No, I’m not talking about those stupid shiny rocks that the money-hungry sell to the public over-priced. Quoting Fiona Apple’s song, what’s so impressive about a diamond, except the mining? I’m talking about the one object every girl and woman should own and use: the vibrator. Whether you’re single or coupled up, you haven’t really lived if you haven’t sampled orgasms created by vibrators. Yes, ladies (and why not gents, I’m not judging), these toys are a gift from whoever deity you believe in, and this post you’re reading is the handbook/review to my favorite sex toy. I’m going to go through all the vibrators that I’ve gone through the last seven years, the seven different kinds, what are they good for or are they good for anything.
1. The Butterfly
My very first encounter with a vibrator is a little pink butterfly. Basically butterfly vibrators are tiny vibrating bullets inside a rubber butterfly usually attached to strap-ons so you can wear them like panties. The name obviously came from the shape, but they can also be other bugs, or just a flat design. Also I think so-called vibrating panties belong to the same category. They usually come with a remote control, the basic ones are with wires, the more expensive ones wireless. Because their flat shape and strap-on design these are fairly decent for playing with a partner, they are suitable for various intercourse positions, even missionary. My problem with the butterfly is that they never stay put. I’ve never met a strap-on design that is durable enough to endure the intercourse process. I probably had break like three or four of these, they tear really easily in the ‘wings’, at least the rubber kinds. The plastic kinds might be more durable, but they aren’t overly comfortable. And no matter how well designed, the straps are never quite tight enough for the vibrator to hit the exact right spot. So what about a butterfly without its strings? If you have hold the bugger in place with your hands, it pretty much eliminates most of the vibrating sensation.
Pros: Flat design ideal for various positions
Cons: Pretty low intensity, fragile as fuck, vibration reduced to minimum if you need to hold it on the right spot with hand.
2. The Dildo
My very first sex toy is a dildo. I made the rookie mistake of purchasing one way too large. Girls, you have to remember, dildos are not the same as penises. A seven inch/18 cm cock might feel pretty damn good, because it’s warm, boneless with no edges. A dildo the same size felt pretty invading, at least to me. Penetration while masturbating is really not my thing, it’s not for everyone. But if you are into that, definitely get a vibrating one. Keep in mind that dildo vibrators have that little motor inside too, so it feels even more hard and unforgiving than the regular dildo. So don’t be greedy on the size. It doesn’t make you a bigger woman to choose a bigger dildo, however it probably would make you a bigger cu… yeah, you know what I mean.
Pros: Good for vaginal stimulation. Sometimes you just have to have something inside you.
Cons: Lube possibly needed, which makes stuff messy, which requires cleaning, which doesn’t sound good at all. If you already know you can’t orgasm from penetration, a vibrating penis-substitute probably would not change that. Stick to clitoral.
3. The Egg
This is the one for the beginners. If you have never experienced an orgasm from vibrating clitoral stimulation… well, you lucky bastard, you’re in for a ride. The egg was my first vibrator I bought for my own pleasure, and oh it was fun. Put on some tight panties, slip this baby in your panties and turn it on. They usually come with a remote control, with wire, and they are very cheap. You can definitely find one under 20 bucks. And because they are usually quite tiny, they are good for travelling too.
Pros: Great for vibrator virgins, tiny and easy to carry around.
Cons: Low on the intensity.
4. The Cock Ring
I’ve always thought this is for the boys. Because practically they are the ones who really feel that vibrating. They advertise that the lady would actually feel the vibration through the shaft, but I personally don’t. The sensation of having a penis inside my pussy actually is a lot bigger deal and feels a lot more than the really subtle vibration. And what about the clitoral stimulation, you ask. Okay, let’s paint the picture together of the actual case of intercourse, you’re supposed to put the cock ring all the way down the shaft, so the only time your clit is getting any action is when the penis goes all the way in. And you can feel it only in certain positions, like for example missionary. I don’t know about your clit, but my clit needs constant vibration to get excited, I can only imagine… no, scratch that, been there, done that. I tell you what, it was fucking frustrating to just have the vibration touched you a little, then it’s gone, then it’s back. In and out, in and out. Never. Enough. “Can you baby just stay buried deep inside of me and stay freaking there for like ten minutes? Yeah? No? Why not?” And if your man is into a slightly rougher sex, that stupid vibrator is going to hit you hard in a very unpleasant way.
Pros: I really don’t know any.
Cons: Read all the sarcastic comments above.
5. The Rabbit
The Rabbit is a very impressive looking vibrator. They are usually quite large, with three functions: the circling head (which I really don’t know what for), the rotating pearls and the vibrating rabbit ears. When you turn everything on, it really looks like a robot alien that’s trying to drill a tunnel inside you. They look way more fun than they actually are. Again, I’m not a big fan of penetration while masturbating, so this is clearly just not my thing. All the circling and rotating might look creepy cool, but they don’t do much for me. And the vibrating ears are just not quite enough. It does look pretty on the shelf though.
Pros: Pretty in pink, and if you like that it has so much going on at the same time.
Cons: Low intensity vibration, and I don’t like that it has so much going on at the same time. Less is more sometimes.
6. The G-Spot
G-spot vibrators come in many different sizes and shapes, I owned one just like the above. You’re supposed to insert the tinier end in your vagina and the larger end would clamp down on your clit. Maybe. And according to some directions, you are supposed to have sex while that thing is inside. I don’t know about you, but I tried it a couple of times, it simply fucking uncomfortable. I ended up using it outside of my vagina, just on my clit. Guess it has a nice handle in that case. Though I would think this might work for some double penetration. The so-called normal G-spot vibrators look just like regular dildos, but they have a flat tip ideal for G-spot stimulation. Again, if you’re into that, go for this one.
Pros: G-spot stimulation.
Cons: G-spot stimulation. I’m just not that into it.
7. The Magic Wand
I saved the best for the last. Instead of going through all those different vibrators, I wished I would have upgraded straight from the Egg to the Magic Wand. I’ve only discovered this a couple of months ago, The Embrace Body Wand, double motor, one end the classic magic wand design, the other end is a nice size dildo, both have strong vibrating functions equipped with its own set of buttons. Simply put, I fucking adore it. First of all, mother of God it was beautiful. It’s pretty large, which means you can have a good grip on it. Working the magic wand end is like playing yourself with a joystick. And this time the name joystick can’t be more accurate. It’s chargeable, meaning no batteries, meaning powerful, just so long you remember to charge it regularly. This is it ladies. It is pretty pricey, but I promise you, this is worth every penny. After all, great orgasms are priceless.
Pros: Magical orgasms guaranteed. Great for couples too.
Cons: Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Unless you forget to charge it. But in that case, it’s really your fault. The pretty pink vibrator is innocent.
There you go, all the single ladies (and others). I hope this help you in some ways, whether it’s helping you get the best sleep in your life, or spicing up your sex life, or giving you an idea just how many different kinds and intensity-level of orgasms you’re really capable of. Enjoy!