Yesterday I was daydreaming. About a perfect world where there would be a rating webpage Hot or Not style, but this time it’s about the ancient noble skill of fucking. It would be consisted of over-all rating, ratings on different areas of expertise such as oral, fingering and variety of positions. There would be user reviews, well-written and elaborate reviews would be rewarded with likes and thumb-ups. I can already hear the whining from the back row saying “it’s all about the chemistry” or “everyone’s taste differs”. Well, you know what, our taste in food varies also but apparently it’s not stopping restaurant rating websites to pop up like mushrooms after the rain. And I have a same kind of mentality towards restaurants and sex: if I can do it better myself, then it’s not worth my time. One more argument for sex skill rating webpage, even if I’m not into oral sex, surprise surprise, I can still tell when someone is doing a damn good job.
Okay, probably by now you can smell where all this ranting is coming from. Yes, I just had some really bad sex last week. It was vanilla too (if you don’t know what vanilla means, click the word to go to an awesome blog by Emma Jane where terminology I use frequently is explained). I tell you, nothing is worse than bad vanilla sex. It reminded me of all the other bad experiences I’ve had before too. So, I was kinda hoping that by sharing my misery, the agony really, with you beautiful pervs, it would actually make it semi-tolerable. Here we go: TOP 10 Ways to Ruin My Goddamn Day Between the Sheets.
Number 1 – Dreadful kisser
Can bad kissers actually be good at sex? Or does that bad kissing actually function as a freaking warning sign that indeed, having sex with a bad kisser would be a mistake? And what is bad kissing? Whenever you would put the word ‘too’ in front of bunch of descriptive words, then the kissing is bad. Too sloppy, too soft, too hard, too much teeth, too wet, too much drool etc. Little smooches are just fine, don’t have to be French all the time. If you want to go hard, tilt your head, cos teeth against teeth hurts. If you want to go passionate, open your fucking mouth, don’t do the mouth closed tongue out thing. Tongue sword fight is sexy, using your tongue to explore parts in my mouth that only my dentist is supposed to touch is NOT sexy (I’m talking about gums beneath my lips for example). Holy shit, I’m grossing myself out. Let’s move on.
Number 2 – Hurtful hair-pulling
To make one thing really really clear, I looooove having my hair pulled. I adore it. I worship it. I crave it. IF, and that’s a big if, it’s done right. How hard can hair-pulling be, you ask. There is only really one way to pull hair in a right way, and that’s from the roots of the hair at the back of the head. Not the tips, not the top of the head, not the bangs, not anywhere else. Here’s a fool-proof way to it: slip your hand from the back of the neck, move upwards the scalp with your fingers open, when your whole hand is in the midst of all that hair, grab as much hair as possible and pull. Be rewarded with a moan of ecstasy from your partner. And remember, long pulls. DO NOT jerk the hair back and forth fast like you’re trying to pull the plug from the wall that is jammed. Interesting enough, if you go Google search for sexy hair pulling pictures, most of them are doing it wrong.
Number 3 – Nipple sucking
I have really nice nipples. Not bragging, or maybe a little, I’m just trying to explain that I understand why some men really really like to suck on them. Nipple sucking is really fine in small douses. But definitely not longer than one minute of it. I once had a random hookup who sucked on them for so long that I was starting to wonder whether he was really thirsty and he had no biological knowledge that not every woman is lactating all the time. And my nipples hurt for one week after that encounter.
Number 4 – Finger dragging
This is a really specific dislike of mine. Altogether too many men have done this to me, dragging their fingers between the slit, specifically from my vagina to my clitoris. Yes, where the outer labia are. Let me tell you in what situation this feels good: when my whole lower region is covered in lube, and I mean dripping with lubrication, and you have just cut and filed your fingernails, trimmed out all those pointy excess hard skin beside your nails, moisturize like a maniac until your hands are nearly as soft as your dickhead, then and only then were you allowed to drag your fingers up my labia. Or just don’t fucking do it at all. It’s a tiny distance, don’t be so fucking lazy and lift your fucking hand. Yes I hate it that much.
Number 5 – Clit Torture
Okay, fellas. The head of your cock. It’s pretty sensitive right? In fact, it’s so sensitive that many men don’t like it to be touched with dry hands, or only with your mouth and soft tongue. Stay with me fellas, now imagine that that little knob we ladies have, it’s called clitoris. It has twice as much as sensory nerves as your whole penis has. So would you please stop poking and pushing it like the freaking door-closing button in the elevator!
Number 6 – Eating Out
As I stated earlier, I am not a big fan of receiving oral sex. I don’t mind it, it’s just mostly really boring. Instead of doing those alphabets, why don’t you try exploring some less licked places? Like the side of the vagina, inner thighs, around the clit, that little valley between the outer and inner labia.
Number 7 – Know your length
Enough of the foreplay. Let’s get down to business. Boys, know your length! The length of your erected penis, that is. Measure it out if you need to. And keep that number in mind. Then practice your thrusts with your length in mind. If your penis is say eight inches, your thrusts should be seven and half inches long max. You would think this is like something I should take for granted but no. And the penis slipping out all the time between short periods of thrusts is fucking frustrating. Might as well pay farewell to any kind of orgasm building.
Number 8 – Power Drilling
And talking about thrusting, I thought that at the age of thirty, I wouldn’t have to put up with the power drilling style of fucking mastered by teenage males around the world. Don’t get me wrong, I love fast-paced fucking. The power-drilling is different. It has no rhythm, it just creates headaches for shaking your whole body too much. It is usually combine with problem number 7, and it is often performed in the wrong position or just wrong angle. It makes you wonder where is the fucking fire and what’s the hurry about (Yeah, I kinda just quoted Billy Joel). It makes your teeth clutter and your skull rattle. It makes me want to yell DOWN BOY! STAY! NO! STAY! And when I say hard, I don’t mean power drilling. I mean long, slow-ish pace but with merciless thrusts of pure strength, thrusts that I can feel in my temple.
Number 9 – Sad Slapping
I have a spanking fetish. Everything about it feels good. Bare handed, with equipment, anything goes. While wielding an Indiana Jones style whip requires substantial skills, you would think the bare hand slap on the ass is a walk in the park. So when someone fuck it up, I get sad and mope around wondering “how can someone fuck up pizza”. As the slappee, my job is to relax my butt cheeks and just receive the pain gracefully. Your job as the slapper is practically the same. I mean not to relax your butt cheeks, relax your hand. Practice on yourself. If you’re doing it right, the sound should be a loud clear crack. If you’re doing it wrong, it would be a dull thud instead. Go slap yourself now.
Number 10 – Horrible Hickies
Goddamn hickies, specifically hickies on the neck area. What are you, fifteen? I have a job. I need to go out in midst of other people. I don’t like to wear polo shirt in the summer. Just don’t make me waste my foundation in a desperate attempt to cover them up. I also have a bruise fetish, but even I don’t like tiny ugly bruises from hickies. So just don’t.
Oookay, that was it. I actually do feel better now. Remember, these were my preferences. If you happen to like the ‘don’ts’ I mentioned, nothing wrong with that, good for you, I’m not judging, ask me for the contact info of the men who did all those mentioned above. But if you agree with me that it’s about damn time someone else feels the same, mmhmm with me girl.
Until next time. 🙂