, so I am not a bottom either because I do need to submit. I don’t identify myself as a slave either, although I am a service sub.
Service sub, or service-oriented submission, is a peculiar little thing. Suppressing my subbie is easy enough in my everyday life (my subbie coming out to play only when my Dom is present), hiding my service sub side is not as simple. While my subbie side is Dom-oriented, my service sub side is Owner-oriented. A great example being my last relationship with my vanilla ex. While I never recognized him as my Dom (which he isn’t), I did kinda treat him like my owner to some extent. Not on purpose of course. Sometimes my servitude just leaks out.
Service submission is mostly non-sexual. I definitely don’t get turned on when I am ordered to do the laundry. Of course, I always happily perform even non-sexual tasks for my Doms, but in those cases I do them because I want to be a good girl and I want to please. For me, service submission is not about pleasing my Dom. What I get is a deeper kind of satisfaction, a strong sense of purpose and simply happiness whenever I get to serve my Owner. I feel connected and grounded and at peace. It is my dream to someday find my Owner, my Dom, and give the 24/7 thing a try.